Third beta and some ramblings

Yesterday I went to the lab for my third and final beta: 1626! So still with a steady doubling time around 41 hours. All is good.

This also means I've graduated from my RE - we're on our own for our first scan, even though the RE would like to be kept updated (I still don't understand why they don't do the first scan at their clinic and then hand you over to your regular OBGYN, but oh, well, that's French logic for you).

With the first pregnancy this took me by surprise, but of course now I was prepared, so I booked the scan as soon as the results of my second beta were in. I go to separate OBs for the checkups and the scans (my OBGYN, who's actually a GP, but does mainly OBGYN and pediatrics, doesn't have u/s equipment). Both are always overbooked. So while I was thinking about a scan in the week of June 6 (we're away the week before), the 'u/s OB' proposed this Friday, which surprised me, because it's really early (5w4d), but she assured me it would be a good time to check the development and said that we might even be able to see a heartbeat. So I took the appointment, figuring that if we wouldn't see a heartbeat yet, I could try to get a second scan two weeks later. (My first regular OB appointment is not until June 20).

Of course, because I have nothing better to do, I consulted Dr Google on this as well, resulting in very vivid and strange dreams (one time even a nightmare involving my toddler, I will spare you the details, but I was quite shaken when I woke up) on the subject for the past couple of days/nights.

I POAS a total of three times (the day of my first beta, right between beta #1 and beta #2 and right between beta #2 and beta #3) and every time I look at those different gradations in intensity of the second line it puts a smile on my face.

Some minor symptoms are appearing as well. I love taking an afternoon nap, but at night I am often full of energy, feeling really happy, and I have difficulty falling asleep. My breasts don't hurt, but they seem to have become a bit firmer (after being a bit 'sloppy' as a result of eight months of breastfeeding), which is not a bad thing. I'm becoming more moody, which isn't helped at all by my toddler's "terrible two" tantrums. And generally I prefer sweat pants and comfy shirts to anything else (but I'll wear them only around the house, this is France after all!), much to hubby's dismay.

Second beta

Just got the results from my second beta test this morning: 337! This means a doubling time of 41.19 hours. I will have a third and final beta on Tuesday and then a first u/s next week Friday (5w4d).

The results are in...

My first beta, at 12dp2dt is 67!!!

Woohoo - first beta with IVF#1 was 55, so I find 67 to be a great number (I read somewhere that FETs give lower betas? Well not in my case)! Second beta will be on Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for great doubling numbers...

OMG!

I had to pee after having my blood drawn, there was a HPT in my bag, so I thought "what the heck", and used it. And OMG, a second line appeared!

I sat on the metro with a stupid grin on my face.

Now just, please, don't let this be a residue from the booster shot I had last week... I googled it and apparently it takes 24 hours to get 1000 IU of a HCG booster shot out of your system. I had a 1500 IU shot last Tuesday, so that should be gone by now, right..?!?!

Lab results will be in at 2 pm.

Happy and sad

This morning I'm both happy and sad. Happy that my beta has doubled like it should have, that I dare to dream a bit more about what is to come (and therefore had a pretty bad night, because my head was way too full to fall asleep).

But I'm also sad, because my blogger friend PJ's beta dropped to 5 yesterday... I found her blog only about a week or two ago, and it was comforting to have someone who was in the 2WW at the same time, who was having similar neurotic spells, similar dreams, and who'd been through quite a journey herself too. I hoped and prayed that her beta would double like mine, and we could go on this special journey together.

I'd also like to use this to respond to those around us who tell us we should just relax, we shouldn't google too much, we should leave the pee sticks in the box, because we're healthy, so why should it not work... Well, as much as they are right, we have all been experiencing more negatives than positives, no matter if our fertility journey started 6 months or 6 years ago. So we have a reason to be cautious, neurotic, stressed out and overjoyed but still scared at a first positive result. Despite the hopes and prayers, despite us being healthy and perfect looking embryos being transferred back into our wombs, we know that it can go wrong. We've all studied equally hard for our exams, but why some pass and some fail remains a mystery to us.

All these thoughts never leave us, but especially during the 2WW, when there are no daily clinic visits, less or no hormones to inject, when we've done everything we could, and we just have to wait, they drive us nearly insane (thank god for blogging though!). We don't want to think about it failing and having to start a new cycle again (if that would be a possibility at all). Of course, because we don't want the injections, the clinic visits, but most of all, because we're afraid the next time will not work either and maybe it will never work at all...

So, I am hoping and praying that this one sticks. That my beta will continue to rise, that the first ultrasound will show a sack with an embryo, in the right place, that there will be a heartbeat, that I will be able to carry a healthy baby to term.

I feel very blessed already. I think I've deserved it, but I know there are many women who deserve this as much or even more than I do. So PJ, kalina, splitpea, emily, busted, and all those I don't know but are going through the same, I wish with all my heart that you have the strength to continue and that you will have BFPs very, very soon!!

Yes!

Today's beta is 310! Yay!!

So, I'm now trying to calculate my doubling times (unfortunately the doubling calculator on betabase.info doesn't work, at least not on my Mac) but I'm not that great at logarithms and exponentials... Exact number will have to wait until I have an Eureka moment or I'll ask a math-wizard, but a rough calculation gives a doubling time of just over 48 hrs.

3rd beta on Thursday.

Stupid

I've done something stupid this morning: I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive (of course), but the line was not as dark as I would have hoped. So now I'm worrying that my beta is going down instead of up...

Of course this is completely stupid, because I have nothing to compare this line to - I didn't test yesterday or the days before and I don't have another kit at home, so can't test tomorrow (my initial idea was to buy several kits and test a few days in a row, but in the end decided I shouldn't spent too much money and try not to obsess about it).

Other than that my symptoms are still the same: sore breasts, tired, lower back pain, and some (minor) cramping. I wish I could just be a normal ignorant pregnant woman...

Reassured

Well, of course I had to google some more about hCG levels and luckily found some quite reliable sites that were able to reassure me that 55 is actually a pretty ok number and that you basically can't say anything after just one hCG test. So a new waiting period starts - 5 days until Monday - but for the moment I'm pregnant!

So far so good

Got my beta hCG result: 55 - BFP!
Well maybe not BF, the number seems quite low when I compare it to what other women had at this stage (12dp3dt), so I'm not jumping for joy yet (it's also quite surreal to have a BFP after more than five years of TTC/BFN). But the assistant at the clinic said it was positive and we should wait and see what the second beta is on Monday. If that one's OK, then maybe I'll be able to relax a bit more...