#MicroblogMondays: warning

This summer, on the day we were leaving for a week of camping, my lower back locked up. Timing could not have been worse (try to erect a tent with a locked-up back, sleep on an air-mattress, use the bathroom, explain to your kids that, no, you can't carry them, etc. etc.). After a full day in agony I made an appointment with the local GP. He felt very sorry for me, gave me some advice, and a prescription for naproxen sodium, an anti-inflammatory.

I'm not new to naproxen sodium. Under the name of Aleve, it used to be the only pain reliever that kept my horrible menstrual craps under control (they have become a lot less since my two pregnancies, but every now and then I still use it). Only the version I got for my back pain was a bit stronger (550 mg instead of 220 mg).

I took the meds, and together with some hot showers (and a real mattress that a friend who lived nearby lent me), I felt a bit more like myself after a few days.

However, when I read the instructions/warnings, I paused for a minute... because this one I had never seen before, but hit very close to home...

Translation: if you are a woman, Antalnox Gé 550 mg (...) can alter your fertility. Its use is not recommended for women trying to conceive. If you have difficulty conceiving or if you are undergoing fertility testing, please talk to your doctor or pharmacist before taking Antalox Gé 550 mg (...).

I immediately took the Aleve bottle out of the medicine cabinet and checked if there was a similar warning on there. Negative.

Maybe it's only on the prescription version because it contains more naproxen and therefore can negatively affect fertility... But when my menstrual cramps were really heavy, I never made it to the 8 hours between two pills. I usually took a second one after 6 hours (although I never exceeded the daily dose).

I know it doesn't matter anymore, I have my two IVF-babies. But as someone diagnosed with unexplained infertility, a warning like this does bring up the "what if" questions again...

#MicroblogMondays is another great idea from Mel at Stirrup Queens. Join in!

Infertility Myth: when all tests come back normal, you're just not trying hard enough

BUSTED! There is such a thing as "unexplained infertility" - many of us in the IF community are diagnosed with it, and me and my hubby part of that group.

It is, however, a very difficult diagnosis - even though it still keeps all options open regarding treatment, it brings with it a big test in self confidence. I delayed fertility treatments because of nothing showing up on the tests, of everything being normal - and for not getting the real diagnosis until much later. After each test coming back normal, there would be someone in my entourage saying "just relax", "take a vacation", "wear some nice lingerie and drink a glass of wine". Or, probably even worse: "you're probably not trying hard enough" - it's a big slap in the face when you're hearing this while your marriage is almost falling apart because you've been charting, using OPKs, checked your CM, put a pillow under your butt, stood on your head, demanded your hubby to reschedule his business trips because of your monthly fertile window, which all resulted in sex having almost nothing to do with love making anymore but just becoming a chore.

But still, sometimes I have this weird guilty feeling, thinking that probably we really didn't try hard enough. We stopped the charting, the OPKs, the CM checks, and tried to go back to normal love making, because we didn't want our marriage to fall apart. Did we really do everything possible in trying to become pregnant naturally?

And then I have to remind myself, that yes, we did try hard enough, if we hadn't, then at least one of those six failed IUIs should have worked. No, infertility, even if there is no medical explanation, is a disease, and it has nothing to do with not trying hard enough.

This post is part of the "bust an infertility myth challenge" in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week® (and by doing so I'm trying to expand it from National to International, as I'm in France!). To get a basic understanding of infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility 101 website. For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week®, please visit the NIAW website.

IF ABC

I found this on Liz's blog and thought it would be nice to fill out, especially during ICLW.

• A. Age when you started TTC: me 29, hubby 35
• B. Baby Dancing or Sex: sex
• C. Children wanted: when I was still blissfully ignorant about our IF problems: 3 or 4. When going through IF treatments (and getting BFN after BFN): one would be great. After birth of our son: two would be wonderful. When hitting a low due to sleep deprivation and stress around the time my son was 4-7 months old: one is enough. When he started sleeping through the nights: two would be wonderful. When we were doing IVF#2 and we transferred two great embryos and put one in the freezer: four might still be possible! After the BFN: two would be wonderful, but maybe we'll have to be content with one.
• D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: none
• E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: prenatal vitamins. Have been taking them since starting TTC.
• F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: clomid, decapeptyl, enantone, puregon, orgalutran, ovitrelle, utrogestan.
• G. Gain: didn't gain anything during IUIs and first IVF, then lost lot of weight after birth of my son (about 8 kg - due to sleep deprivation and stress), lost a bit more when my mom died. Gained about 3-4 kg around the time of IVF#2, but don't know if it was related to the IF meds, or just my body getting back to normal after too much weight loss.
• H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Had a sonohysterogram in the US and then a fertiloscopy here in France, which is an invention by my RE and basically is a trans-vaginal laparoscopy, which combines Lap and Dye, Salpingoscopy and Microsalpingoscopy (MSC) and Hysteroscopy.
• I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "We weren't even trying"
• J. Job title: proofreader/editor (or whatever I like to call it - I freelance)
• K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: already happened - my mom's middle name. My sister took it for her daughter.
• L. Length of time TTC: 5 years
• M. Miscarriages: none
• N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: not counting the switches due to our transatlantic moves, I switched OBGYN here in France once. Still with same RE.
• O. Ovarian quality: good (but I'm getting older…)
• P. POAS or wait for AF: wait. Every time I did cave in and POAS it was a disaster.
• Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Now I cannot properly celebrate my 30th birthday (read: with lots of alcohol) because I'm pregnant" (said by someone who got pregnant on her honeymoon)
• S. Sperm: nothing wrong with it
• T. Time you tried naturally: 1.5 years before clomid cycle in US, then again 2+ years before first IUI in France (now that I write that down I can't believe we wasted so much time, especially the second period, but oh well, it is what it is…)
• U. Uterus quality: fine
• V. Vagina: would like some more privacy
• W. What baby stuff do you already have?: lots, as we have a now almost 2 year old running around.
• X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My parents, my sister, two or three friends, and my blog readers.
• Y. Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes, even though I wonder if it's really necessary.
• Z. Zits: Not too bad - but always a few to show that either AF or ovulation is around the corner.

The Dollars and $ense of Family Building

This post is part of an initiative by Write Mind Open Heart and Baby Smiling in Back Seat. The financial part of my story will no doubt be very different from those of most other participants, as I live in France and therefore enjoy the benefits of the French government healthcare system, which is very generous when it comes to ART.

There are two parts to this post – first an overview of my personal family-building process (with some special attention to finances) and second a Q&A part (questions provided by BabySmiling and Lori Lavender Luz).

Background story:
We started our TTC journey when living in the US. When I finally dragged myself to the OB to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant, we were 1.5 years along. Apart from several tests (for both me and hubby) and a first Clomid cycle, we didn't consult with an RE an didn't embark on any ART treatments. This had nothing to do with finances, but with emotions. All tests had come back normal, so I was still in complete denial that something was wrong. I still listened to people who said I should just relax. No-one had really sat me down and uttered the words “unexplained infertility”. Besides, we were planning on making our second transatlantic move and I didn't feel like starting all kinds of treatments a few months before moving.

The new country (with its own culture, language, job search rules) took quite some time and energy to get adjusted to. By the time I felt like finding an OB we had been there for six months. By the time I'd built a little network and got a referral to a great RE (the OB sucked and wasted too much of my time), our first French year had passed... By the time I finally convinced myself that yes, despite all the normal test results, if I wanted to have a baby I should really get some medical assistance, we were definitely “tourist off” and finishing our second year of French live.

We talked with our RE about the options. IUI or IVF. He suggested starting with IUI, being a lot less invasive than IVF and that sounded great to us (still struggling emotionally with doing all of this, absolutely not ready for IVF yet). The government health care system would reimburse a total of six IUIs and four IVFs in our attempt to have a baby.

We did the first three IUIs in a row. All BFNs. Then we had a break, took a nice vacation, and on the plane back home I just didn't want to deal with it all anymore and was in no place emotionally to start IVF. So we opted for another three IUIs... Well, what a waste of time (and taxpayers' money, but I couldn't - and still can't - care less). Again, three IUIs in a row, again three BFNs.

Finally, after five years of TTC and three years in France, we started IVF#1. And lo and behold, I got a BFP and am now the proud mommy of a gorgeous toddler. I did a post at the time about the total cost of an IVF cycle in France. If interested, you can find it here (I think some rates have gone up a bit and I might have forgotten some costs of the hospitalization for ER (which were all covered), so I'll try redo one for IVF#2 soon).

We would love to bring a second child into our family, so we started IVF#2 last February, which unfortunately resulted in a BFN. We had one embryo frozen and should be going for FET#1 as soon as AF arrives again.

Q&A:

1. Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

   I hope that we can explain to them – and that they will understand - the difficulty we had in conceiving them, that we paid a higher price (financially and emotionally) for them than couples who had no difficulty conceiving and that they made (and still make) us so incredibly happy. Plus that they will go through life aware of and sensitive to the fact that being able to have children is a real gift, not readily available to everyone.

2. How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, "Mom, how much did I cost?" How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

   I would be extremely surprised if my child would ask that at age 7, mainly because ART treatments are very well covered within the French government health care system, so the financial aspect would not really be a topic of conversation that he/she could have picked up somewhere and then ask me about it. At age 18 it would be a possibility, as by then I think my child would know exactly what it took us to bring him into the world and therefore I would be completely open and frank about the financial aspect as well (in our case, the question could also be “mom, how much taxpayers' money was spent on me?”).

3. When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn't directly lead to your child's existence in your life, such as cycles that didn't work, adoption outreach avenues that didn't work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

   My initial reaction would be to just calculate the costs of the cycle(s) that resulted in the pregnancy and subsequent birth of my child(ren). But when I would look at it as a whole (after deciding that our family-building journey has finished, whether by our own free will or due to health or insurance constraints), I think I would add everything up, all the testing, the six failed IUIs, the first successful IVF, the second failed IVF, and any future ART cycles we would have had...

4. To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional...?

   When we were still living in the US, I never really thought about what the financial impact would be if we would have continued with treatments after the initial Clomid Challenge Test. Had I been emotionally more ready, it would of course have been something to make us pause. The bills for the few tests did make me realize once more that health care was so much more expensive in the US than what we were used to in the Netherlands, but part of it was covered by our PPO and we had no problem paying the remaining sum. I often thought that I wasted so much time with this 'not being ready', but I guess financially it has been a good thing that we waited until we were in France.

5. Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

   When we decided to move from the US to France, it had absolutely nothing to do with the financial aspects of ART, but you'd almost think it did! We are extremely grateful for living in a country where ART treatments are so well covered by the government healthcare system. For that (and for the 30 vacation days a year, and being closer to our relatives, and a number of other reasons), we happily gave up at least half of our salaries... The details of the French deal: everyone who legally lives in France is covered under its government health care system. ART treatments are covered for 100% (but there is a cap per treatment or consult and many clinics have set their prices higher than what the government health care plan covers – for that there are additional insurances that you can either get as an individual or through your employer – we have the latter). An IVF cycle counts as one if there has been ER. Any FET is for insurance purposes part of the previous IVF cycle and has to be done before you can try for another fresh cycle. Also, if you have conceived through IVF, and you want/need to use it again to try for baby #2, the clock will be reset and you can again try four times. We do always pay great attention when our employers are about to change plans on the additional insurance and will vote against it if the proposed plan includes less coverage for ART treatments.

6. Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

   My answer is a bit the other way around, as we were already in a foreign country. When we were starting the ART treatments here in France, I briefly thought about how it might be easier to be back in the Netherlands for this, especially because of language nuances on such emotionally charged procedures. But insurance-wise it would have been hell, and medically I prefer to be in France too to be honest (as Holland often has long waiting lists before you can even do your first IVF, ER without anesthesia, only pee sticks and no beta tests to find out if it worked, etc.).

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1st, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

Finding a friend

It's CD36 today and still no AF yet. Apparently my body needs some more time to recuperate before I can inject it with hormones again, which is fine. The only thing that's slightly annoying is that I cannot plan any getaways right now (we'll have a long weekend coming up for Easter and have had two invitations to which I don't know what to respond) as I don't know if we'll be in the middle of our FET or not. But that's just minor.

I had intended to write something about the whole PETA affair (see http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/ for more details if you don't know what I'm talking about), but just didn't have enough down time to find the right words for that.

I did post the FB blurb about Infertility Awareness Month on my FB Wall. And guess what? A neighbor, whom I'm also FB friends with, sent me a message, asking how long it had taken us to have our son. Turns out she had 5 failed IUIs, 3 IVFs before having her son and 5 failed IVF in an attempt to have a second child. I'm so glad she reached out. Even though the whole IF blogosphere is such a great help to me, it is wonderful to know that there is someone in my own building, whom I like a lot, who knows exactly what it feels like, and on whose door I can knock when I'm tired of other neighbors or nannies etc telling me that a BFN doesnt' matter, and that we should just try again. So yay for FB.

Here we go again

Well, of course there were friends, family, and my GP all saying that probably, for #2 it would all go the natural way. My body would now know what to do. Yeah, maybe, but so far it's not working and I don't want to wait (read: waste) another year or two. So I called the fertility clinic. Appointment's set for September 22nd.

Pieces of the puzzle...

Two recent "Thoughtful Thursday" questions made me think and gave me reason for not just commenting on the posts but writing a bit more here on my own blog.

The first one is related to the TT from May 21, 2010 - which made me wonder if my infertility is a stand-alone thing or if there is a genetic link somewhere. There are two instances of known infertility in my family - my aunt didn't have any children because her husband had a fertility problem (and their marriage wasn't strong enough to endure the treatments) - but there is no blood connection between him and me, so that doesn't count. Then my maternal uncle and his wife were never able to conceive, but they never went to the doctor to find out why, so I don't know where the problem was for them. My dad and his siblings are all five years apart, which could be an indication of fertility problems, but I've never asked my paternal grandmother and don't think I will (as it's pretty impossible to talk about anything except the weather with her).

I know that I have some similarities in the woman's department with my maternal grandmother: we both experience(d) very painful menstruation cramps and carry our babies (well, I've only had one, so no idea if it would be the same for a second one) well past term, almost to 10 months. However, she had four children in a row (between 14 and 28 months apart), so she didn't seem to have any fertility problems. My parents' first child was stillborn and my mom had a miscarriage after that (probably because she got pregnant too soon after the first one - the only thing the stupid OBGYN had said to her was "I hope you'll get pregnant again very soon". So she did, and when she miscarried he scolded her for getting pregnant so soon...). My sister was TTCing for about two years before getting pregnant, which ended in a missed miscarriage. She then got pregnant about six months later and now has two beautiful children.

So... no definite clues for infertility problems, but there is a history of problems later in life with the reproductive organs on my mom's side of the family. Both her sisters had their uterus removed around the time of menopause (I don't know the exact reasons, but I think it was a bit of a 'better safe than sorry approach'). I think my grandma had something similar. My mom had polyps removed about 10 years ago and oh, I wish they had removed her uterus as well back then, because she has recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer, which has spread to the cervix and the surrounding lymph nodes. She is currently recovering from surgery where they removed everything and will have radiation therapy in a couple of weeks. We don't know what the future will bring.

When I consulted Dr Google just after her diagnosis, I found a list of 'possible causes' for this cancer. One of them is infertility... Which leads me to the other TT from April 29, 2010 that deals with possible future problems related to infertility (treatment). This made me wonder if every women on my mom's side of our family has to deal with some problems related to our reproductive organs at one point in life, and mine happens to be infertility, or if I should expect to be a future endometrial cancer candidate because of my infertility history. Of course I don't have the answer to this question, but it seems like some pieces of the puzzle are coming together, no idea what the final shape will be though. Time will probably tell.

New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

IF mindset

The other day we had dinner with friends who have four kids. When we sat down at the table, the youngest girl said all excitedly "I'm sitting between the daddies!". I immediately thought, "well, yeah, but my hubby's not really a daddy", when I realized that he is! We are finally parents too! But I guess after all those empty years, there's some adjusting to do in my head...

38 weeks - in waiting mode

Exactly 38 weeks pregnant today. Not too much to tell, we're basically in waiting mode.
One very annoying thing though: the itch is back. Aarghhh! My own fault. I took a bath on Sunday night, to relieve some BH contractions - used calendula bath oil, which is supposedly for sensitive skin, but I remembered (stupidly only after taking the bath) that during the 'itchy period' it always seemed to make the itch worse, instead of better. And so yes, since Sunday night the horrible itch is back and making me miserable. I hope it won't last too long.

The OB called me yesterday to say that she had good news for me regarding the 'pôle physiologique': she had discussed it with the hospital team (so apparently my comments made her rethink what she had told me during Friday's check-up) and now a midwife will call me on Thursday to discuss things further. So I'm really happy about that, and I can then also already tell her I'd like to deliver the baby on my side (hubby told me I should have mentioned that to my OB today too, and of course he's right, but I somehow forgot...).

So this weekend I was like 'let the baby come', now I'm telling it to stick around for at least another week, so I can get this organized with the hospital before we come in for the delivery.

I'm also contemplating whether or not to go for a pre-birth acupuncture session. A few women talked about it at last week's prenatal yoga class and were very enthusiastic about it. I did have some acupucture sessions three years ago, regarding our infertility. Although the acupuncture itself was OK, I had a weird experience where one time he told me, after the acupuncture itself, to go into his office for a small consult and to wait behind the screen, on the exam table, until he returned from giving something to his assistant. So I did, but when he returned, he had forgotten about me and had brought another patient in, whom he then also directed behind the screen, where we said an awkward hello and the OB/acupuncturist quickly took the other patient away. He otherwise has a great reputation for acupuncture with pregnant women and everyone else whom I talk to is super enthusiastic about it. So...what to do?

Happy and more talkative

That's what my dad said I sounded today (and ever since I'm pregnant) when I spoke to him on the phone.

He's absolutely right. I'm usually not a big talker, and the past years my phone conversations have been very brief. I always inquired about the other person's well-being, but tried to avoid having to talk about myself. I didn't have anything to say - no job, no baby, just slowly eroding self-confidence - so I just said I was fine and moved on to the next topic.

But now it's different. I am happy and I do like to talk about what's going on in my life, and with the pregnancy in particular.

And today I am extra happy because after over three years of fruitless and frustrating job searching I finally have a job! Yeah!! Of course this might seem awful timing, being five months pregnant and all, but luckily the company is very flexible with everything (my hubby works there as well, so they already know me a little bit, it's a small company). They allow me to work part-time (26 hrs/week) and I start out with a 6-month contract (of which 2 to 2.5 will be absorbed by my maternity leave) and then if I want to come back after the baby is born, they'll give me a permanent contract - but if I want to take some time off first, even after the maternity leave has ended (total of 16 weeks here, 6 weeks before, 10 after birth), that's OK too (but of course I won't be paid during that time).

So yeah, I was quite talkative on the phone today...

The (lost) charm of being a "Sunday Child"

I was born on a Sunday. So was my husband. They say (at least in Holland) that children born on a Sunday carry an extra charm, and will often have good luck in their lives...

It seemed to be true when I was living in Holland. Pretty much everything went pretty smoothly. I was chosen among 100 candidates to go on an educational trip abroad when in high school, I passed a difficult college entrance exam. I found the love of my life (although it took a while), I had the best job in the world. But I think I lost that charm when I left Holland to join my hubby in his career pursuit and gave up my own super job and with it part of my identity.

On my CV, it doesn't seem that I gave up my career at that moment. My job in the US looks great on paper, but I hated it. When we moved to France (which I was happy about, because I was escaping from this job), I thought it would be relatively easy to find a job again. No work permit issues like in the US. But 3.5 years and many applications later, I've only been invited to a handful of interviews and never made it to a second round.

A gap in your CV is a big sin in France, but if I got to the interview stage, what kept coming up was the question if my hubby would be changing jobs and countries again soon, because they "don't want to start another search in three months". And (yes, they know they're not allowed to ask), "What about children?" Thank you all so much for your confidence! Grr...

My hubby had a bad day at work two weeks ago. He saw a job ad and applied. He got invited. He made it to the second round. They didn't ask him if his wife had a career or intended to change countries again, if he had little children he had to take care of. No, they just looked at his qualifications, were convinced by what he told them and if he hadn't said 'no' to the second round (after some good discussion at home), he'd probably would have gotten the job. Mind you, the job he currently has is awesome. He has a great career. He's building a super network. OK, I know, I'm jealous. I know I shouldn't be, because jealousy is a useless emotion (I'm quoting my wise sister here).

And another thing about this Sunday Child Charm - why did it take us a f**ing five years to get pregnant?!

I think we both lost the charm for a while. Seems my hubby has definitely found it again. And I'm hoping it's coming back to me to. So that the pregnancy will continue normally and result in a healthy baby. That maybe this part-time job opening that was talked about two weeks ago is really going to happen. I know I shouldn't complain. We're very blessed. I just woke up crying today. Blame it on the hormones... (and thankfully I have a blog to vent my frustration!)

Hindsight

Now that I've reached the second trimester of my first IVF-pregnancy safely, I've been thinking why it had to take more than five years since we first started TTC, to get to this point. Even though it is what it is, were there moments where we maybe waited too long, or made a wrong decision?

The first big wait of 1.5 years before getting tested. Why did we wait so long? I was using BBT charts and ovulation kits, so I knew there was no problem there. I'd read that you should give it time, at least a year, before seeking help, so we did.

When we finally decided we should find out what was wrong, it took me some more time to decide where to go. Immediately to an RE, a regular OBGYN,... finally a friend told me I should go see her doc (OBGYN) and I did.

Test for hubby, tests and exams for me. All normal. Still I was put on Clomid for 'super ovulation'. BFN and I wasn't very happy about it, so I talked to the nurse, who immediately suggested IUI, for which I wasn't ready at all yet in my head.

That was all about six months before moving to France. The last year in the US wasn't a very happy one for both of us (mainly work-related), so I thought that might have something to do with our TTTC and had the naive though that once in France, all the stress would be gone.

Of course this was not the case, especially the first six months after the move were very stressful, so of course no BFPs either. Then finally took up the courage to find a doctor - first a general practitioner whom I asked for recommendations. She gave me a name of an apparently very good gynecologist, whom I called and could see three months later. The first visit was fine and she ordered a few more test. However, when we had done those and I tried to make a follow-up appointment, I was told I should call back in November (it was late August when I called) to make an appointment for January. Appalled, I vowed to find another doctor.

Luckily I met someone who was going through her 3rd or 4th IVF cycle and recommended me her RE clinic. I called and could make an appointment for a few weeks later. After the first consultation a fertiloscopy was scheduled, again only a few weeks later.

The result of the fertiloscopy was that everything looked fine, but that they had found some endometriosis in my ovaries, which was removed. The RE told us this could have been a reason for our infertility. So we went away happy that the problem was solved and thought it would work the natural way, but it didn't...

I think we were too happy that there finally seemed to have been a reason for our infertility and didn't hear in what the RE really said, that this could be a reason, but it might also have nothing to do with it. I wonder if I would have been in Holland or the US, I would have heard that when he told us, and it was the language that prevented us from 'reading between the lines'. In any case, we waited eight months before making another appointment...

I think our biggest problem was our diagnosis: unexplained infertility. After every test, every exam, we were told that everything was normal. So we initially blamed it on untimely business trips, not enough vacation, bad overall timing, stress, and think it should just work one day.

But, when you're planning a vacation with the goal to TTC, there will be added stress - and when you try to plan two weeks away without trying to think about your cycle, you bet, you've planned it around your period and not around ovulation.

So we started IUI, full of hope. After three months in a row of BFNs we took a long vacation to Australia. It was great. It was very relaxing. We didn't think or talk much about IF. And when we were on the plane on the way back home, I so not wanted to continue treatment, I was so fed up with all the false hope, the injections, the clinic visits and the ultimate BFNs.

A few weeks later we had another consult with our RE where we had to decide if we wanted to continue with three more IUIs (the maximum number allowed by the insurance) or go to IVF immediately. At that point I had resigned myself to going to do IF treatment again, but I wasn't ready yet for the tougher IVF cycle. So we chose to try three more times with the 'simple' solution, IUI. After #4 was again a BFN, I started to wonder if I'd made the right decision, but with a 'you never know' spirit, we went for #5 (BFN) and #6 (why stop now? Also BFN) as well.

After that, I really felt like we'd wasted three precious months. We decided to go for IVF after the summer break. And got a BFP. And I wondered what took us so long. But that's life I guess...

Pregnancy books in the internet age

I thought it would be a good idea to buy a French book about pregnancy, so I can at least get familiar with all the terminology for the coming months in a language that is not my own. A quick look on Amazon told me that I would have quite a choice - so which one to pick?

I decided to go to the library first and check out their selection. They only had "J'attends un enfant" (I'm expecting a child), 2006 edition (this book comes out with a new edition every year). I took it home. After reading a few pages, I was glad I hadn't bought it. Pretty patronizing, with some 'wise' words on how to dress and mainly geared to the woman who has no clue about her body. Besides, it had a very confusing way of talking about counting the weeks of pregnancy: in one of the first chapters it said that it would talk 'months' from the time of conception, and 'weeks' from the first day of the last period, but then two pages later it would talk about 'you're now in week 3, which clearly should have been week 5 if the author would have adhered to her own rule...

Next step: the bookstore. I browsed the pregnancy book section on a Saturday afternoon in a overcrowded and too warm large bookstore and after five minutes didn't know how fast to run to the exit to get some fresh air... Before I did that, however, I had seen a book that I liked a lot better than the one I got at the library, but it was from 2001, so I wondered if there wouldn't be an updated version in the meantime.

Back to amazon: the book I had seen in the bookstore, "Livre de bord de la future maman" (Logbook for the mother-to-be) was available online, 2007 edition, paperback instead of hardcover, € 6,50 instead of € 22. Seemed like a good deal, and even if the it would turn out not to be a great read after all, I at least hadn't wasted too much money on it.

Now I think the overall problem with these kind of books is that they contain a lot of information that 'we, internet people' have already found online, and 'we, IF people' don't need to have explained anymore (how the reproductive system works, anyone?).

So the book arrived and I could skip the first three chapters. I did however wonder if they'd bothered to write something about IF... Found it as a bit of an afterthought under chapter 4 - the first month of pregnancy. Kind of a weird location, why not as a next paragraph after the one in chapter 2 entitled "Avant votre bébé, il y a vous: tout est prévu pour donner la vie" (before your baby, there is you: everything is ready to give life)?

It did still mention GIFT and ZIFT, which are procedures that I think are no longer used (replaced by IVF)? And it also said that ICSI is replacing normal IVF, which I think is highly exaggerated. But oh well, I didn't buy the book to get wiser on IF...

There were some omissions in the description of ultrasounds (no mention of vaginal u/s option), so together with the not quite correct IF information I wonder if there are more inaccuracies on topics that I don't know that much about yet. Other than that it's actually a pretty handy book and I don't regret buying it (and I'm learning some new French vocabulary).

Hurtful comments

No, thankfully not to me personally, but I did feel a bit violated anyway... Late yesterday evening I was reading the article Her Body, My Baby, on the New York Times website. Interesting read about someone who, after years of infertility and lost pregnancies, had a baby via gestational surrogacy. Some things she wrote about her fertility journey really hit home, other aspects I felt less related to.

Then I started reading some of the more than 300 comments... Many were about the choice of the two photos, which is indeed questionable I think. But others - and those were on the first page (and 'referred' the most) - were plain mean: That it's immoral for infertile couples to go on a quest for a biological baby - if we really want a child, our only option should be to adopt, because there are already enough children in the world; if we can't conceive, that's because it was meant to be, and we should just accept Darwin's fatalism and not burden the health care system. Etc., etc.

It made me sick. I'm not going to defend my IVF pregnancy here, because I know that those who read this blog are 'on my side', and don't need explaining. I'm glad I don't know anyone who thinks about it the way those commenters do, but if I'd meet one, I'd ban them from my life forever.

Not surprisingly, it took me a while to fall asleep.

Happy and sad

This morning I'm both happy and sad. Happy that my beta has doubled like it should have, that I dare to dream a bit more about what is to come (and therefore had a pretty bad night, because my head was way too full to fall asleep).

But I'm also sad, because my blogger friend PJ's beta dropped to 5 yesterday... I found her blog only about a week or two ago, and it was comforting to have someone who was in the 2WW at the same time, who was having similar neurotic spells, similar dreams, and who'd been through quite a journey herself too. I hoped and prayed that her beta would double like mine, and we could go on this special journey together.

I'd also like to use this to respond to those around us who tell us we should just relax, we shouldn't google too much, we should leave the pee sticks in the box, because we're healthy, so why should it not work... Well, as much as they are right, we have all been experiencing more negatives than positives, no matter if our fertility journey started 6 months or 6 years ago. So we have a reason to be cautious, neurotic, stressed out and overjoyed but still scared at a first positive result. Despite the hopes and prayers, despite us being healthy and perfect looking embryos being transferred back into our wombs, we know that it can go wrong. We've all studied equally hard for our exams, but why some pass and some fail remains a mystery to us.

All these thoughts never leave us, but especially during the 2WW, when there are no daily clinic visits, less or no hormones to inject, when we've done everything we could, and we just have to wait, they drive us nearly insane (thank god for blogging though!). We don't want to think about it failing and having to start a new cycle again (if that would be a possibility at all). Of course, because we don't want the injections, the clinic visits, but most of all, because we're afraid the next time will not work either and maybe it will never work at all...

So, I am hoping and praying that this one sticks. That my beta will continue to rise, that the first ultrasound will show a sack with an embryo, in the right place, that there will be a heartbeat, that I will be able to carry a healthy baby to term.

I feel very blessed already. I think I've deserved it, but I know there are many women who deserve this as much or even more than I do. So PJ, kalina, splitpea, emily, busted, and all those I don't know but are going through the same, I wish with all my heart that you have the strength to continue and that you will have BFPs very, very soon!!

Stupid

I've done something stupid this morning: I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive (of course), but the line was not as dark as I would have hoped. So now I'm worrying that my beta is going down instead of up...

Of course this is completely stupid, because I have nothing to compare this line to - I didn't test yesterday or the days before and I don't have another kit at home, so can't test tomorrow (my initial idea was to buy several kits and test a few days in a row, but in the end decided I shouldn't spent too much money and try not to obsess about it).

Other than that my symptoms are still the same: sore breasts, tired, lower back pain, and some (minor) cramping. I wish I could just be a normal ignorant pregnant woman...

Cramping

Another not so great night. Lots of trips to the bathroom. After the fourth one I finally registered in my sleepy head that it was more cramping than having to pee that woke me up. Not super horrible cramping, but still, it kept me awake. In a normal cycle I would have swallowed an Aleve already, but don't want to risk anything now. Tried lying on my stomach / curled up / deep breathing, but it didn't help much. Finally put one of those microwavable heat things on my stomach, which worked and allowed me to sleep for another hour until the alarm woke me up.

No night sweat this time, although now and then some minor hot flashes. Breasts still hurt, no spotting or bleeding yet, so I'm still hopeful (or am I just in denial?). Also felt better after seeing that someone left a comment on my blog (yay! thanks PJ!) and reading a long email from my sister. Hubbie left for the airport, I think I'm going back to bed for a little bit.

Nightmare

Had a horrible night. Got up four times to go to the bathroom (note to self: don't drink too much tea just before going to bed). Woke up again around 5.30am from a night sweat. No!!! Tried not to freak out too much, stayed under the covers and managed to fall back asleep. But of course then the dreams started... Woke up half an hour later, crying - because I knew it was all over: night sweats and no more sore breasts (I dreamed other, really ridiculous things, but that's not too uncommon for me). Hubbie asked what was wrong, so I told him, then checked my breast... still hurting. So I calmed down a bit, but still not happy about the night sweat. Now I'm slowly trying to start the day as normally as I possibly can...

Labs and nurses - the French way

I had to go to the lab on Wednesday to have my estradiol level checked. Here in France, you can't just go to your own clinic to get this done, but you need to go to a 'laboratoire d'analyses médicales' of your choice (there are lots of them). In a way this is convenient, as you can choose one that is close to home or work, but what I hate about it is that these people at the lab have no knowledge at all about your medical/infertility history, and sometimes ask stupid questions, which would never be asked if you could have this all done at your own clinic. Plus, it's not just only for the (simple) blood work, but I also had to go there for a pre-IVF vaginal examination (so they asked if it was for a yeast infection...). On top of that, you always have to call them yourself for the results, they will never call you.

In the case of the estradiol test, if it would be under 500 pg/ml, I would need to get a HCG shot, which had to be administered by a nurse. Again, for this you can't go to your own clinic, but you have to call a nurse yourself, who then comes to your home. This is of course convenient for chronically sick patients who have trouble leaving their home, but I find it adds additional stress because you sometimes have to try to find a nurse at the last minute (you get the test results in the afternoon and need the injection the same day) and you always get their voicemails, so you're never sure when and if they get your message.

So I planned a bit ahead and left a message with a nurse close to where I live (also important, because if you live too far away, it's not worth it for them to come to you as I think they can only charge 3 euros for a home visit) on Tuesday morning, saying I wanted to make an appointment for Wednesday, but I was not sure that I needed one... By 6 pm I still had not received a response, so I left another message. Got a call back within 15 minutes, there was no problem, she would come by the next day between 5 and 6.30pm, I just needed to confirm or cancel Wednesday before 4pm.

In the end, too much stress for nothing, because my estradiol level turned out to be 1982 pg/ml, well above the 500 pg/ml threshold, so I didn't need the hormone shot after all...