#MicroblogMondays: La Rentrée

Is summer vacation for a mother of small children ever really relaxing? We had lots of fun, but I can't say I was rested upon return (especially since M. Gourmand thought it was too much trouble going to the bathroom on the campsite - so much easier to let mommy clean up the mess… I must admit I threw away a few undies…).

Today the second week of school started with both boys attending. Last week I immediately noticed how much easier life is for the younger child. School was already familiar to him, while his brother had again to navigate a new situation as his Kindergarten class is located in the building of the elementary school - so tears for M. Sensible, big smile for M. Gourmand (who has everybody's favorite teacher as well so how can you not smile).

I now have at least my mornings back (and who knows, maybe also my blog?) - and some part of the afternoon too as M. Sensible stays at school all day and M. Gourmand takes long enough naps for me to get some work done. If I get as far as to revive my Cultural Differences series, there will certainly be a post on the topic of "La Rentrée" too.

#MicroblogMondays is another great idea from Mel at Stirrup Queens. Join in!

44

Today marks the 44th birthday of my still born brother. When my mom was still alive my sister and I would have made sure to send a bouquet of white flowers to my parents (if we weren't with them at the time). We didn't have many other rituals to mark the day - when we were little my sister and I knew about the brother we never had, my mom sometimes  told us little snippets, but that was about it.

Only later did I understand why she reacted to things the way she did. She thought it was ridiculous when in films / TV shows women in labor would be screaming (my dad had asked her not to scream when she went in to the L&D room to deliver her son while he had to wait in the hallway - she didn't scream when she had me or my sister either and delivered all three children without epidural or other pain medication. I had M. Gourmand without epidural too and I think my screams were heard on the entire L&D floor and I don't know how I would have managed without...); when she hurt herself she would say "I've faced  bigger fires before" and wouldn't complain about it;  she would tell us to 'enjoy life' before getting pregnant - feeling she and my dad had been too young (they were in their early twenties) and to 'green' to face those doctors with their horrible bedside manners that first time around (and probably even a feeling of mother's guilt that she might have been able to change the outcome had she been more assertive).

Since she died, don't really know how to celebrate this day with my dad. Anything that refers to the time with my mom expressed in the presence of his new wife still seems to make him nervous, as if she wouldn't be able to deal with his past (or he just doesn't know yet how to fit everything into his head and heart yet). I just sent him a text message to let him know I haven't forgotten. I thought that would be it, but now that I'm writing this I've decided to ask my sister (who is with them in their house in the South of France this week) to buy a small white bouquet (or gather some white wildflowers if that's easier) for my dad to remember his son.

Summer - part 1

I don't want to start each blog post with an apology for my absence, but truth be told I can't believe it's been almost two months since my last post!

School has been out since July 6th - and there was no better way to celebrate it than with M. Sensible's 4th birthday! We had seven of his friends over and they were having lots of fun in the garden, especially with the water hose. Around 6 pm the parents  came back and stayed for a BBQ and we all had lots of fun. The house was a mess afterward (almost more grass inside than outside) and we battled mosquitoes all night because we had left the screen doors (well, they're not really doors, they're screen frames, attached to the window/door frames with velcro) open, a small price to pay for such a good time.

Two days later we went to my dad's second home in the South of France for a week-long vacation. It was blistering hot, but thankfully the house has a pool. M. Gourmand came down with a fever the next day and in the evening we got a call from a doctor from some regional health agency informing us that a classmate of M. Sensible had been hospitalized with meningitis so we had to make a doctor's appointment for the next day to get a prescription for a preventive antibiotics treatment for M. Sensible. Of course I flipped a little bit with M. Gourmand having a fever and not knowing if the little boy had been at M. Sensible's birthday party... (the doctor wasn't allowed to say the boy's name - I found out via another mom who had heard from the teacher, and no, the boy hadn't been at the party). Luckily M. Gourmand was fine again the next morning, both boys were in great shape, so we weren't too concerned when we went in for the appointment. The doctor first started to lecture us about various forms of meningitis, viral and bacterial, and then the different bacterial types - as if we were all overreacting - but he quickly changed his tone when he had talked to the agency's physician on the phone. So he gave M. Sensible a quick check-up (but M. Sensible still managed to kick and scream...), wrote out the prescription and off we went. The rest of the week was pretty uneventful and relaxing.

I'd tried to contact the little boy's mother a few times but she wouldn't answer the phone so we had no idea how the boy was doing but luckily yesterday and other mom had crossed her with her kids at the market and the boy is fine! It turned out to be viral after all (although in the beginning they thought it was bacterial and of the meningococcal variety and he had spent one day in quarantine).

We'll take some more vacation in August (like real French people! - a good topic for a next Cultural Differences post) but unfortunately one of hubby's projects has changed its schedule (obviously this project is not in France...) and he now probably has to work exactly at the same time as our vacation. This really sucks for several reasons but mostly because it means that he won't really have time off and he's close to a burn out, so he really really needs some time off...

Spring Shed - week 7

Woohoo, I'm posting my week 7 report on time! The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here.

To be honest, I just can't wait for these school holidays to be over so I can get things done again! Next week won't offer much respite though, because Wednesday and Thursday are public holidays. The sitter is taking Friday off so she'll have a very long weekend (and probably 90% of the country will do the same), but M. Sensible's school is open and boy am I going to take advantage of that (I wonder how many classmates will show up though)! My SIL from Holland will be visiting, so we'll probably take some outings around the city - no need to get into the traffic jams trying to go south.

To recap my goals for this Spring Shed: my only goal is to keep finding things to not fall into complete mommy mode again (because I do think the Winter Shed accountability helped me get out of mommy mode) and so my weekly report will be on what I did to make that happen (or what I didn't do and why I fell back into mommy mode), whether that be reading more, getting more paid work, blogging more frequently etc.

So here's how I did during week 7:

I read a lot! I actually only recently (like late last week) read Mel's "Life from Scratch" and had planned to ask my sister to bring "Measure of Love" with her but when I finished the first book I didn't want to wait that long to continue reading the second one! So I downloaded the Kindle app and bought the Kindle version on Amazon. Have been reading every single free minute since...

I got a request for a small project from the agency I did the web intelligence work for in November/December and March. I sent them a quote today (which should be accepted, more a formality) so I will start that on Monday when the kids are back at school/sitter (and finish it on Tuesday because it's really that small). So even though this and the translation jobs I did a few weeks ago are small (I won't really make more than about 100 bucks with it), it's nice that they are from repeat clients and that until now I still have gotten some project, however small, to work on.

However I find that this freelance, working from home thing is quite tough - it really still is more like moonlighting when I can get a few hours off from my mommy-duties, and when hubby's away on business (which is a lot) and especially if combined with school holidays (ie the kids home all day) it's really impossible to get into work-mode. I find it unprofessional telling clients that I can't respond right away because I have the kids at home etc, but it is the truth and I don't want to work too much at night either trying to give the impression that I can do everything for everyone. I have a separate post brewing in my head about this, so I won't delve much further into it now...

Other than the reading and getting the request for the project I was still mainly on mommy-duty this week and I'm longing to have some time to myself as of Monday (but at the same time looking forward to the weekend too - which should finally bring some respite from the rain we've been having).

Spring Shed - Week 4-6

Apparently I'm doing my Spring Shed reports in three-week increments... After the week 1-3 report, here's an update on how I did during week 4-6. The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here.

Edit: I wrote this post a bit to quickly yesterday so I forgot a few things. First of all my goals for this Spring Shed! Copied from my previous Spring Shed post: my only goal is to keep finding things to not fall into complete mommy mode again (because I do think the Winter Shed accountability helped me get out of mommy mode) and so my weekly report will be on what I did to make that happen (or what I didn't do and why I fell back into mommy mode), whether that be reading more, getting more paid work, blogging more frequently etc.

Week 4 was a relatively calm week. M. Gourmand's double ear infection got better once he was on antibiotics (although administering it was a twice-daily struggle, but we persevered for the full six days) - once when he was screaming because he didn't want to take his medicine I saw something white sticking out of his gums: turns out there were four molars emerging!! Poor baby...

With him doing better I had a chance to get out of full-on mommy mode again. I had a very small translation job to do and was waiting for another one (both from the same client I did the huge project for last month). I also went to a concert with a friend that week on Thursday evening, which was a nice break in the normal weekly routine.
Edit: I also wrote two blog posts: my second participation in Time Warp Tuesday and the second installment of my Cultural Differences series.

Week 5 was gearing up for and attending my dad's wedding, plus hubby was away on business for most part of the week (we met up in Holland the day before the wedding), so not much opportunity to get out of mommy-mode, but I did get a babysitter on the Saturday evening to be able to go out with two friends to celebrate the birthday of one of them.

The second translation job came in but unfortunately I couldn't complete it because the end-client didn't send all the texts (clauses and disclaimers) before I had to leave for Holland. I have no idea if they found another translator to do that or if it's still on hold. I'm hesitant to contact the agency as I currently hardly have time to work with the kids home during the school holidays...

This past week (week 6) was still mainly full-on mommy mode as both kids have been home the entire week - M. Sensible has school holidays (two weeks - this and next week) and M. Gourmand's sitter was also on vacation this week - plus hubby again away on business as of early Wednesday morning (until tomorrow afternoon). The kids missed a lot of naps during our four days in Holland and it was very tiring for me too, plus after the four molars M. Gourmand also had two emerging canines, which resulted one night being broken up by two 30-minute long screaming fits...  so all three of us took very long naps this week. We also worked and played in the garden - I have a whole project to start a small vegetable/herb garden in raised beds together with M. Sensible, so I hope the weather next week will not be as bad as is currently forecast and we can work on it together while M. Gourmand is at the sitter.

Overall the week went okay but I do miss having some time for myself and today I yelled at the kids (mainly M. Sensible) a few times for no real reason - so I can't wait for hubby to come back (although some real me-time will have to wait until the school holidays are over).

The wedding

Can you imagine being on the plane to attend the wedding and thinking "well, at least I can visit my mom's grave while I'm there"? Ever since they announced it I'd be yo-yoing between going and not-going. I missed my sister (for whom it was just an impossible date - yes, we were both frustrated that we got the message that they wanted us to be there, but they didn't consult the date with those who live far away, i.e. us). The ceremony at city hall was very surreal. Luckily I could pretend to make sure my kids weren't tearing down the place so I didn't have to look at the bride and groom. I still cringe when my dad calls her 'honey' (well, he doesn't call her honey because they don't speak English to each other, but you get the idea). The little party at their house afterward was nice though. But I was still too busy with the kids / too tired / not interested to strike up a conversation with her two daughters (who will remain 'her daughters' to me, I will never ever call them my step-sisters, nor will I call her my step-mom. Luckily no-one expects me to either). I do like her. My kids adore her. I'm glad my dad has found happiness again. But this was not easy.

I visited my mom's grave the next day. Mr. Sensible had fallen asleep in the car so hubby stayed with him and I took M. Gourmand with me. He loved the little stones on my mom's grave - and on the grave next to  hers, and oh, there was a little jar on that grave where you could put all those stones into - and why am I not allowed to climb on the big family tombstones...?! (We'll see what kind of phase he's in next time I get a chance to visit).

We visited my maternal grandmother two days later. I had asked my dad to call her beforehand, because I didn't want to be the person who had to tell her, not did I want to lie about my reason for being in Holland, nor did I want M. Sensible be the one to tell her (my dad first thought that would actually be very convenient, if the innocent (great)grandchild would give it away, but luckily he came to his senses and realized that it would still have to be him to make the call).

Of course my grandma didn't take it very well. My dad used to be her favorite son-in-law. Ever since he has a new relationship he has become an outcast. They both don't do well in trying to improve that situation. But for the first time since my mom died hubby and I had an honest conversation with her. She is suddenly bringing the stillborn child into the story (whom she never ever mentioned when my mom was still alive!), blaming my dad for not taking my mom to the grave, apparently looking for past flaws in my dad's behavior... I don't expect her to change, she is 95 and grieving her daughter, but it is such a shame. She has seen so much in her lifetime, but her judgments can be brutal.

This week I've been home with the kids (school holidays and the sitter is on vacation too). Emotions and missed naps during our stay in Holland have resulted in the theme of this staycation being sleep. So I have a lot of catching up to do in the blogging world. I'll get back into gear soon.

April revisited

This is the second time I'm participating in Time Warp Tuesday, hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed and this month's topic is "April".  Kathy writes:

April represents the beginning of the second quarter of each New Year, it is filled with rainy days and all things blooming. Some years Easter and Passover fall in April, bringing forth important and special events in many faith traditions. Choose a post from your archives that you wrote during the month of April. It can be about any thing or topic that speaks to you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

I had several posts to choose from, but ultimately selected one from two years ago, called Random Thoughts, because it really has a connection with where I am now. It was about a month before the FET with our lonely frosty and I was a bit pessimistic about it all. I wrote:

We only have one embryo frozen, how big is the chance it won't thaw properly? It's the same Grade A excellent quality as one of the embies that was transferred for IVF#2 - which didn't make it. So why should I believe its frozen brother or sister will have a better chance?

Well, turns out our little frosty did have a better chance than his two fresh siblings! He thawed properly, he nested comfortably in my uterus and stayed there until he was fully finished and ready to see the world. M. Gourmand completes our little family and makes me look at the bright side of things - and if his hands are cold I sometimes joke that it is because he was frozen for his first three months...

Spring Shed - Week 1-3

After completing the 10 weeks of Winter Shed, I happily said yes to Kathy when she asked me if I wanted to continue on with a Spring Shed (the full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here). Well, what a way to join a good resolutions series by being two weeks too late! You'd think that only a change of name wouldn't wreak so much havoc in the routine I had built up with the weekly Winter Shed posts, but apparently it did...

Anyway, it doesn't matter - I took a sprint and am back on the wagon (and actually, I didn't really fall off, I kept my resolutions, I just didn't report them here).

The reason I didn't post anything last Friday was because I went on a 2-day trip to Spain with my sister (who came over from California just to spend some time with me!). It was wonderful! Two days of quality time with my sister, without kids, without obligations. We went to see a concert of Bach's St Matthew's Passion by an ensemble we both admire. The work is very dear to our hearts as well for several reasons: in Holland it is a real tradition to perform this during Holy Week. From well-know professional ensembles to the local choir, every city will have at least one St Matthew's Passion performance the week before Easter. My mom used to sing in a Bach choir when we were kids, and my sister now does the same, and we listened to it often at home as well, so we basically all know it by heart. It was very special to attend the concert (and also a bit emotional - I had tears streaming down my face during my favorite aria (performed by my favorite Bach interpreter) "Mache dich mein Herze rein", as images of washing my mother's body after she died played in my head - if you don't know it, you can listen to it here). It was even more special being in this Spanish city during Holy Week, with the famous processions (we missed the ones at nighttime because we were at the concert hall, but the daytime ones were quite impressive too). The concert ended at midnight and we went out for tapas afterwards, yum (and yawn too)!

The next day we had a late flight back home, but it was delayed and we were afraid it would be cancelled because there were only five passengers... Then the captain told us there was thick fog at the destination and an airplane had veered off the runway so the airport was closed, but we would take off anyway, hoping it would be open again once we would be there... And oh sorry, there's a technical problem with our plane so we're going back to the gate. The technical problem was quickly solved but the fog was still there. If it wouldn't have lifted by the time we would ben there, we would turn around because all airports nearby had the same problem. I had a bit the feeling this was a bad April Fools joke, and just hoped it would be allright. It was. It was still quite foggy, but luckily there was enough visibility to land. When my head finally hit my pillow at home it was 3 am. The kids were overjoyed at 6:30 am to find out that I was back home...

My sister flew back to the US the next day and had to take a 5:50 am train to the airport. Only daylight savings time started last weekend here in Europe, so we had the feeling it was one our earlier. Hubby had to take the same train the next day to leave on a business trip. I was so tired I felt like I was stuck in a continuous jetlag. Then when I finally started feeling normal again, M. Gourmand came down with a fever. Two days between 39.2 and 39.6 degrees Celsius... Called our doctor but she was on vacation... Found another one who could see us this morning: poor baby has a double ear infection, so is now on antibiotics (and he hates it! - but it does make him feel better). He already had pink eye when I came back from Spain, and a severe nose cold, so the boy is one snotty mess. And of course I now have pink eye too...

It feels appropriate to end this post now by saying that because of all this I didn't get anything done regarding my Spring Shed resolutions and I'll see you all next week, but... after finishing the Winter Shed series I had decided that for the Spring Shed I wanted to do it a bit differently. The reason I joined the Winter Shed is because I wanted to get out of what I call "mommy mode", i.e. only doing stuff that is related to me being a mother. But then I started listing things like reading more novels, follow the news, get my website up etc, and that was good, but they were mainly tools in my effort to get out of "mommy mode". So for the Spring Shed, my only goal is to keep finding things to not falling into complete mommy mode again (because I do think the Winter Shed accountability helped me get out of mommy mode) and so my weekly report will be on what I did to make that happen (or what I didn't do and why I fell back into mommy mode), whether that be reading more, getting more paid work, blogging more frequently etc.

So without further ado, here's a recap of what I did during my Spring Shed Week 1 to 3 to stick to my goal to not falling back into complete mommy mode:

1. I completed my translation assignment in the first half of week 1 and did some final proofreading the following week.
2. I also completed my web intelligence assignment - I felt a bit awkward the way I reported during the last two days, because it was when I was in Spain and I didn't have internet access all the time - the client called me when I was watching the Holy Thursday Procession and I had to rush back to the hotel (where I had WiFi) to check something I had missed earlier that day, but I still got a very kind email from the client that they were very happy with me and wouldn't hesitate to work with me again, so that was nice.
3. I also got a request to quote for another, pretty small, translation job from the first client, so new projects are already coming in, which is good! 
4. The biggest getting out of mommy mode thing for the past three weeks was of course the trip with my sister, which was absolutely amazing!
5. Mainly because of this trip (and of getting back into full mommy mode because of sick M. Gourmand) I didn't blog and read as much as I would have liked to (and I do want to write the next installment of my Cultural Differences series!), but that is what it is, and I'm sure I'll pick it up again.

Pilgrimage

Today would have been my mother's 67th birthday. As I couldn't visit her grave - 900 km from where we live - I went on a little pilgrimage with hubby and kids in tow.

It was Valery, who asked in a comment one this post if there wasn't a special place nearby to remember her. I couldn't immediately think of anything, but I kept the comment in the back of my mind. Then a while ago I knew exactly what I wanted to do once my mom's birthday would come around: when I was pregnant with M. Sensible, my parents came over to visit and my mom asked me if I wanted to join her on a walk to the basilica, because she wanted to light a candle, to give thanks and ask for a blessing for this pregnancy. I happily obliged and we made a beautiful little pilgrimage together, first crossing the river to the old part of town, then climbing the hundreds of steps, up to the top of the hill where the basilica lies, overlooking the city.

Today, M. Sensible, our dapper 3.5 year old, walked those steps all by himself, holding his daddy's hand. M. Gourmand was on my back in the baby carrier, and my mother was there too, her spirit accompanying me to the top.

After the first long set of steps, we came across this writing on a wall. I thought it was quite fitting on a day like this.

English translation:
Don't ask anyone your way,
especially not those who know it.
You wouldn't be able to get lost anymore.

When we arrived at the basilica, mass was still in progress and it being Palm Sunday, the church was packed. We quietly stood in the back for a few minutes and then I lit a candle for my mum, before heading out again.

On the way back home (this time via public transport) we stopped by the bakery to buy a cake, which we'll eat later today.

Sunday Child lucky charm

I remember when Kathy introduced the Time Warp Tuesday blog hop for the first time, I commented on her post saying that I would definitely participate. I just checked on her blog, that was September 2011… Well, better late than never, so here's my first Time Warp Tuesday post! This month's topic is luck.

I wrote about luck in January 2009 when I was pregnant with M. Sensible, it's a pretty dark post, talking about the lost charm of being a "Sunday Child" and my frustration about not being able to find work here in France.

What I wrote about there can on occasion still frustrate me, but I've come a lot further. I stopped moaning about my lost career and have accepted that I'm just in a different place now, where I try to juggle being a mom and doing freelance work (there is a post about that brewing in my head too). Above all, that post is only talking about my professional life. Granted, even though I was pregnant when I wrote it I didn't have kids yet, so there didn't seem to be much else as important in life as a career. I now know that I'm happiest when I've found a good balance between taking care of my kids and doing work I like. This is not at all easy, but I've come to realize that I'm a lot more relaxed when I savor what I have than when I constantly strive for things that might stay out of my reach (wow, that Positive Psychology workshop I followed last year did help!).

Coming back to the other part of that post, of whether I've found my lucky charm again… Yes I have. That pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby and a now thriving preschooler, who also has a little brother who starts sharing (read: stealing) his toys. My professional life is still a bit "stay-at-home-mom doing some projects on the side" (as hubby labeled my activity recently) but that's okay. I've also had some luck with finding lost items again, the best story is this: my iPhone fell out of my pocket on a high way rest area last summer when we were on our way back from Holland - I noticed it about 40 km later… It was a toll road so we took the next exit and the people at the toll booth contacted the people near the rest area (which was at the entrance of the toll road) while hubby kept calling my number… After about 20 minutes the toll booth person picked up - a high schooler had found it, wanted to keep it but a trucker had told him/her to hand it in (so we turned around, paid a lot of toll that day and came home very late, but at least I didn't have to buy a new phone!).

Winter Shed: Week Eight

Another week has passed and I'm finally able to post my Winter Shed update on Friday again! The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here. 

This week was a mixed week in terms of workload. Until Tuesday I was still busy with the translation job, as the laid-out text needed to be proofread one more time before it went to the printer. It's amazing how many small errors we still found! I hope they were all incorporated because I didn't see the final corrected version before it was sent to the printer. Then on Wednesday I had some lovely quality time with M. Sensible (good for a Perfect Moment Monday post!), Thursday I had lunch with a friend and on the way back stopped by the communication agency's office (i.e. my client for the translation job) to finally meet my contact in person and talk a bit about the third document and the financial compensation. Today was a lazy day spent at home with my two boys. We all took very long naps!

Now to report on how I did during week eight:

1. Read more novels.

I started reading the new French novel and made it to page 26, so there is some progress there. I think with next week being more relaxed I should be able to finish it (it's only 103 pages thick and a pretty easy read).

2. Follow the news more.

Hmmm.... this is still not going well. Hopefully by next week I will have found a way to incorporate this into my daily routine again.

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

After visiting the client yesterday I got another idea for a topic for the Cultural Differences series, so now I really want to start it! I think I will try to get the first post up next week, even if I won't be able to submit it to LFCA until the following Monday. I just have to jump!

4. Get my professional website up and running.

I didn't do anything yet with the ideas I had last week. However I found a few more funny automatic translations online that I like to use on my website as a reason for using professional translation services (one was at a Spanish website where I got this as a confirmation message after having ordered concert tickets: "Congratulations! Youtube hav made the parchase of imput correctly, Youtube wil shortly recibe email with tour ticket"), so at least the ideas keep coming. 

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

I completed last week's translation by proofreading it in it's final layout and went to see the client yesterday. I now have the text for the translation of the third document, which doesn't have a fixed deadline yet (my client's client is too busy preparing for the trade show in mid-March for which they needed the other brochure) but we're aiming for the third week of March. Is half the size of the previous document, so should be doable. She thanked me for not throwing in the towel halfway (hey, I would never do that!). We also talked a bit about finances. They're OK with the initial price I quoted (I didn't even have to try to convince them) and I can also bill them for the extra hours spent on proofreading and getting the two translations streamlined into one final document. So I'm really happy that they've seen the value of my work and didn't try to cut costs.

I had planned to send in the quote for the Dutch to French translation request, but haven't done so yet, which I'm not very happy about because I think it's not very professional to keep a potential client waiting too long. I did calculate how much time I think I would need for it, so all the basic information is ready, I just need to formulate it into a decent quote (but after all the stress of the last two weeks I couldn't put my mind to it when the other project was finally done).

Today was the first day of my '007' assignment. It was a good thing I had set a reminder on my phone (even if there is no news I have to send the client an email at 5 pm) because otherwise I would have completely forgotten it! I must admit that I didn't do an active search, but relied on my Google Alerts and there were none. I'll get more serious about it starting Monday! ;-)

6. Start playing the cello again.

I'm strongly contemplating removing this from my list, even though I'd like to start playing again, but I have no idea how to add it to my weekly schedule at the moment.

Winter Shed: Week Five

It's Friday, which means it's time for another Winter Shed post! The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here.

I feel I just want to crawl in a little hole and come back out when it's nice and warm and my kids are grown up. The weekend started great but that changed quickly: M. Sensible came down with the flu and M. Gourmand with a conjunctivitis. On top of that, hubby said he wasn't feeling great either. So on Monday no extra time for me to work because M. Sensible could have stayed at school for lunch, but sickbay at home caring for both boys. Same story on Tuesday. On Wednesday everyone was doing better but no school on Wednesdays in France, so I had M. Sensible at home. Luckily the sitter could take M. Gourmand (even though normally I have both kids home on Wednesdays), so I could get some work done. However I still hadn't received anything and the February 18 deadline was still standing! On Thursday I brought M. Sensible to school only to find out that his teacher wasn't there and they didn't have a replacement. If it would be possible, they'd appreciate it if I could keep my child with me, otherwise the class would be split over the other classes. I took him home after we dropped M. Gourmand off at the sitter. The poor little fella was still suffering from his conjunctivitis - every morning he would wake up with big crusts on his eye lashes and trying to clean his eyes, let alone administer the eye drops was a twice daily struggle. The skin under his eyes looked almost worse than the eyes themselves, completely red and raw from all the cleaning. He even refused to lay down on the changing table (still does, even if I just want to change his diaper), screaming as if I'm about to torture him, and I had to put all my weight on his little body to try to keep him to lie still. And of course, because we share everything, since yesterday evening I now also have an infected eye...

On top of that, when I picked him up at the sitter's yesterday she told me he now also has a stomach flu. I'm not completely convinced though, the way he's chewing on my chopping boards and everything else he can get in his mouth (my shoulder, for example), makes me hope the weird poop is caused by emerging teeth. But I've been wrong before...

Yesterday evening I got a little respite from everything during dinner with a few girlfriends, which was great, but they got me a little anxious when they asked me if our school would be closed too coming Tuesday because of a teacher strike. Hubby dropped M. Sensible off this morning while I brought M. Gourmand to the sitter and this is what he emailed me:

A note from M. Sensible's teacher: "I will be on strike Tuesday, February 12,
you will receive a document (explanation) shortly."

So yeah, no school on Tuesday... The strike is about the changes the government wants to make to the school week. Currently Wednesday is a school free day, but the government wants to change that and also have classes on Wednesday mornings. The teachers don't have a problem with that, but with the way the government decided on the changes without consulting teachers, PTAs etc, and giving no solutions for a number of other issues.

This is why I just want to crawl in my little hole and not come out until life is a little less complicated. 

Now to report on how I did during week five:

1. Read more novels.

I made a nice little dent in the 500-page Dutch novel I'm reading at the moment. Mostly in the evening and a little bit during nap time, when I didn't want to take a nap myself because I wanted to be 'on alert' in case my client would send me the texts to translate (oh, I could have slept... see under #5).

2. Follow the news more.

Shall we just skip this item...?

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

Two published post this week, a short one explaining my sons' new blog names and this one. I wrote a first draft for an introductory text for my Cultural Differences series, but am not completely satisfied with it yet, so the launch will not be for right away, but it's getting a bit more concrete already.

4. Get my professional website up and running.

Well, now that I think about it I could have worked on this while waiting for my client to send me the documents to translate (more on that under #5). So if I still don't have work by Monday I might do this.

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

I should be over my head in the translation job right now, but I still haven't received the texts! This whole project is really getting ridiculous and I'm almost at a point where I'll call them and tell them to forget it. I spoke to their project manager on Tuesday and we agreed that one of the three documents would be translated by someone else, because there would be just no way for me to be able to finish everything in such a short amount of time. The text for the other document would come the next day and the third document had been postponed to Mid-March. Ok, fine. Come Wednesday, no text. So I call again Thursday morning. No answer. So I send an email, demanding clarity. She left a voicemail that she wasn't able to answer all my questions right away, but she would surely do so tomorrow. Which is now. It's past 6:30 pm and I still haven't heard from her...

6. Start playing the cello again.

Skip please! 

However, on another musical note, we bought a 1/4 violin for M. Sensible on eBay - it's still a bit too big (we should have bought a 1/8 size, but oh well, he will grow into this one). No violin lessons for the moment as it seems that the Suzuki classes (which are the only ones who take kids as young as three years old) don't take on new students halfway through the school year. That's ok though, he can get acquainted with it and we can sign him up after the summer.

The boys get their blog names

Now that I've been writing a bit more regularly again I find it annoying to keep referring to my two boys as either "the preschooler" / "the eldest" and "the baby" / "the youngest" so, since I still don't want to use their real names here, I decided to come up with names I could use on this blog and that would be more or less accurate descriptions of them.

So please meet

Monsieur Sensible
(pronunciation and meaning in French, i.e. Mr. Sensitive in English)

M. Sensible is 3.5 years old, goes to (pre)school and won't be easily tricked. He's curious and sweet, but also a very sensitive boy. His balance can be easily disturbed if he's in a new situation, with foreign people, or if he's tired or not feeling well. He can wrap his mommy around his finger but also make her pull out her hair!

and

Monsieur Gourmand
(i.e. Mr. Glutton)

M. Gourmand is one year old and almost always in a good mood. He'll be smiling even when he's sick.  He likes to eat all the time and he'll eat everything! He'll only refuse food when he's really really sick or when his emerging teeth are causing him too much pain.

Winter Shed: Week Four

Another week has passed, so time again for a Winter Shed post! The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here.

It was a pretty tiring week as our eldest son (now 3.5 years old) had a few very restless nights, including nightmares, bed wetting (although more PJ wetting, the bed was still OK), and hysterical crying. Apart from having a sore throat and a stuffed nose, there was nothing wrong with him, so I'm not sure what he was dealing with, but it seems to have passed, as the last two nights have been much better. Of course to keep mommy on her toes the youngest (1 year) decided to wake up screaming a few times last night - also major stuffed nose and I suspect an imminent appearance of tooth #8 to make his life (and mine) miserable. Apart from that it I was in preparation mode for the big work project to start - getting organized and cleaning the apartment.

Now to report on how I did during week four:

1. Read more novels.

I finally finished the French novel - I think from start to finish it took me more than a year, oops! - and I immediately started another one which I finished the next day (okay, it was only 133 pages, so not such a big deal). After a one-day break I picked up a thick Dutch novel that my husband gave me last year which should keep me busy reading for a while.

2. Follow the news more.

Well... I still haven't found a way to make this happen. Listening to the radio during breakfast would probably be the best solution as the evening news on TV is smack in the middle of trying to get the kids to bed and reading the New Yorker again still hasn't happened either, as for the moment I prefer to spend the rare spare time reading novels than getting depressed by extended reports on world events, even if they are very well written...

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

Still blogging - two blog hop posts this week, Perfect Moment Monday and this one. I'm happy to say I also commented on almost all the other PMM participants posts. Ideas for the Cultural Differences series are brewing in my head and I would love to get it started by next week, but I also want to announce it on LFCA, which means I need to submit it this weekend at the latest and I'm not sure I will have a first post all thought out by then. I'm also not too sure about the frequency. I want to make it a regular feature, but I think if I do it once a week I will soon run out of topics. So a monthly series? Or should I just hope it attracts enough readers and they will suggest new topics if I ask for it? Most of the topics I have in my head right now are parenting related, as I'm obviously in the midst of that myself and it is also by reading other blogs that I figure out some things are done very differently from one country to another, but it might be too much of a turn-off for those reading LFCA and still battling infertility... Anyway, those are some of the reasons why I'm procrastinating with this project. Any comments and/or suggestions are welcome! 

4. Get my professional website up and running.

I don't think I will give this any time and energy before the project under #5 is finished sometime in mid-March.

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

All focus here is still on the big project I wrote about last week. They asked me for a price quote which I gave last Friday - I think it's more of a formality and it's unlikely they will come back to me saying no, but I did increase my price since last year and I haven't heard from them in a week, which does make me a little bit nervous... However the project manager said they probably wouldn't have the texts (it's a translation job) before the middle or end of this week, so we should still be good, but I did send an email this morning to ask where things stand (and also to let them know we can talk about the price, if need be), just to be sure.

Update: I got a mail back. They want me to stick to my old price but have brought the deadline forward to February 18 (!) and I will not get the texts before the middle of next week.... I've no idea how I'm going to do this. I'll take the weekend to think about it and will talk to them on Monday.

The school granted me an extra day a week at the school restaurant for my son, so that is great! Things are still a bit uncertain regarding the upcoming school holidays though, as one center that offers day camp was already completely booked. I have a registration appointment on February 11 with another one, but they couldn't say anything yet about availabilities - only that they have 16 spots. So we'll see.

6. Start playing the cello again.

This has been put off until at least after the above-mentioned project is over. If I happen to open the case and tune the instrument before, that's a plus!

Perfect Moment Monday: Baristas

My husband likes a good coffee. A very good coffee. He has a kick-ass espresso machine, a grinder, and even a coffee roaster (and green beans), because, of course, fresh roasted coffee is the best. He will not walk into a Starbucks for a coffee. Because ever since they changed from real espresso machines to the full-automatic ones and their personnel are no longer fully trained baristas, but just people who can push a button and burn the milk (his words). He does however miss the great coffee shop with real baristas (who would win barista championships) that we had in the US city where we used to live. He finds the coffee in most French cafés and restaurants too bitter...

At home, he used to be alone in his coffee passion. I like to drink tea...

But since about a year and a half, he has found a new partner in crime: our 3.5 year old son is being trained to be the new barista world champion (and truth be told, if hubby is not around and someone would come over and would like a coffee, I think my son would make a better cup than me!).

The coffee-making usually only happens on the weekends, and the Perfect Moment came to me on a recent Sunday. I had just put our youngest son down for his morning nap and was in the bathroom about to enjoy a long shower, when I heard my husband and son in the kitchen, preparing to make some coffee. Our son asked lots of (sometimes even technical) questions, and hubby explained everything patiently. It was such a joy to listen to these two guys, enjoying their weekend morning ritual of making a good cup of coffee together.

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

The bracelet - the one she never got to meet

This is the fourth and last post about my mother's bracelet. You can find the other ones here, here and here.

Today we celebrate my youngest son's first birthday. He was born 14 months after my mother died, so she wasn't there anymore to see me pregnant for the second time, to hold her fourth grandchild in her arms, or to have his coin touch her arm on a daily basis. She did know, however, that we wanted to try for another child, and it was a thought that made her happy, even though she knew she would probably not meet that child (at least not in this life).

When gearing up for another round of IVF in our quest for baby #2, my mom's situation got a lot worse. Being in a different country and not able to see her every day, it was hard for me to know how bad it really was. So I started suppression. Just before I was to start stimulation I got a very emotional call from my parents. I knew she was doing a lot worse than before, but my dad said it was really really bad. They were still going on a river cruise organized for sick and disabled people, but, he told me, after that she wanted it to be over. I couldn't believe it, it was so hard. I didn't quite know what "she wants it to be over" would entail, but I knew it would not go hand in hand with our IVF schedule. I told my dad, I asked him if he thought she could hang in there a bit longer. He handed the phone to my mom. I explained my situation to her (it seems so selfish now), asked her if she thought she could wait. We were both crying. She answered that life had become so unbearably hard for her, she didn't think she could do it. I went into denial. Four days after starting stimming, when at my mom's side in Holland, I came to my senses and we canceled our cycle. Three days later my mom died.

We tried again a few months later. It was a BFN. I felt very down. But luckily we had one frozen embryo left from this cycle, with which we did a FET in early May 2011. And now our son is one year old.

I cannot share my son's milestones or funny things that happened with my mother anymore. But somehow I choose to believe that she knows him. As the months since her passing went by, I was looking for that bird, or ray of sunshine, or some other sign that would tell me my mom was somehow still there with me. But I had the feeling there was nothing. Until I realized that if there was somewhere I could find my mother's spirit, it was in my baby's eyes. This boy, so calm, so happy, has something of her in him (even though everyone keeps telling me he looks so much like his dad).

My dad decided to add a coin for him to the bracelet. It is complete now.

The bracelet - 39

After this post and this one, another (overdue) post about my mother's bracelet. It should have been posted exactly a month ago, on December 16, 2012 - the day I turned 39! I don't really have an excuse, I wasn't too much caught up in celebrations - hubby was away on business, so I was alone with the kids. Early in the morning it seemed that the oldest was getting a stomach flu, but the idea of baking a chocolate birthday cake with mommy was apparently the best remedy, because all of his symptoms were suddenly gone!

I was born during the oil crisis and the Dutch government had decided to hold a few "car free Sundays". My mom's labor started in the early hours of such a Sunday. Before they headed to the hospital my dad called the police to ask for a 'laissez passer', which he easily got. He later told me he had hoped for a police escort, haha!

I imagine my birth being the best early Christmas present my parents got. They now had two healthy girls. They were in a new city, no longer tied to the hospital (and the nasty OB/GYN) where she delivered her first two children. Of course her new OB was aware of her history and my mom told me once that he had come to her (I think just after she'd given birth to me) to tell her they were able to deliver a live baby after a woman had come in with the same issue my mom had had with her firstborn (abruptio placenta). What she must have gone through hearing that news, I have no idea. I guess it was a good thing she had a healthy newborn in her arms herself.

My mom with me, 2 or 3 days old.

This was my third birthday without my mom. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it.

Perfect Moment Monday - skiing with my son

Before Lori closes the list for the December 31st Perfect Moment Monday later today, here's my entry - still on a Monday, only two weeks too late...

I consulted the notes app on my phone to check which moment I'd choose to be my most perfect moment of the month (since last month I forgot what I actually wanted to write about and thus had to think of something else I decided I would make a note as soon as I'd notice a perfect moment). There were four moments I'd written down, all great, but the one I really want to write about I didn't note, but I didn't forget it either...

The first week of the Christmas break we went to the mountains for a week of skiing and other snow fun. I'd signed up our 3-year old for a 6-day initiation ski-class, every morning from 9:15 until 11:30. We had talked about it and he was excited, although he kept saying he wanted to go skiing with me. I explained that we could do that in the afternoons, but that he would have to learn how to ski from a real ski instructor. The first morning we were both nervous, the festive atmosphere of anticipation in the car and at the ski rental place quickly changed when he was signed in for class, was told to stand in line behind the other kids and realized that mommy and daddy were not going to stay. He started crying and screaming - I let the instructors deal with it first, but they quickly gave up and just left him standing, while taking the next kid in line. So I went in and tried to calm him down. Almost impossible. After about half an hour we left anyway, hoping he would calm down and join the other kids. So with heavy hearts we went for a coffee and came back about 45 minutes later, only to see that he had indeed calmed down, but had taken off his skis and was just playing by himself in the snow. The instructors only talked to him when we was throwing snow balls at them or the other kids... So cursing the instructors under my breath for not being a bit more persistent in trying to get him to join the others, plus not trying to give him some self confidence (once they'd signed him in they just told him to get in line. Not one of the instructors introduced him-/herself to the kids, nor did they explain to them what they were going to do), I stepped in again, got his skis on, and took him by the hand, up the little hill (on a sort of carpet), and then hands on the knees going down. It went OK, he smiled again, and was willing to do another round. The head instructor told me to get out. I did. Our son later started crying again because he wanted to take the little rope lift but he was not allowed. Luckily the class was over five minutes later...

I wondered if should cancel the ski class and just teach him myself, but I also remember that I never liked skiing lessons when I was a kid, but now I love skiing, so we probably just had to go through it. Luckily the rest of the week went much better (we also learned to just give him a big kiss and take off immediately, even though I would have loved to watch him in class, it was better not to stay) and he did learn the very first skiing basics. We went skiing together two afternoons - first I took him between my legs, holding him under his arms, but that was too easy for him: he would just hang in my arms and not stand on his skis at all... So we changed it to having him next to me and both holding on to one of my ski poles. This worked perfectly! Of course we only took very easy slopes, but even then we sometimes picked up a little speed. He would talk to me and it would go something like this (of course not in English, but in Dutch and/or French): "go faster mommy! Oh I'm scared! Yay that was fun! Hahaha! Again!". There are people who complain that when going on a ski vacation with young kids will not allow you to really ski yourself, so they try to get there kids in ski class + daycare at the ski resort. I don't judge that, I sneaked out one afternoon as well to go skiing with a friend while hubby watched the (napping) kids, but the giggles I heard next to me when skiing with my son were equally, if not more rewarding than a perfect adrenaline-filled downhill run. I feel blessed that I now have children I can share my love for skiing with and think back with fond memories of the times I went skiing with my dad (my mom was afraid of heights and stayed away from the slopes, she preferred cross country skiing). It was a true Perfect Moment of which I hope there will be a few more this winter and the years to come.

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

The bracelet - three firstborns

As a follow-up of this post, I had planned to post this in July, but then so many things got in the way that it was never finished and kept in my drafts folder way too long.

July used to be a sad month for my mother, as it holds the day she gave birth to her firstborn, a stillborn son.

But then, 33 years later, my sister made it a bit brighter month, by giving birth to her firstborn, a healthy boy, on July 5th. My parents had planned to arrive in time for the birth (my sister lives in California, my parents in Holland), but as the boy decided to come earlier than the due date, they were too late. At the time I was still living in the US, so I flew to California to help out the first few days, until my parents arrived. We then spent some time all together (my husband also came over in the weekend), which was pretty special (and perhaps a bit overwhelming for my sister as well). My parents were as proud and happy as grandparents can be.

My nephew turned 10 this summer. We took him rock climbing as a birthday present when the whole family came to France in August.

Another seven years later (thank you IF...) another firstborn was expected. Mine. It would be my parents' third grandchild. My mother, always anxious the last few weeks before a due date, wanted to be around again, even though I thought we had agreed they would not come before the baby's arrival as per our wishes... But her restlessness was too strong, so they came on the due date itself, only the baby decided it would stay put for another 10 days... It caused a lot of stress, even anger on DH's part, that took a long time to settle. I wrote a little bit about it here. But there was a lot of joy too. His coin on the bracelet is bigger than that of the other grandchildren, because they jeweler didn't have the smaller size in stock at the time, but my mom told me he also deserved it, the much wanted child... This miracle boy turned three on July 6th, yes just one day after his cousin (and if you would keep the Pacific time zone, they were born on the same day). We celebrated it at the beach in Holland.

Before she died, my mom told me July had now turned from a dark to a happy month for her, celebrating the birthdays of her two grandsons.

The heart on the bracelet belongs to her own firstborn, my brother, born still on July 23rd. I wrote about it here. I wish I could have talked more about it with my mom, especially after I'd become a mother myself. After she died, my dad decided he wanted their son's name engraved on her tombstone as well - he was torn that he hadn't thought of it before she died, and he hadn't been able to share it with her. I don't think it matters, I think somehow she knows it anyway, and it feels good to see those two names together, engraved in the glass, especially now that my dad has a new partner and will most likely not be buried next to my mom when his time comes. It somehow feels she's less alone.