Random thoughts

It's CD27, I'm anxious to start our FET, but I think my body is asking me to be a bit more patient. AF lasted almost until CD10 after the failed IVF, based on my CM I would say that I ovulated last week, but this morning I had this typical ovulation pain on the right side, so who knows what's happening right now (I didn't take any OPT). Consult with the RE is on Thursday (but he will not do any u/s or bloodwork, just talk for 10 minutes and charge me 70 euros).

I don't really know what to expect of his FET. We only have one embryo frozen, how big is the chance it won't thaw properly? It's the same Grade A excellent quality as one of the embies that was transferred for IVF#2 - which didn't make it. So why should I believe its frozen brother or sister will have a better chance?

With IVF#1 I was hopeful, but didn't expect much - we had six failed IUIs behind us, so BFN had become the norm. But it worked... Then with IVF#2 I was worried that they wouldn't be able to retrieve any eggs - there were less than the first time, but still a decent amount. Then I worried that they wouldn't fertilize - but they did, and actually better than the first time. So when those hurdles were taken, and we had three perfect embryos, I was convinced that it was going to work, just like last time, and that I might even be pregnant with twins.

So the BFN hit me hard. I felt exactly the way Sarah described it in her comment on my previous post. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm a bit pessimistic, it might work better (oh, the logic of an IFer...).

The insurance stuff is almost sorted. I got a confirmation for one of the forms I'd sent them copies of, but nothing had been reimbursed yet. So I called to check what happened to the other form and when I could expect to be paid back. Well, turns out they OK'ed all procedures (for both forms), but just bothered to send a confirmation for one. And regarding the payment - I have to send them back the printout of their electronic file before I can get paid. That's insane! We have an insurance card with electronic chip, which means that payments are automatically transferred from whichever medical office you're paying your bill for, to your insurance company and you will be reimbursed with a transfer directly into your bank account - no paperwork, no checks in the mail, everything electronic. Now I have to send them back a printout of these payments that were on-hold instead of that they just click a checkbox or whatever in their software at the same time that they OK the forms... Of course I did send the printouts back, because I want to be paid ASAP, but this is bureaucracy at its finest I must say.

Afraid of losing time

Today, without the distraction of my son (who's at the nanny's), is more difficult than yesterday. It started out OK, but then we arrived at the nanny's and I had intended to tell her about our failed IVF, so she would know why she had to take care of our son so much more than normal two weeks ago, and by doing so, hoping that her hurtful remarks that we should hurry up having a second baby would stop. But it wasn't the moment. Both her kids were there (preteen boy and teenage girl) and it just felt bad. So I just left.

Then I went to the lab to pick up my copy of Wednesday's beta test. While waiting, I saw that the lab technician who had drawn my blood on Wednesday was pregnant (I hadn't noticed on Wednesday). It stung. Somehow I had hoped that my beta would be super low, but still above 2 (so there might have been implantation), but it wasn't: <2.

I felt like crying when I left the lab. Back home I called the RE's office to make an appointment to discuss what went wrong with IVF #2 (not that I think he can enlighten me much on this) and what to expect from FET #1. I had called them yesterday as well, asking if a consult was necessary before the FET. The assistant said that it was up to me, but that she could also just mail me the prescription. Since I didn't think the RE would be able to say much about why IVF#2 failed, I opted to have the prescription mailed. But then hubby and I talked, and we decided it would be good to talk to the RE anyway (discuss why day 2 transfer, why day 2 frozen embryo, maybe even assisted hatching?), so that's why I called to make the appointment today.

Appointment is set for April 7 (earlier not possible). So the assistant said she would put away my file again and not mail me the FET prescription, because the RE would give it to me on April 7. After I'd hung up, my mind started racing again... what if next month's AF would show before the appointment, and I would thus run the risk of having to wait another month with the FET, because the treatment might start on CD01...?

Just the fact of looking into my agenda, thinking, ok, so maybe no FET until May, then if that fails, wait another month before being able to start IVF#3 (which I don't want to do at all right now), and with the long protocol, that would mean ER/ER late July/early August (hopefully just in time before the entire country, including RE and staff, would leave for a month of summer vacation)... which would mean my son would be almost three if and when that IVF attempt would be successful (plus, probably more importantly, I would be 38 by that time), made me cry.

After running around in circles for about an hour, I decided to call the RE's office again. Explained very apologetically what I was thinking/worried about and asked when treatment would start (CD04) and if she could maybe still mail me the subscription. "Comme vous voulez, Madame". OK, well, then, yes, please mail it to me (and I'm sorry for being such a nervous wreck - but I hope you understand a bit an IFer's mindset).

So I feel better about that now - and now that I wrote it all down (and thanks for reading my ramblings until the end), I should really get something done today - after all, this is supposed to be my work day.

Well...

2WW/WUB is not making me a very happy woman...

Symptoms so far:

• twinges/cramping in uterus/ovaries area
• lower back pain
• feeling bloated
• crazy dreams
• emotional / grumpy: yesterday I started crying because my 19-month old didn't want to eat his lunch (he even threw it on the floor), this morning I bitched at hubby for asking me all kinds of questions that I didn't know the answer too (they were of an organizational kind, and normally I respond that I'm going to look it up for him/take care of it, but this morning I just told him I didn't know and he had to figure it out himself - he was not happy).

Other than that, nothing, my breasts are still not hurting or anything, so I'm a bit pessimistic (even though I know it's still super early).

Images

Two images keep floating into my head: the first is of the two embryos being brought into my uterus, the second one the photos of the three perfect 4-cell embryos the embryologist showed us before the transfer (no, we didn't get a copy).

These images make me happy. They also fill me with anxiety. I've followed enough blogs where I've seen photos of perfect looking embies, only to read a BFN report a few weeks later.

The anxiety is different than with IVF#1 - then, I was almost sure it would fail (but of course I hoped it wouldn't). Now, I sometimes wonder I'm too sure of it working, because the first one did.

I can hardly concentrate on anything besides reading IF blogs. I'm going back into my own blog archives to see what I wrote during the 2WW/WUB with IVF#1. Scold myself for not being more detailed (when did my breast get sore...?). Today I was sooo tired, but not being tired is more an exception than the rule since my baby was born, so it doesn't mean anything (although I do think I'm extra tired from all the emotions coming with ER and ET etc).

So yes, welcome back 2WW/WUB! Please don't drive me insane...

CD30 - getting pessimistic

Well, everything is basically still as OK as the last few days, but today I asked the RE how many (usable) follicles we can count on, and the answer is seven (...).

Last time (yes, 2.5 years ago) they retrieved 14 (of which eight were fertilized, of which only two were good enough to be transferred). So I'm a bit scared that it won't work this time. I know you only need one great one, and some smaller ones could still mature over the coming two days, but hmm, I'm a bit blue. Oh, and for the records, estradiol level is 2621 pg/ml today.

But the good news is that we do have a date set for ER and it will be Tuesday, so exactly the same cycle length as last time, even though I'm reacting differently to the stimulation and the dose for the last few days is also much higher than for IVF #1. I guess that's due to being 2.5 years older than last time? So tonight and tomorrow night again 225 IU Puregon injections, then triggering Sunday night.

Update: the RE's secretary called to say I should change back to 150 IU Puregon for tonight and tomorrow night (based on my pretty high estrogen level).

New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

"Just relax"

Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.

So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?

I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).

The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...

Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.

Little meltdown

I had a small nervous breakdown this morning around 5.30 am. I had been up for bathroom breaks at my usual hours, but then couldn't sleep anymore from 3.30 am onwards.

Due to the terrible itch (it was horrible all day yesterday too, luckily a bit better now) and too much stuff in my head - how long before the baby will come? How long can my parents wait patiently in Holland before driving south anyway, even when they said they won't come before the baby's born (but they booked a place from this Wednesday on - why didn't they just take our neighbor's apartment who offered it for a week from July 3rd on)? What if I go way past my due date? Can people please stop calling every other day to ask how it's going? Can I tell them 'don't call us, we call you' or is that rude? Do I need to call day care centers when I don't know yet if the company will offer me a new contract? But what if I wait too long and there is no more space? Will there be more high school kids jumping into our garden today to fetch balls they accidentally threw over the fence? Will our landlord repair the fence (broken by the high school kids on Friday) quickly or will it take months and months, like everything else we ask them to do? Why am I worrying about all these things? Why do I have this horrible itch? Why can't I sleep? Etc. etc.

I think it's all got to do something with the idea I had that the baby would definitely come earlier than my due date, and somehow I had set D-Day in my head for yesterday - wouldn't it be wonderful: born on a Sunday, just like his parents, on Father's Day (hubby was born on mother's day), on the first day of summer, on the 'fête de la musique', on his mommy's and grandpa's name day... Yes, I know, too good to be true. Or so tacky that the baby, like his daddy would do, would just refuse to be born on such a day, out of sheer recalcitrance.

So of course no signs at all of impending labor, and all the thoughts mentioned above going round and round in my head. So I started crying, which woke hubby up, who tried to console me, fell back asleep, while I stayed awake. As soon as the alarm went off at 7 am I stood beside the bed. After breakfast and hubby's departure I took it easy by doing some prenatal yoga and breathing exercises (which almost made me freak out instead of relax because I couldn't breathe out for more than 25 seconds, while the goal for labor contractions is 30-40 seconds - but in the end I did manage) and then took a shower. Doing a bit better now, but still very tired, so I'm in for at least one good nap today.

Funny how the mind works

I woke up from a dream around 3 am in which I told myself to take two Aleve because I was having menstrual cramps... Out of my dream state, I was still feeling cramps and immediately thought 'oh crap, not now', because today hubby has a little one-day work trip to Antwerp, so it would be really bad timing if I would go into labor right now.

I got up, went to the bathroom and took a paracetamol (not that those things ever help when I'm having cramps, but it's the only thing I'm allowed to take, so what else could I do). Felt my belly, not really contraction-rock-hard, the pain wasn't coming and going in waves either, just a general belly and lower back ache. So I went back to bed and tried not to worry too much.

Alarm went off at 4:45 am, made hubby breakfast and printed his boarding passes. The cramps hadn't increased. I actually felt quite OK, and was convinced this was just my mind playing tricks on me because hubby was leaving (he did leave with a whole scheme of flights and trains that he can take back home earlier than his original evening flight, just in case). At one of the hospital info sessions they had already warned for going into false labor with the example 'when your husband has a business trip to Paris'. Oh yeah, and the other thing that made me have contractions was very likely the fact that I had cleaned the windows and washed + ironed the curtains yesterday (what do you mean, nesting?), of course way too much activity for a 9-month pregnant lady!

After I promised hubby I wouldn't do anything today (he didn't believe me, I could see it) and he had left for the airport, I heated up a pad to put on my belly and went back to bed. Slept for a couple of more hours, which was great. Woke up without pain. Had a lazy shower and breakfast and am lying on the couch right now (which my lower back actually doesn't like very much. I'd love to be in the hammock, but the frame is not set-up and it's too heavy for me to carry). The only things on my to-do list for today: make grocery list for for tomorrow (done), update blog (almost done), play cello, read New Yorkers (still six, eh... eight issues behind). Was really tempted to do a load of laundry, but I'll wait until tomorrow, so hubby can help.

Luckily this is the last business trip that hubby's taking before my due date. I told the little one he can come any time starting Tuesday (so I can still have the acupuncture session on Monday afternoon). Officially I still have exactly two weeks to go. We'll see what happens...

A bit bored

Well, luckily no more lower back pain or cramps today, just a few twinges. Other than that, I'm a bit bored (although I did check off a lot of tasks on my to-do list today), hubby is off around Europe for work this week, next check-up and u/s still two weeks away. Time to watch some Dr. House (but please no episodes with dying babies or sick pregnant women, those give me nightmares)...

Lower back pain and some cramps

So last week, while I was sick, I was worried that my pregnancy symptoms were decreasing and that the baby was no longer alive. Now that the cold/flu is gone, I noticed the symptoms are still there, but get freaked out because yesterday evening I suddenly got some cramps and lower back pain and I'm worried I'm going to have a miscarriage. It came back early this morning and this afternoon around 4 pm (still there while I write this). Absolutely no bleeding or spotting though, just some mild pain, like when you have your period - around day 3, nothing like the horrible cramps I usually have on day 1 and 2. So I assume/hope it's normal, due to the uterus expanding or something, but of course I keep a check on it to see if it gets any worse.

Stupid cold

Thanks to my hubby, who was sick two weeks ago (and is still coughing), I suffer from a stupid cold since Thursday. I limit myself to paracetamol (the European version of Tylenol), homeopathic tablets for sore throat, and a little bit of homeopathic cough syrup twice a day. I also took some nasal spray for a few days, convinced it was just saline spray, but when I looked closer at the bottle this morning I saw that it was a little stronger than I thought - so I put that back in the medicine cabinet (and try not to freak out that I took it and it might be harmful...).

Other than that I still sleep a lot, but now it's hard to know if I'm tired because of the cold or the pregnancy. Breasts hurt a lot less (but still a little tender and bigger than usual) and no other new symptoms to speak of. My next doctor's appointment is not until December 9, so I'm getting a bit anxious that everything is still OK. I know I shouldn't worry, but the cold is not helping much. Still taking progesterone suppositories - now only once a day instead of twice - and baby aspirin. My OB told me to continue both until the next appointment, because stopping might do more harm than continuing (hmm, don't you love this kind of reasoning...?).

Eating out

Friday evening we went out to dinner with a friend from Holland, and I did not have a relaxing good time. Every item on the menu seemed to harbor a potential danger - salad (would it have been washed properly?), cheese (would it be raw-milk?), foie gras (out of the question), red meat (I rather don't eat it than eat it 'well done'), etc. etc. Pff, somehow the entire food industry seems to have become suspect. I think I prefer home-cooked meals from now on, even if I don't feel like cooking all the time...

Optimistic or cautious

Yesterday evening my sister-in-law called to check how I was doing. "Oh, I'm so happy for you! I told my colleague that you're finally pregnant and that you might have twins, or even triplets or...!" Eh... looking at my low betas I think it's only one. "Oh, that's fine too, but two would be great!" Hmm, yes, of course (but it also means additional risks - I didn't say that though). I briefly considered sending her Busted's doodles video, but it wouldn't work anyway. She's living a blissfully naive life in a small Swiss village, surrounded by farm animals and lots of women who just got pregnant the easy way (including herself).

My mum can't hide her excitement either, and calls me about ever other day, wondering when I'm finally going to react more enthusiastically myself (for sure not before Friday's ultrasound and maybe not even before the end of the first trimester - which doesn't mean that of course I am really happy that we've already come this far, but also pretty anxious about everything). She also seemed a bit taken aback when she found out that my hubby had told one of his best friends, but I still haven't told my cousin.

Well... it's true that there might not seem to be much logic (at least to her) to which friends / family members we've shared the news with and to whom we haven't said a thing yet. It's just that some people we feel much more comfortable sharing it with than with others. In the meantime my mum is very proud of herself for keeping her mouth shut, which makes me smile.

By contrast, I got a lovely letter from my grandma (the only person my mum did tell), cautiously congratulating us, while not even daring to write the word 'pregnant'. Very sweet.

Stupid

I've done something stupid this morning: I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive (of course), but the line was not as dark as I would have hoped. So now I'm worrying that my beta is going down instead of up...

Of course this is completely stupid, because I have nothing to compare this line to - I didn't test yesterday or the days before and I don't have another kit at home, so can't test tomorrow (my initial idea was to buy several kits and test a few days in a row, but in the end decided I shouldn't spent too much money and try not to obsess about it).

Other than that my symptoms are still the same: sore breasts, tired, lower back pain, and some (minor) cramping. I wish I could just be a normal ignorant pregnant woman...

Cramping

Another not so great night. Lots of trips to the bathroom. After the fourth one I finally registered in my sleepy head that it was more cramping than having to pee that woke me up. Not super horrible cramping, but still, it kept me awake. In a normal cycle I would have swallowed an Aleve already, but don't want to risk anything now. Tried lying on my stomach / curled up / deep breathing, but it didn't help much. Finally put one of those microwavable heat things on my stomach, which worked and allowed me to sleep for another hour until the alarm woke me up.

No night sweat this time, although now and then some minor hot flashes. Breasts still hurt, no spotting or bleeding yet, so I'm still hopeful (or am I just in denial?). Also felt better after seeing that someone left a comment on my blog (yay! thanks PJ!) and reading a long email from my sister. Hubbie left for the airport, I think I'm going back to bed for a little bit.

Nightmare

Had a horrible night. Got up four times to go to the bathroom (note to self: don't drink too much tea just before going to bed). Woke up again around 5.30am from a night sweat. No!!! Tried not to freak out too much, stayed under the covers and managed to fall back asleep. But of course then the dreams started... Woke up half an hour later, crying - because I knew it was all over: night sweats and no more sore breasts (I dreamed other, really ridiculous things, but that's not too uncommon for me). Hubbie asked what was wrong, so I told him, then checked my breast... still hurting. So I calmed down a bit, but still not happy about the night sweat. Now I'm slowly trying to start the day as normally as I possibly can...