Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

5 comments:

iambrowneyedgirl said...

I know how you feel. I too feel like I'm losing myself since the birth of my little one and I miss the old me very much. I hope you are able to sort things out for yourself very soon. I know it's a struggle for me each day.

gelat said...

you have very interesting resolutions..

Coffeegrl said...

I think it's totally reasonable and healthy to want to care for yourself. Happy mama = happy baby, in my opinion. I loved being able to breastfeed my baby, but missed wine terribly and wish that she would have taken the bottle. I'd do things differently next time around - following more of what you propose actually!! I'm still trying to resolve the work/freelance issue. I'm hoping that maybe this year I find some answers too.

Best of luck in 2010

Anna said...

Just found your blog and I am reading up as much as I can. Congratulations on your beautiful baby and I wish you the best for 2010!

I am so glad to have found it because you are expressing so well how it feels to be a bit lost, being a foreigner in France.

A couple of questions? Where in France are you located and do you have a center in your area that you would recommend? (I don't have anything nearby in the French Caribbean so I need to go to some other part of France anyway.) You mentioned in a blog post that you got good coverage out of your Mutuelle. Do you mind telling which one you have?

My email is asmith9715@gmail.com

lostintranslation said...

@Anna - I just sent you an email.