Trying to get out of the mud

I'm hesitant to start writing again. It's been such a long time... I've been reading all the blogs I follow, but mostly on my phone, and even though many times I'm thinking I should write a comment, it only rarely happened. I thought I would have more me-time once our oldest would start preschool and the baby would go to the sitter. That I would go out and find new work projects. But there was so much to unclutter first - the apartment, the admin, but especially my head... (I started playing Su.doku again, does that make any sense...?)

Our toddler has changed into a preschooler. It's amazing how a child can grow in such a short period of time. He loves it. It also wears him out (he goes there four days a week, of which two days are full days including 'cantine' and the two other days he has lunch at home), so it's good that he can recharge his batteries during the 2-week school holidays that will start this weekend.

Routine has changed too. We now cannot linger around in the morning, the school doors close at 8:40... If I'm lucky, hubby can walk our son to school and then take the bus to work. But more often than not he's either on a business trip or has an early morning meeting, so I'm left to drop off both kids. I don't do this by car or public transport. I don't walk either. I'm Dutch, so I do this by bike. But Holland is flat, and where we live it's not. I cannot afford an electric bike, so you get the idea where I get my work-out from every day (oh, and yes, after three of four times I decided I don't need to bother taking a shower before I drop the kids off...). First it's downhill to school (with a portion uphill too - either at the very beginning or at the very end, depending on which route I take), then back uphill to the sitter (she's in the complete opposite direction of the school, but I didn't want to start searching for a new sitter again when I'm very satisfied with this one - but yeah, organization-wise it's not the greatest solution). Then relatively flat back home (and to the shower).

It looks like this:

The baby is changing a lot too. He's sitting up by himself, army crawling and slowly getting on hands and knees (he makes about three to four moves before he goes back to army crawling). He eats everything you give him (all still pretty much in the baby food area) and is wearing the clothes his brother wore when he had already celebrated his first birthday (the baby is exactly nine months today). He is showing some signs of separation anxiety, but still smiles at everything. But of course no-one can make him laugh like his brother can.

There are many blog posts brewing in my head. It is my intention to finally write them down and bring this blog back to live. One step taken. I'm slowly getting there, now getting some paid work in would be nice too. 

Maybe this one will not be the spitting image of his dad...

Me, 1 day old (back in 1973)

Baby #2, 32w u/s 4D scan

First appointment for IVF #2

So yesterday we had our first appointment for IVF #2. The clinic had moved since we'd last been there in 2008, so it was all a bit new to us. We had expected a waiting time of at least 30 minutes, but it seemed like our RE is going through some meager times (or it was just a slow day yesterday), because we were seen almost immediately and his cell phone didn't ring either during the consult (which was always the case last time around, very annoying).

There are some tests to be redone (blood work for both of us, sperm for hubby, and pap for me, but luckily I have one scheduled two weeks from now with my OBGYN, so I don't have to do that at the lab like last time) and then we have another appointment in about a month (mandatory reflection time + time to get all the tests done and fill in the paperwork) and then we should be good to go at the end of October.

Of course we hope this time around will be as successful as last time, but to me it seems there is some extra pressure. My mom's cancer turned out much worse than initially thought: it has spread to her brain, so the prognosis is quite bleak (survival rate somewhere between two months and two years - for the moment she's doing ok and in fighting spirit). I hope she'll be able to hold another grandchild - our second child. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but it would be such a wonderful gift, to all of us.

Here we go again

Well, of course there were friends, family, and my GP all saying that probably, for #2 it would all go the natural way. My body would now know what to do. Yeah, maybe, but so far it's not working and I don't want to wait (read: waste) another year or two. So I called the fertility clinic. Appointment's set for September 22nd.

Update on resolutions

Well, about time for a bit more optimistic post since my last one which was pretty depressing. I'm doing a lot better now and as for the resolutions - I've got most of them covered.

Have been seeing a psychoanalyst for the past month and a half, it's interesting, to say the least. Baby has been taking the bottle for about the same time. Coincidence? Not really - a friend was babysitting when I went to see the therapist and she asked me if she should try to give my son the bottle - I said 'sure, good luck' and didn't believe she would manage - but she did - the next day he didn't want it from me, but two days later he accepted it from hubs and has been taking it ever since. What a relief! Still nursed evenings and mornings for a few weeks, until he refused to take the breast in the evening, than just early mornings, followed with a bottle including cereal around (our) breakfast time. But I haven't nursed the past three days because he woke up pretty late, so I guess the breastfeeding period will soon be completely over. Even though I wanted it, it's still kind of a weird feeling.

I've been taking yoga classes again as well - but only when hubby is not away on a business trip, don't find it important enough yet to get a babysitter for. Music is also on the program again - I can put my son in the playpen and play while facing him. The first time he looked quite startled, but now he just continues playing, and sometimes starts 'singing' along! I've also sent a message to my fellow musicians that I'm ready to take up the trio again, but haven't had a response back yet, hmm... maybe eight months was too long of a wait for them?

None of the daycare centers around the neighborhood had a free spot for my son (as the French system is all about equality, you can't just 'buy' a spot at a good center if you would have the money for it) but as of May I have a spot for 2.5 days a week with a nanny (at her home, with a maximum of four kids at a time) who also takes care of our neighbor's 2-year old girl. So that will be great, because I had a small work project for the past two weeks and it was nearly impossible to do - only time I could work was during naps, a little playtime and in the evenings. Took me a week longer than I had hoped.

New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

"Just relax"

Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.

So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?

I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).

The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...

Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.

IF mindset

The other day we had dinner with friends who have four kids. When we sat down at the table, the youngest girl said all excitedly "I'm sitting between the daddies!". I immediately thought, "well, yeah, but my hubby's not really a daddy", when I realized that he is! We are finally parents too! But I guess after all those empty years, there's some adjusting to do in my head...

Trying to multi-task