Perfect Moment Monday - Rich

Another Perfect Moment about my children... 

After hitting publish on my previous post I realized I would have liked to add how extremely happy and grateful I am for my two boys, and that I don't take having them for granted at any moment.

We went back home to Holland over the Easter holiday (although there isn't really a home there anymore, my parents' condo is up for sale, my dad now lives more at his girlfriend's place and cleaned out a lot of stuff - we stayed there and had lots of room, but it felt cold and empty) - mainly so my two grandmothers would have a chance to see our youngest son and of course to see other family members and friends - and to stock up on all the Dutch goodies we love some much and can't get here in France (peanut butter, chocolate sprinkles, licorice, etc).

It was a full and busy week. The kids were often not in bed before 10 pm because of travel or dinner with friends, etc. The 11-hour drive back home was with a fully packed car (I even bought a new bike!) and even though the boys were champs, it was pretty tiring for everyone. So the next day we took it easy at home (except for hubby, who had to go to work again). When I'd put the toddler down for his afternoon nap, the baby and I went to sleep as well. An hour later the toddler came into our room, climbed into the big bed, snuggled up with me, and promptly fell asleep again. The baby stirred a bit in his co-sleeper, so I put a hand on his stomach to keep him calm and so he wouldn't fully wake up. I suddenly felt so incredibly rich with my two boys at my side, sound asleep in the comfort of their mommy's presence. I didn't mind at all that I was now wide awake, I was so happy. I savored that moment, nothing else mattered.

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On the 4th Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between. What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Visit Write Mind Open Heart and share your comment love. The next Perfect Moment Monday event will be on May 28.

How many children?

This post came about after a prompt from St Elsewhere a few months ago... The idea has finally taken on enough form that I think I can write it down, even though I'm not sure I have a final answer yet.

In St Elsewhere's prompt there were three questions:

Q. How many children do you want?
Q. what issues/factors drive this 'number'?
Q. Has the number of children you wanted changed through your TTC journey? Would you rather leave this number question open and say as many as we can?

I will try to answer them as a whole.

Before we even started TTC I always dreamt of having four children, and maybe two of those would be twins. We'd have a fun and loving family. Never a dull moment. Then we started TTC and it didn't go as planned. After trying naturally for about two years, and then six failed IUIs, my dream of four children had been changed into the desperate cry to have at least one living and healthy child.

Then IVF #1 was a success. A breezy pregnancy which resulted in a healthy baby, love and happiness and the adrenaline rush of wanting to do this again. Soon. And so many people were saying that probably my body would know what to do now, and we wouldn't need IVF anymore for baby #2, #3 and who knows, #4 (which was still a desire, but I'd lost quite a few years during the TTC and IF battle so I wasn't sure if I wouldn't be too old by that time). But, when usually (or at least according to the books) life with baby becomes easier after the first three months, mine became a sleep-deprivation hell. I lost myself and I couldn't imagine wanting to go through that again. Maybe I wasn't made for this. Maybe I should be content with one child.

But of course it got better, and looking back I thought there might be things I could do differently with a second baby. So we started TTC again. But no luck the natural way, and we didn't want to waste too much time, so after a few months, we were sitting in the RE's office again. IVF#2 was a go. The first attempt was cancelled midway because of my mother's passing. The second attempt went OK, but when lying in the recovery room after ER I told myself "I never want to do this again", so much stress, so much uncertainty. Two beautiful embies were transferred, one was frozen. Since IVF#1 had been a success I thought this time around it would work too. And the dream of four children was suddenly back: twins from IVF#2 and then another child from a subsequent FET... How wonderful would that be?

Well, it didn't happen. I got a BFN from IVF#2 and the dream of four children immediately changed back into the realization that maybe I should be content with one child. 

I didn't have high hopes for the FET a few months later. But this one stuck around, and was pregnant with a second son. Another great pregnancy. Two boys. I couldn't be happier. When I gave birth to him I thought I would have this feeling of "now my family is complete. Our family building is over" like I heard some women say. But I didn't. Not that there was a feeling that I immediately wanted to do this again. No, there was just love, an immense amount of love for this new and tiny human being, nothing more and nothing less.

I let go of the dream of four children. But three children is still a question mark. In two years I'll be 40. I find that quite old to be a new mom again. And that thought I had in the recovery room after ER does come back to me every now and then, I was so adamant about it, "never again".  I wouldn't mind being pregnant again though. I absolutely love being pregnant. The first few weeks after birth? Getting used to the sleepless nights again? I'd gladly skip that. And handling three kids while hubby is away on a week-long business trip, while I already lose my patience too often with two? And thinking that now, maybe, it would work the natural way? And I'm still apprehensive of the months to come with this new baby, who's now three months old - the time when it all started going downhill for me with our firstborn. I know the two boys are quite different, and I'm a lot better prepared, but still...

So, I guess the jury is still out. It's too soon to make a final decision. However, one decision has been made in my mind: no more IVF. If we were to have a third child, then it would have to be a natural miracle.

Perfect Moment Monday - bedtime

Evenings in our household have become quite a challenge lately as our toddler has decided it is the best moment to get some alone time with mommy and daddy. Usually around dinner time the baby's witching hour will start. So often I nurse while eating (and trying not to spill anything on him) and urging our toddler to eat something too - which if it's not lasagna, risotto, sausages or french fries is more or less impossible. Then when dinner is done, it's time to prepare the toddler for bed (while the baby is still/again screaming). Hubby (when he's not away for business) usually takes charge of getting him into his PJs, brushing his teeth etc. but I have to do story time. At that point he will have told us at least five times already that he doesn't want to go to bed - "Je veux pas dormir mamam" has become his new mantra.

Once we've read one or two stories, I have to sing him a song, at least twice. Then he wants me to remain seated on the sofa next to his bed. When I get up after five minutes and leave the room, he will either start crying or get out of bed too. This is repeated several times… (and I've tried different techniques and they don't make much difference, the only thing is that if I get angry, he just laughs at me) and usually it takes an hour before he finally goes to sleep [I assume this is just a phase and is all due to the arrival of the baby, before that the toddler's bedtime routine was very easy].

Then I have to put the baby to bed, which compared to the routine described  above, is quite simple - change diaper, put him in PJs (usually that's already done), nurse, burp, swaddle, put him down in co-sleeper.

One day last week I was dead tired, had lost patience a few times with the toddler, before he had finally given in and went to sleep, and I was craving a little me-time before I would crash and go to sleep myself. The baby, whom I'd put down already, was crying, so I went to our bedroom to give him back his pacifier. I wanted to leave the room again, but he spit the paci out, looked at me (the way only babies can) and started 'talking'. It was just the two of us, the craziness of the previous hours gone and he completely calmed me down. After a few minutes he just closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Despite my fatigue I went to bed smiling that evening. It was my Perfect Moment.

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On the 4th Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between. What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Visit Write Mind Open Heart and share your comment love. The next Perfect Moment Monday event will be on April 23.

Let the voting begin...

If you read my previous post you know I'm participating in the Limerick Chick Contest hosted by Lori at Write Mind Open Heart. Voting is now open for the second round, which includes my entry.
Vote for your favorite one (mine of course, ahem) by Saturday morning (MST) here.

Limerick Chick Contest

It's time for The 6th Annual Limerick Chick Contest hosted by Lori Lavender Luz at Write Mind Open Heart.

This is the second year I'm competing and here's my entry:

If you're feeling lost in a foreign city
But don't want to drown yourself in self pity
Then go to your blog and say
"I'm very far away"
And turn chagrin into something charming and witty


If you want to enter yourself, you only have until tomorrow, February 29, 10 pm MST, to do so.

Voting starts on March 4th (please vote for me!)

Perfect Moment Monday - Kisses

I've been a bad blogger lately, even a worse commenter. Life has been taken up by baby, sleep (or lack thereof) and to-do lists getting longer. But I want to look into PAIL, keep being part of the Thoughtful Thursday Intelligentsia, get inspiration for a limerick to enter the Limerick Chick Contest before it's too late (only two days to go, jikes!), and of course continue my 2012 resolution of partaking in Perfect Moment Monday.

This weekend we drove to the mountains to meet up with a woman who was my BFF from kindergarten through elementary school. Then our lives took different turns and we last saw each other about 16 years ago. Last year we connected again through FB and when she said she would be 'only' 2.5 hr drive away for a short skiing holiday this weekend, we decided to meet up. It would also be a nice opportunity to give our toddler a bit fun in the snow.

That opportunity came on Sunday morning, when I put the toddler and myself on skis and did two runs on the baby lift with him. Of course there was hardly any control on his side - hanging in his mother's arms instead of standing on his feet, especially in the lift - but he did enjoy the speed. Then hubby took him for two runs on the sled, and then he'd had enough. I was ready for a break too as pulling toddler up while trying not to fall out of the lift is quite some work!

I picked my son up, asked if he had enjoyed it. He nodded and then showered me with kisses. A perfect moment, which made the whole trip worthwhile.

What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Visit Write Mind Open Heart and share your comment love.

Birth story

Sorry for the delay, but I finally have some quiet time to sit down and write this story while I’m vacationing at my SIL’s with the kids (while hubby is away for business) and their teenage daughters are entertaining our toddler while the baby is asleep. (I hope it's coherent, I haven't reread it yet...)

After about three days of lots and lots of (sometimes painful) BH contractions and losing my mucous plug, things seemed to getting serious in the early morning of Monday, January 23rd. I first thought they were still BH contractions, as I mainly felt them in my lower abdomen, but they did come in more regular intervals and seemed to be getting stronger too. The previous days the contractions were mainly there when I was lying in bed and would subside when I would get up and/or take two Spasfon tablets. This time however they remained strong, even after changing position, taking Spasfon, and taking a warm bath. I had been up since 4 am and around 5:30 am we decided that this was the real thing, and moved into gear to get the toddler off to the neighbors and ourselves to the hospital about an hour later. We arrived at the hospital just before 7:30 am, just in time for a shift change. We were greeted by a midwife and student midwife who checked how far along I was: 3 cm dilated. Not that far, but we were allowed to stay and brought into a pre-L&D room, where I was put on monitoring for the first hour and then left to ourselves. After a total of two hours they did another cervical check: 5 cm dilated – off to the L&D room.

I had told the midwife that I wanted to see how things were progressing whether or not to ask for an epidural. With the birth of our first son I had taken an epidural after about 20 hrs of labor, when things were not progressing as they should and I was completely exhausted. The first dose had worn almost off by the time I was fully dilated, so I was able to feel everything (or so I thought, but more on that later…) when it was time to push, and I’d like to have that same experience this time.

I was very lucky that it wasn’t a busy day at all and the midwife came to check on me very regularly. The first part of labor I’d been sitting on a big exercise ball, with my hands on the bed and was handling the contractions pretty well up until about 6 cm when they changed in intensity. Just when I was thinking ‘next time the midwife comes in, I will probably ask for the epidural’, she came in, proposed a different position (on all fours on the bed, with a smaller exercise ball to lean on), which was wonderful, so we continued the natural way. I was still laboring at a pace of about 1 cm per hour, not very fast (and I was certainly not getting the 5-6 hr labor as everyone was saying is pretty common for a second baby), but steady. Every time things were getting tough the midwife proposed something else and helped me through it. As I was having quite some back contractions she had also put some acupuncture needles in my back (I’m not really sure if they did anything, and in the end she took them out because I was lying on my back and they were bothering me) and showed my husband the pressure points on my lower back, so he was helping a lot too.

When I was about 8-9 cm dilated the contractions became quite unbearable, but I was not going for the epidural anymore, I had such a good team around me, and was still feeling in pretty good shape, so we were set for an all-natural birth! However the end was really, really tough, I won’t lie. I felt a slight urge to push and told the midwife so. She told me I could push, but somehow I didn’t really dare to, so she wondered if I really felt the urge, that we could also wait a little, but I just couldn’t bear breathing the contractions away anymore, I just wanted this baby to come out! They told me to pull my legs towards me, but at that point I didn’t have much strength left and would have preferred if I could have put my feet up against something/someone. It took quite a few pushes before the head came out – the first few I didn’t have enough strength to make them last long enough. The midwife made me feel the top of the baby’s head as encouragement, but I was just one ball of pain. At one point (when the head was crowning) it hurt so much I was screaming like in the movies and asking the midwife what the hell she was doing when she replied: “I’m not doing anything, it’s the head that’s coming out”. They urged me to keep pushing to get the shoulders out as well, but I just needed to take a break and gather my strength to push again. Apparently the cord was around the baby’s neck – hubby told me later the midwife removed it in one swift motion. Encouraged by hubby and the two midwives I did manage that final push that got the shoulders and then the rest of the body out. The midwife handed me a bit of a limp and bluish baby that didn’t cry much, but once on my chest everything was perfect. It was Monday, January 23rd, 2:54 pm, our second son (3640 g and 53 cm) was safely in my arms after 11 hours of labor.

Despite the feeling that I didn't push as well as I could have, the midwife was very impressed with the way I did it and wanted to know where I'd taken my birthing preparation classes, because she said it didn't happen very often that a woman was able to push while breathing out (and not blocking my breath, like I'd done with baby #1, which was very effective, but as the preparation midwife had told me, especially for a second baby, not so good for your body - with a chance of pushing other organs too much down).

The placenta and membranes came out OK as well and after that they had to stitch two minor tears, which was a bit uncomfortable as I think she didn’t wait quite long enough for the local anesthetic to take effect.

After about two hours we were wheeled to our room in the maternity ward, where we stayed until Thursday morning (standard procedure in France). The first few nights were a bit rough, since he was constantly demanding to be fed and the colostrum didn’t seem to satisfy him, so we complemented two or three times with a little bit of formula. Once my milk came in this problem was over (not that he didn’t demand to be fed anymore) and in the first week he gained about 600 g and the second week another 500 g.

In the hospital

We’re adjusting pretty well to a life as a family of four. Our toddler is very sweet with the baby but also needs his fair share of attention, which he sometimes demands by throwing tantrums or being otherwise disobedient, which is all pretty normal I guess.

Brothers