The bracelet - the one she never got to meet

This is the fourth and last post about my mother's bracelet. You can find the other ones here, here and here.

Today we celebrate my youngest son's first birthday. He was born 14 months after my mother died, so she wasn't there anymore to see me pregnant for the second time, to hold her fourth grandchild in her arms, or to have his coin touch her arm on a daily basis. She did know, however, that we wanted to try for another child, and it was a thought that made her happy, even though she knew she would probably not meet that child (at least not in this life).

When gearing up for another round of IVF in our quest for baby #2, my mom's situation got a lot worse. Being in a different country and not able to see her every day, it was hard for me to know how bad it really was. So I started suppression. Just before I was to start stimulation I got a very emotional call from my parents. I knew she was doing a lot worse than before, but my dad said it was really really bad. They were still going on a river cruise organized for sick and disabled people, but, he told me, after that she wanted it to be over. I couldn't believe it, it was so hard. I didn't quite know what "she wants it to be over" would entail, but I knew it would not go hand in hand with our IVF schedule. I told my dad, I asked him if he thought she could hang in there a bit longer. He handed the phone to my mom. I explained my situation to her (it seems so selfish now), asked her if she thought she could wait. We were both crying. She answered that life had become so unbearably hard for her, she didn't think she could do it. I went into denial. Four days after starting stimming, when at my mom's side in Holland, I came to my senses and we canceled our cycle. Three days later my mom died.

We tried again a few months later. It was a BFN. I felt very down. But luckily we had one frozen embryo left from this cycle, with which we did a FET in early May 2011. And now our son is one year old.

I cannot share my son's milestones or funny things that happened with my mother anymore. But somehow I choose to believe that she knows him. As the months since her passing went by, I was looking for that bird, or ray of sunshine, or some other sign that would tell me my mom was somehow still there with me. But I had the feeling there was nothing. Until I realized that if there was somewhere I could find my mother's spirit, it was in my baby's eyes. This boy, so calm, so happy, has something of her in him (even though everyone keeps telling me he looks so much like his dad).

My dad decided to add a coin for him to the bracelet. It is complete now.

Happy birthday to me!

Yay, happy birthday to me, I'm singing while all alone at home. :-(

Hubby won't be home from his business trip until tonight, but I'm not letting that stop me from trying to get into a celebratory mood today. And it's going to be the best birthday in a long time anyway, because I'm finally pregnant!

What's on the program:

• Bake a birthday cake (apple pie with apricots on top, my grandmother's recipe)
• Go shopping (maybe for maternity jeans at the GAP...? I've been wanting a pair ever since we started TTC and that's over five years ago!)
  Edit: well, no GAP maternity jeans. The GAP here has a limited collection and only regular lengths and those are too short for me (but of course great for the petite French ladies). I did buy some fancy PJs at another store though, with enough stretch for a growing belly... BTW, it was ridiculously busy at the mall (does no one need to work?!).
  
• Phone calls from family and friends (I bet my grandma is going to be the first to call, she's a very early bird)
• Music ensemble rehearsal - I will bring some apple pie for my two friends to celebrate my birthday and pregnancy announcement
• Hubby's return - which means I can open my present (which we bought together on Saturday, so I already know what it is, but I won't open the package until he's back)!

I actually also really need to clean the apartment, but I've decided that's not something to do on a birthday, so I'll postpone that until Wednesday.

A fun fact is that I was born on a so-called "carless" Sunday (they had a few of those in the Netherlands during the '73/'74 oil crisis). My dad had hoped for a police escort when driving to the hospital, but they just gave him a note... :-)

Oh yeah, and a cool small thing is that the time I posted this is the actual time I was born... (thanks to blogger for giving me the opportunity to cheat between writing and posting)

My new year's eve

Since tomorrow's my birthday, today is my personal new year's eve. A pretty uneventful day. Went to the lab to have a blood and urine test, finished writing and mailing our Christmas cards, booked a trip (with left-over miles from when I still had a career...) to my sister in the US for February, and went to yoga class this evening. Hubby's out on a business trip until tomorrow evening.

I've not been feeling that great these last two days. Yesterday I almost fainted when I was cleaning up the breakfast table (so yes, after I'd eaten) and felt a bit out of it the entire day. I also started to have some burning sensation when peeing. Not all the time though and mostly on the left. I had this last week too and when I told my OB at the checkup on Tuesday she was afraid I would have a urinary infection, but luckily the test came back negative and on further inspection it turned out to be a small cut... Problem was gone two days later so I thought it had healed, but now it's back. So is it the same thing or something else...? I don't like this, it makes me worry too much.

Yoga class helped not to think about it for about an hour. Belly is very 'present' again this evening and I also feel a bit bloated (but maybe that's because I had a liter of tomato soup for dinner...) and my jeans seemed awfully tight - don't know if I will make it until the January sale before buying maternity jeans!