Lost

How desolate can one feel, at 6:15 am, staring at a pee stick, wishing for that second line to show up. Especially when just a moment ago, I woke from a nice dream in which that second line was definitely there.

I had an appointment at the lab at 9:15 for my first beta. I noticed some super light pink spotting before I left. Had my blood drawn. Went to Ikea to try to distract my mind. Felt crampy, with lower back pain. Typical first day menstrual symptoms.

I went to the bathroom. There was more blood. I cried.

Hubby decided not to return to work after our morning trip to Ikea, but to accompany me home. That was nice.

I called the lab at 4 pm. They confirmed what I already knew. I hugged hubby and cried more. I kept thinking about those two perfect 4-cell embryos that floated into my uterus, and then just died.

We picked up our son from the nanny's, and I thought about those two embryos again, what beautiful possibilities there could have been, what dreams I already made, but that were now gone forever.

Our son had fun playing with his friends, and didn't want to go home. The nanny made one of her typical innocent remarks, that we should just make another baby, so she could keep him. Hubby picked up our son, I turned away and cried behind my sunglasses.

I had a glass of wine with dinner. Maybe I'll have another one.