On demand

Yes. A post about breastfeeding. Not about the controversial Time Magazine cover though. Just about my kids and me.

Breastfeeding these days is supposed to be on demand. Which I'm all for, but I'm not good at. I'm a schedule kind of girl. On demand throws me off. It makes me sit down (often, very often), and do nothing, except feeding my baby, while to-do lists remain long. It's OK though, this will not last for years.

My baby demands to nurse somewhere between every 2-4 hours. Having a bigger brother running around means he gets distracted a lot while nursing, which leads to demanding to nurse more often because he didn't get a lot of milk in the previous session. We only get to the 4 hours when we're on the go, never at home. There are people who say that my kid is feeding out of boredom, and I should get out of the house more, so the on-demand will be more spaced out. But there is stuff that needs to be done, sometimes, at home, and I can't be on the go 24/7.

My pediatrician thinks once a baby has reached a certain weight, he/she should be able to get by with 4 to 5 feeds a day. Yeah, right, on a bottle maybe, not on a breast, or at least not on mine (or at least not my kids). With baby #1 these kind of comments made me very nervous, now I just shrug them off. Even though I would love to have a kid that only demands every 4-5 hours, mine are not that way and I also understand very well that breastfeeding is not just about food. I can count on it that every time I have to clean the baby's stuffed nose in the middle of the night, he will want to nurse afterward. For comfort, and to be able to fall back asleep. I think that's perfectly OK (even I sometimes curse silently saying it was only 1.5 hrs ago that he last nursed), and I will give the evil eye to anyone saying that babies snacking for comfort are starting a bad habit and will be snacking on chocolate and/or chips in front of the TV later in life when they're bored or sad.

In the whole discussion about breastfeeding and on-demand there is however not a lot of thought about how it has to be a situation that is best for baby AND mommy. With my first baby I was so focused on 'breast is best' and that you should exclusively breastfeed for the first six months that I completely lost sight of myself. My son wanted to nurse all the time, day and night. Except for about a month when he ended up in our bed around midnight every night, he slept in his own room, which meant I was up at least three times a night. He didn't gain much weight between three and five months, which made my pediatrician suggest to start supplementing with formula, which freaked me out and made me ask a second opinion with a breastfeeding specialist at the hospital. This doctor said nothing was wrong and suggested I should nurse even more, which basically would have meant having my son latched on 24/7. I sought advice everywhere and didn't know how to form my own opinion anymore. I now wish someone had told me to look for the balance between what was right for baby and me, but I'm not sure I would have listened (I'm sure my mom did say something like that), the baby was all-important to me. I only found myself again after a few therapy sessions (and the baby starting solids, finally the bottle around 7 months, and sleeping better at night).

So even before the arrival of baby #2 I decided to do things differently. He's sleeping in a co-sleeper next to me, so even if he wakes three times a night (which he does), I don't have to get up, and even though it's tiring, it's nothing compared to the to-and-fros I did with #1. He's a big boy (bigger than his brother) and packing on the pounds as he should, so now my pediatrician compliments me for getting these results by exclusively breastfeeding. But two days ago I did start giving him a bottle of formula before putting him down for the night in an attempt to have him sleep better at night. Waking up three times a night, wanting to nurse every time, is just too much for me. Don't say it's a growth spurt, those don't last for three weeks. It might be due to his stuffed nose, or maybe he's already teething, or maybe he just wants to cuddle up to mommy at night, or…  We'll probably never know. I just can't get to the point of exhaustion I had the first time, especially not with a toddler running around - who usually wakes up around 6/6:30 am just when the baby's fallen back asleep, making sure I don't get any sleep past 5:30 am… The first night with bottle didn't make any difference. We'll see how the coming nights will be. Otherwise he's such a happy baby - and didn't make any problems with the bottle at all. He still wants to nurse before falling asleep at night, even with his tummy full of formula, which makes me smile (for naps I can just put him down, but at night he wants to nurse to sleep - which is often a challenge with his big brother coming in and jumping on the bed) and hope that he will continue to nurse until six or seven months (I say this because his brother, who took two months before finally accepting the bottle, rejected the breast pretty quickly after discovering it required much less effort to get milk from a bottle than from my breast). Yes, I will wean him. I admire the women who can/want to nurse their children for 2-3 years, but that is just not for me.

Update on resolutions

Well, about time for a bit more optimistic post since my last one which was pretty depressing. I'm doing a lot better now and as for the resolutions - I've got most of them covered.

Have been seeing a psychoanalyst for the past month and a half, it's interesting, to say the least. Baby has been taking the bottle for about the same time. Coincidence? Not really - a friend was babysitting when I went to see the therapist and she asked me if she should try to give my son the bottle - I said 'sure, good luck' and didn't believe she would manage - but she did - the next day he didn't want it from me, but two days later he accepted it from hubs and has been taking it ever since. What a relief! Still nursed evenings and mornings for a few weeks, until he refused to take the breast in the evening, than just early mornings, followed with a bottle including cereal around (our) breakfast time. But I haven't nursed the past three days because he woke up pretty late, so I guess the breastfeeding period will soon be completely over. Even though I wanted it, it's still kind of a weird feeling.

I've been taking yoga classes again as well - but only when hubby is not away on a business trip, don't find it important enough yet to get a babysitter for. Music is also on the program again - I can put my son in the playpen and play while facing him. The first time he looked quite startled, but now he just continues playing, and sometimes starts 'singing' along! I've also sent a message to my fellow musicians that I'm ready to take up the trio again, but haven't had a response back yet, hmm... maybe eight months was too long of a wait for them?

None of the daycare centers around the neighborhood had a free spot for my son (as the French system is all about equality, you can't just 'buy' a spot at a good center if you would have the money for it) but as of May I have a spot for 2.5 days a week with a nanny (at her home, with a maximum of four kids at a time) who also takes care of our neighbor's 2-year old girl. So that will be great, because I had a small work project for the past two weeks and it was nearly impossible to do - only time I could work was during naps, a little playtime and in the evenings. Took me a week longer than I had hoped.

"Just relax"

Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.

So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?

I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).

The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...

Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.

No more faith in the French legal system

A bit off topic, but I have to vent...

I met a very nice woman about two months ago at a meeting of the local version of La Leche League - she had 6-month old twins, who she had been breastfeeding since they were born.
We met again by chance a week later and then found out we lived really close to each other. So we met up a few times to go to the park with our babies. She then mentioned the relationship with her husband was not good, but didn't go into detail.

Last Saturday she called me and asked if she could come by. I sensed something was wrong. And I was right: a few days before her husband had come in with a court order and snatched the babies - who were still (exclusively) breastfed! - away from her, on some false accusations that she was mistreating them (and him).

This is now more than a week ago. She still has no idea where her children are. She calls her husband every day, but doesn't get many answers. In the meantime, the judge acknowledged that she made an error, but nothing can be done until a hearing next Tuesday (two weeks after the babies were taken from their mother).

I first thought she just had a bad lawyer - found her a good one - but that one says the same.
It's true that I don't know the full story, and I haven't known my friend that long, but long enough to know she's very friendly and a loving and caring mother to her twins. So wtf is this? How can it happen that babies are taken away from their mother just like that, without hearing both sides of the story? I thought a mother always had a stronger position than a father when it comes to child custody... I find this all very upsetting.

Breast feeding info sessions

Because of a few instances of abandoned breast feeding attempts by some friends, I decided I should try to prepare myself a bit for it (as far as that's possible), because I really want to be able to succeed and breast feed my baby for at least six months (how I'll do that with work I still have to decide).

I also heard from a few people who have experience with the hospital I'm going to deliver at, that there is quite some conflicting advice given regarding breast feeding by the midwives when you're there for the first three days after delivery (normal duration for post-delivery hospital stay in France), so it's good to be prepared a bit, so you'll know what to say 'yes' and what to say 'no' to.

So two weeks ago I went to a breast feeding information session at the hospital, which was very informative (and the midwife who gave the presentation seemed quite OK). They first showed a video and after that it was more or less a one hour Q&A session. She also recommended a certain book, which I immediately order online afterward and am now reading. Good stuff (and I'm picking up some new French vocabulary too).

Last Tuesday I went to another information meeting, this time from an association called 'Galactée'. It's group staffed by volunteer women who've breastfed themselves and have followed a certain training to be able to work for this association, and includes services such 24-hour phone help line, general meetings, and meetings on specific topics (such as 'breastfeeding and sleep', 'breastfeeding and the introduction of other food', 'breastfeeding and work' etc.). If you want to borrow books from its library, you have to become a member, but otherwise it's free to go to the meetings (you just have to bring something to drink or snack).

The meeting I went to was a general one for our section of the city, which happened to be only 10 minutes from my house (on foot) so that was great for me! There were eight women present: four with babies (ranging in age from 3 weeks to 6 months), and four pregnant. Nice exchange of experiences and questions. The 'official' part lasted for a little over two hours, the socializing started after that, for which I unfortunately couldn't stay because of another meeting I had to go (rush) to.