Afraid of losing time

Today, without the distraction of my son (who's at the nanny's), is more difficult than yesterday. It started out OK, but then we arrived at the nanny's and I had intended to tell her about our failed IVF, so she would know why she had to take care of our son so much more than normal two weeks ago, and by doing so, hoping that her hurtful remarks that we should hurry up having a second baby would stop. But it wasn't the moment. Both her kids were there (preteen boy and teenage girl) and it just felt bad. So I just left.

Then I went to the lab to pick up my copy of Wednesday's beta test. While waiting, I saw that the lab technician who had drawn my blood on Wednesday was pregnant (I hadn't noticed on Wednesday). It stung. Somehow I had hoped that my beta would be super low, but still above 2 (so there might have been implantation), but it wasn't: <2.

I felt like crying when I left the lab. Back home I called the RE's office to make an appointment to discuss what went wrong with IVF #2 (not that I think he can enlighten me much on this) and what to expect from FET #1. I had called them yesterday as well, asking if a consult was necessary before the FET. The assistant said that it was up to me, but that she could also just mail me the prescription. Since I didn't think the RE would be able to say much about why IVF#2 failed, I opted to have the prescription mailed. But then hubby and I talked, and we decided it would be good to talk to the RE anyway (discuss why day 2 transfer, why day 2 frozen embryo, maybe even assisted hatching?), so that's why I called to make the appointment today.

Appointment is set for April 7 (earlier not possible). So the assistant said she would put away my file again and not mail me the FET prescription, because the RE would give it to me on April 7. After I'd hung up, my mind started racing again... what if next month's AF would show before the appointment, and I would thus run the risk of having to wait another month with the FET, because the treatment might start on CD01...?

Just the fact of looking into my agenda, thinking, ok, so maybe no FET until May, then if that fails, wait another month before being able to start IVF#3 (which I don't want to do at all right now), and with the long protocol, that would mean ER/ER late July/early August (hopefully just in time before the entire country, including RE and staff, would leave for a month of summer vacation)... which would mean my son would be almost three if and when that IVF attempt would be successful (plus, probably more importantly, I would be 38 by that time), made me cry.

After running around in circles for about an hour, I decided to call the RE's office again. Explained very apologetically what I was thinking/worried about and asked when treatment would start (CD04) and if she could maybe still mail me the subscription. "Comme vous voulez, Madame". OK, well, then, yes, please mail it to me (and I'm sorry for being such a nervous wreck - but I hope you understand a bit an IFer's mindset).

So I feel better about that now - and now that I wrote it all down (and thanks for reading my ramblings until the end), I should really get something done today - after all, this is supposed to be my work day.