Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Happy and sad

This morning I'm both happy and sad. Happy that my beta has doubled like it should have, that I dare to dream a bit more about what is to come (and therefore had a pretty bad night, because my head was way too full to fall asleep).

But I'm also sad, because my blogger friend PJ's beta dropped to 5 yesterday... I found her blog only about a week or two ago, and it was comforting to have someone who was in the 2WW at the same time, who was having similar neurotic spells, similar dreams, and who'd been through quite a journey herself too. I hoped and prayed that her beta would double like mine, and we could go on this special journey together.

I'd also like to use this to respond to those around us who tell us we should just relax, we shouldn't google too much, we should leave the pee sticks in the box, because we're healthy, so why should it not work... Well, as much as they are right, we have all been experiencing more negatives than positives, no matter if our fertility journey started 6 months or 6 years ago. So we have a reason to be cautious, neurotic, stressed out and overjoyed but still scared at a first positive result. Despite the hopes and prayers, despite us being healthy and perfect looking embryos being transferred back into our wombs, we know that it can go wrong. We've all studied equally hard for our exams, but why some pass and some fail remains a mystery to us.

All these thoughts never leave us, but especially during the 2WW, when there are no daily clinic visits, less or no hormones to inject, when we've done everything we could, and we just have to wait, they drive us nearly insane (thank god for blogging though!). We don't want to think about it failing and having to start a new cycle again (if that would be a possibility at all). Of course, because we don't want the injections, the clinic visits, but most of all, because we're afraid the next time will not work either and maybe it will never work at all...

So, I am hoping and praying that this one sticks. That my beta will continue to rise, that the first ultrasound will show a sack with an embryo, in the right place, that there will be a heartbeat, that I will be able to carry a healthy baby to term.

I feel very blessed already. I think I've deserved it, but I know there are many women who deserve this as much or even more than I do. So PJ, kalina, splitpea, emily, busted, and all those I don't know but are going through the same, I wish with all my heart that you have the strength to continue and that you will have BFPs very, very soon!!

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