Random thoughts

It's CD27, I'm anxious to start our FET, but I think my body is asking me to be a bit more patient. AF lasted almost until CD10 after the failed IVF, based on my CM I would say that I ovulated last week, but this morning I had this typical ovulation pain on the right side, so who knows what's happening right now (I didn't take any OPT). Consult with the RE is on Thursday (but he will not do any u/s or bloodwork, just talk for 10 minutes and charge me 70 euros).

I don't really know what to expect of his FET. We only have one embryo frozen, how big is the chance it won't thaw properly? It's the same Grade A excellent quality as one of the embies that was transferred for IVF#2 - which didn't make it. So why should I believe its frozen brother or sister will have a better chance?

With IVF#1 I was hopeful, but didn't expect much - we had six failed IUIs behind us, so BFN had become the norm. But it worked... Then with IVF#2 I was worried that they wouldn't be able to retrieve any eggs - there were less than the first time, but still a decent amount. Then I worried that they wouldn't fertilize - but they did, and actually better than the first time. So when those hurdles were taken, and we had three perfect embryos, I was convinced that it was going to work, just like last time, and that I might even be pregnant with twins.

So the BFN hit me hard. I felt exactly the way Sarah described it in her comment on my previous post. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm a bit pessimistic, it might work better (oh, the logic of an IFer...).

The insurance stuff is almost sorted. I got a confirmation for one of the forms I'd sent them copies of, but nothing had been reimbursed yet. So I called to check what happened to the other form and when I could expect to be paid back. Well, turns out they OK'ed all procedures (for both forms), but just bothered to send a confirmation for one. And regarding the payment - I have to send them back the printout of their electronic file before I can get paid. That's insane! We have an insurance card with electronic chip, which means that payments are automatically transferred from whichever medical office you're paying your bill for, to your insurance company and you will be reimbursed with a transfer directly into your bank account - no paperwork, no checks in the mail, everything electronic. Now I have to send them back a printout of these payments that were on-hold instead of that they just click a checkbox or whatever in their software at the same time that they OK the forms... Of course I did send the printouts back, because I want to be paid ASAP, but this is bureaucracy at its finest I must say.

FET plans and insurance stuff

When I picked my son up at the nanny's on Friday afternoon, I finally told her about the failed IVF. But I immediately wished I hadn't, because the reaction I got was so full of all the well-know clichés ("oh, just try again; you know, I know of this couple who tried everything, even adoption, then went on vacation, and tadaa, she was pregnant; the mother of one of the other kids she takes care of also had 'help' with kid #1, but then kid #2 came naturally, and then she had a m/c with kid #3 and they decided they that was it..."). I don't know why I had expected anything else, after all she's not the brightest of people (but even bright fertiles can say stupid things - my neighbor, who graciously helped out taking care of our son when we had to be at the clinic at 7 am for ER - also said something like "oh, it doesn't matter, just try again").

When I told my dad about it over the weekend, he had quite a good remark though: "maybe they just didn't know how to deal with your grief at that moment" (he must have been in similar situations since my mom died...). I guess he's right, but I also think that many people just don't understand that we IFers can really grief about a BFN. For me personally this BFN after IVF was a lot harder that the BFNs after IUIs (or timed IC), because with those I never even knew if fertilization had taken place at all, whereas here I had seen those two beautiful embryos...

On Saturday the paperwork for FET #1 came in the mail. A form to send to the insurance company so they'll reimburse the procedure + preceding u/s, bloodwork etc., a statement to sign for the clinic demanding the FET for our own couple (and thus proving we're still a couple, because, if you're not, then French law doesn't allow it), and the prescription. The treatment doesn't start on CD04, as the assistant had told me on Friday, but on CD07: 100 IU of Puregon on CD07, CD08 and CD09, then go in for first u/s and blood work on CD10 - continue until RE deems me 'ready' (no idea how long that would be - similar to IUI cycle?) - trigger - start progesterone suppositories two days later, (and ET also around that day?). So having read this I think I could have waited until my RE appointment on April 7 with getting all the paperwork and still cycle in April, but I'm still glad I already got everything, so now I know a little bit what to expect from the FET and I can get the paperwork to the insurance company well in time.

Regarding insurance paperwork - when we started to gear up for IVF #2, back in October, I was waiting for a confirmation from the state run, mandatory, health insurance/social security that my insurance had been switched from the payment center for salaried persons to the one for independent workers. I had set up my own business in May 2010, but the French bureaucracy of course needs almost six months before acknowledging the change. So when we had to fill in the insurance forms, I had to fill out the information from my old payment center, because I didn't know the details of the new one yet. Of course I got the confirmation of the change a week later, so I sent a letter to both payment centers, asking to transfer my file, especially those forms concerning ART... After a few weeks I got a new statement from my new payment center - confirming the 100% reimbursement of all procedures/meds concerning ART. Didn't hear anything about the two other forms I filled out in October, but with those it says 'if you don't hear anything within two weeks after submitting them, consider it approved'. So I didn't think about it anymore.

We had our cancelled cycle in November (due to my mom's passing), then our real IVF #2 in February, and then last week (on the day I got my BFN) I get a letter from the payment center that they got a request for reimbursement for these procedures (u/s, ER, ET) and they don't have the forms, so they can't pay me... (luckily these procedures are not as prohibitively expensive as they are in the US, it's 'only' 434 euros, but I'd still like to get it back!). So I sent them a letter, with copies of the two forms, copies of the letters I sent them before, and hope that that's enough. But now I want to hold off sending the new form for the FET, because some procedures on there (like the u/s, and ET) are similar to the ones for the fresh cycle, and I'm sure that if I send the form now, they're going to think this is in response to their letter and then when we'll have our FET, they will again say that the form is missing... Hmm, I hope I won't get tangled up too much into this bureaucratic stuff. I tried to call them this morning, but after being on hold for almost five minutes, the computer told me they had too many incoming calls at that moment and hung up...

Afraid of losing time

Today, without the distraction of my son (who's at the nanny's), is more difficult than yesterday. It started out OK, but then we arrived at the nanny's and I had intended to tell her about our failed IVF, so she would know why she had to take care of our son so much more than normal two weeks ago, and by doing so, hoping that her hurtful remarks that we should hurry up having a second baby would stop. But it wasn't the moment. Both her kids were there (preteen boy and teenage girl) and it just felt bad. So I just left.

Then I went to the lab to pick up my copy of Wednesday's beta test. While waiting, I saw that the lab technician who had drawn my blood on Wednesday was pregnant (I hadn't noticed on Wednesday). It stung. Somehow I had hoped that my beta would be super low, but still above 2 (so there might have been implantation), but it wasn't: <2.

I felt like crying when I left the lab. Back home I called the RE's office to make an appointment to discuss what went wrong with IVF #2 (not that I think he can enlighten me much on this) and what to expect from FET #1. I had called them yesterday as well, asking if a consult was necessary before the FET. The assistant said that it was up to me, but that she could also just mail me the prescription. Since I didn't think the RE would be able to say much about why IVF#2 failed, I opted to have the prescription mailed. But then hubby and I talked, and we decided it would be good to talk to the RE anyway (discuss why day 2 transfer, why day 2 frozen embryo, maybe even assisted hatching?), so that's why I called to make the appointment today.

Appointment is set for April 7 (earlier not possible). So the assistant said she would put away my file again and not mail me the FET prescription, because the RE would give it to me on April 7. After I'd hung up, my mind started racing again... what if next month's AF would show before the appointment, and I would thus run the risk of having to wait another month with the FET, because the treatment might start on CD01...?

Just the fact of looking into my agenda, thinking, ok, so maybe no FET until May, then if that fails, wait another month before being able to start IVF#3 (which I don't want to do at all right now), and with the long protocol, that would mean ER/ER late July/early August (hopefully just in time before the entire country, including RE and staff, would leave for a month of summer vacation)... which would mean my son would be almost three if and when that IVF attempt would be successful (plus, probably more importantly, I would be 38 by that time), made me cry.

After running around in circles for about an hour, I decided to call the RE's office again. Explained very apologetically what I was thinking/worried about and asked when treatment would start (CD04) and if she could maybe still mail me the subscription. "Comme vous voulez, Madame". OK, well, then, yes, please mail it to me (and I'm sorry for being such a nervous wreck - but I hope you understand a bit an IFer's mindset).

So I feel better about that now - and now that I wrote it all down (and thanks for reading my ramblings until the end), I should really get something done today - after all, this is supposed to be my work day.

Perfect day

Despite my sadness over the BFN, today I spent a perfect day with my son - we laughed, we played, we cuddled, we sang, and we rode our bike (he in his seat in front of me, babbling, pointing at things, sometimes looking up at me so I could plant a kiss on his face) along the river in the beautiful sunshine. I'm so glad I have him, my little miracle.

So this song is for him...

Lost

How desolate can one feel, at 6:15 am, staring at a pee stick, wishing for that second line to show up. Especially when just a moment ago, I woke from a nice dream in which that second line was definitely there.

I had an appointment at the lab at 9:15 for my first beta. I noticed some super light pink spotting before I left. Had my blood drawn. Went to Ikea to try to distract my mind. Felt crampy, with lower back pain. Typical first day menstrual symptoms.

I went to the bathroom. There was more blood. I cried.

Hubby decided not to return to work after our morning trip to Ikea, but to accompany me home. That was nice.

I called the lab at 4 pm. They confirmed what I already knew. I hugged hubby and cried more. I kept thinking about those two perfect 4-cell embryos that floated into my uterus, and then just died.

We picked up our son from the nanny's, and I thought about those two embryos again, what beautiful possibilities there could have been, what dreams I already made, but that were now gone forever.

Our son had fun playing with his friends, and didn't want to go home. The nanny made one of her typical innocent remarks, that we should just make another baby, so she could keep him. Hubby picked up our son, I turned away and cried behind my sunglasses.

I had a glass of wine with dinner. Maybe I'll have another one.

Happy and sad

This morning I'm both happy and sad. Happy that my beta has doubled like it should have, that I dare to dream a bit more about what is to come (and therefore had a pretty bad night, because my head was way too full to fall asleep).

But I'm also sad, because my blogger friend PJ's beta dropped to 5 yesterday... I found her blog only about a week or two ago, and it was comforting to have someone who was in the 2WW at the same time, who was having similar neurotic spells, similar dreams, and who'd been through quite a journey herself too. I hoped and prayed that her beta would double like mine, and we could go on this special journey together.

I'd also like to use this to respond to those around us who tell us we should just relax, we shouldn't google too much, we should leave the pee sticks in the box, because we're healthy, so why should it not work... Well, as much as they are right, we have all been experiencing more negatives than positives, no matter if our fertility journey started 6 months or 6 years ago. So we have a reason to be cautious, neurotic, stressed out and overjoyed but still scared at a first positive result. Despite the hopes and prayers, despite us being healthy and perfect looking embryos being transferred back into our wombs, we know that it can go wrong. We've all studied equally hard for our exams, but why some pass and some fail remains a mystery to us.

All these thoughts never leave us, but especially during the 2WW, when there are no daily clinic visits, less or no hormones to inject, when we've done everything we could, and we just have to wait, they drive us nearly insane (thank god for blogging though!). We don't want to think about it failing and having to start a new cycle again (if that would be a possibility at all). Of course, because we don't want the injections, the clinic visits, but most of all, because we're afraid the next time will not work either and maybe it will never work at all...

So, I am hoping and praying that this one sticks. That my beta will continue to rise, that the first ultrasound will show a sack with an embryo, in the right place, that there will be a heartbeat, that I will be able to carry a healthy baby to term.

I feel very blessed already. I think I've deserved it, but I know there are many women who deserve this as much or even more than I do. So PJ, kalina, splitpea, emily, busted, and all those I don't know but are going through the same, I wish with all my heart that you have the strength to continue and that you will have BFPs very, very soon!!