#MicroblogMondays: warning

This summer, on the day we were leaving for a week of camping, my lower back locked up. Timing could not have been worse (try to erect a tent with a locked-up back, sleep on an air-mattress, use the bathroom, explain to your kids that, no, you can't carry them, etc. etc.). After a full day in agony I made an appointment with the local GP. He felt very sorry for me, gave me some advice, and a prescription for naproxen sodium, an anti-inflammatory.

I'm not new to naproxen sodium. Under the name of Aleve, it used to be the only pain reliever that kept my horrible menstrual craps under control (they have become a lot less since my two pregnancies, but every now and then I still use it). Only the version I got for my back pain was a bit stronger (550 mg instead of 220 mg).

I took the meds, and together with some hot showers (and a real mattress that a friend who lived nearby lent me), I felt a bit more like myself after a few days.

However, when I read the instructions/warnings, I paused for a minute... because this one I had never seen before, but hit very close to home...

Translation: if you are a woman, Antalnox Gé 550 mg (...) can alter your fertility. Its use is not recommended for women trying to conceive. If you have difficulty conceiving or if you are undergoing fertility testing, please talk to your doctor or pharmacist before taking Antalox Gé 550 mg (...).

I immediately took the Aleve bottle out of the medicine cabinet and checked if there was a similar warning on there. Negative.

Maybe it's only on the prescription version because it contains more naproxen and therefore can negatively affect fertility... But when my menstrual cramps were really heavy, I never made it to the 8 hours between two pills. I usually took a second one after 6 hours (although I never exceeded the daily dose).

I know it doesn't matter anymore, I have my two IVF-babies. But as someone diagnosed with unexplained infertility, a warning like this does bring up the "what if" questions again...

#MicroblogMondays is another great idea from Mel at Stirrup Queens. Join in!

Infertility Myth: when all tests come back normal, you're just not trying hard enough

BUSTED! There is such a thing as "unexplained infertility" - many of us in the IF community are diagnosed with it, and me and my hubby part of that group.

It is, however, a very difficult diagnosis - even though it still keeps all options open regarding treatment, it brings with it a big test in self confidence. I delayed fertility treatments because of nothing showing up on the tests, of everything being normal - and for not getting the real diagnosis until much later. After each test coming back normal, there would be someone in my entourage saying "just relax", "take a vacation", "wear some nice lingerie and drink a glass of wine". Or, probably even worse: "you're probably not trying hard enough" - it's a big slap in the face when you're hearing this while your marriage is almost falling apart because you've been charting, using OPKs, checked your CM, put a pillow under your butt, stood on your head, demanded your hubby to reschedule his business trips because of your monthly fertile window, which all resulted in sex having almost nothing to do with love making anymore but just becoming a chore.

But still, sometimes I have this weird guilty feeling, thinking that probably we really didn't try hard enough. We stopped the charting, the OPKs, the CM checks, and tried to go back to normal love making, because we didn't want our marriage to fall apart. Did we really do everything possible in trying to become pregnant naturally?

And then I have to remind myself, that yes, we did try hard enough, if we hadn't, then at least one of those six failed IUIs should have worked. No, infertility, even if there is no medical explanation, is a disease, and it has nothing to do with not trying hard enough.

This post is part of the "bust an infertility myth challenge" in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week® (and by doing so I'm trying to expand it from National to International, as I'm in France!). To get a basic understanding of infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility 101 website. For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week®, please visit the NIAW website.

New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

Hindsight

Now that I've reached the second trimester of my first IVF-pregnancy safely, I've been thinking why it had to take more than five years since we first started TTC, to get to this point. Even though it is what it is, were there moments where we maybe waited too long, or made a wrong decision?

The first big wait of 1.5 years before getting tested. Why did we wait so long? I was using BBT charts and ovulation kits, so I knew there was no problem there. I'd read that you should give it time, at least a year, before seeking help, so we did.

When we finally decided we should find out what was wrong, it took me some more time to decide where to go. Immediately to an RE, a regular OBGYN,... finally a friend told me I should go see her doc (OBGYN) and I did.

Test for hubby, tests and exams for me. All normal. Still I was put on Clomid for 'super ovulation'. BFN and I wasn't very happy about it, so I talked to the nurse, who immediately suggested IUI, for which I wasn't ready at all yet in my head.

That was all about six months before moving to France. The last year in the US wasn't a very happy one for both of us (mainly work-related), so I thought that might have something to do with our TTTC and had the naive though that once in France, all the stress would be gone.

Of course this was not the case, especially the first six months after the move were very stressful, so of course no BFPs either. Then finally took up the courage to find a doctor - first a general practitioner whom I asked for recommendations. She gave me a name of an apparently very good gynecologist, whom I called and could see three months later. The first visit was fine and she ordered a few more test. However, when we had done those and I tried to make a follow-up appointment, I was told I should call back in November (it was late August when I called) to make an appointment for January. Appalled, I vowed to find another doctor.

Luckily I met someone who was going through her 3rd or 4th IVF cycle and recommended me her RE clinic. I called and could make an appointment for a few weeks later. After the first consultation a fertiloscopy was scheduled, again only a few weeks later.

The result of the fertiloscopy was that everything looked fine, but that they had found some endometriosis in my ovaries, which was removed. The RE told us this could have been a reason for our infertility. So we went away happy that the problem was solved and thought it would work the natural way, but it didn't...

I think we were too happy that there finally seemed to have been a reason for our infertility and didn't hear in what the RE really said, that this could be a reason, but it might also have nothing to do with it. I wonder if I would have been in Holland or the US, I would have heard that when he told us, and it was the language that prevented us from 'reading between the lines'. In any case, we waited eight months before making another appointment...

I think our biggest problem was our diagnosis: unexplained infertility. After every test, every exam, we were told that everything was normal. So we initially blamed it on untimely business trips, not enough vacation, bad overall timing, stress, and think it should just work one day.

But, when you're planning a vacation with the goal to TTC, there will be added stress - and when you try to plan two weeks away without trying to think about your cycle, you bet, you've planned it around your period and not around ovulation.

So we started IUI, full of hope. After three months in a row of BFNs we took a long vacation to Australia. It was great. It was very relaxing. We didn't think or talk much about IF. And when we were on the plane on the way back home, I so not wanted to continue treatment, I was so fed up with all the false hope, the injections, the clinic visits and the ultimate BFNs.

A few weeks later we had another consult with our RE where we had to decide if we wanted to continue with three more IUIs (the maximum number allowed by the insurance) or go to IVF immediately. At that point I had resigned myself to going to do IF treatment again, but I wasn't ready yet for the tougher IVF cycle. So we chose to try three more times with the 'simple' solution, IUI. After #4 was again a BFN, I started to wonder if I'd made the right decision, but with a 'you never know' spirit, we went for #5 (BFN) and #6 (why stop now? Also BFN) as well.

After that, I really felt like we'd wasted three precious months. We decided to go for IVF after the summer break. And got a BFP. And I wondered what took us so long. But that's life I guess...