So yesterday we had our first appointment for IVF #2. The clinic had moved since we'd last been there in 2008, so it was all a bit new to us. We had expected a waiting time of at least 30 minutes, but it seemed like our RE is going through some meager times (or it was just a slow day yesterday), because we were seen almost immediately and his cell phone didn't ring either during the consult (which was always the case last time around, very annoying).
There are some tests to be redone (blood work for both of us, sperm for hubby, and pap for me, but luckily I have one scheduled two weeks from now with my OBGYN, so I don't have to do that at the lab like last time) and then we have another appointment in about a month (mandatory reflection time + time to get all the tests done and fill in the paperwork) and then we should be good to go at the end of October.
Of course we hope this time around will be as successful as last time, but to me it seems there is some extra pressure. My mom's cancer turned out much worse than initially thought: it has spread to her brain, so the prognosis is quite bleak (survival rate somewhere between two months and two years - for the moment she's doing ok and in fighting spirit). I hope she'll be able to hold another grandchild - our second child. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but it would be such a wonderful gift, to all of us.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Here we go again
Well, of course there were friends, family, and my GP all saying that probably, for #2 it would all go the natural way. My body would now know what to do. Yeah, maybe, but so far it's not working and I don't want to wait (read: waste) another year or two. So I called the fertility clinic. Appointment's set for September 22nd.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Pieces of the puzzle...
Two recent "Thoughtful Thursday" questions made me think and gave me reason for not just commenting on the posts but writing a bit more here on my own blog.
The first one is related to the TT from May 21, 2010 - which made me wonder if my infertility is a stand-alone thing or if there is a genetic link somewhere. There are two instances of known infertility in my family - my aunt didn't have any children because her husband had a fertility problem (and their marriage wasn't strong enough to endure the treatments) - but there is no blood connection between him and me, so that doesn't count. Then my maternal uncle and his wife were never able to conceive, but they never went to the doctor to find out why, so I don't know where the problem was for them. My dad and his siblings are all five years apart, which could be an indication of fertility problems, but I've never asked my paternal grandmother and don't think I will (as it's pretty impossible to talk about anything except the weather with her).
I know that I have some similarities in the woman's department with my maternal grandmother: we both experience(d) very painful menstruation cramps and carry our babies (well, I've only had one, so no idea if it would be the same for a second one) well past term, almost to 10 months. However, she had four children in a row (between 14 and 28 months apart), so she didn't seem to have any fertility problems. My parents' first child was stillborn and my mom had a miscarriage after that (probably because she got pregnant too soon after the first one - the only thing the stupid OBGYN had said to her was "I hope you'll get pregnant again very soon". So she did, and when she miscarried he scolded her for getting pregnant so soon...). My sister was TTCing for about two years before getting pregnant, which ended in a missed miscarriage. She then got pregnant about six months later and now has two beautiful children.
So... no definite clues for infertility problems, but there is a history of problems later in life with the reproductive organs on my mom's side of the family. Both her sisters had their uterus removed around the time of menopause (I don't know the exact reasons, but I think it was a bit of a 'better safe than sorry approach'). I think my grandma had something similar. My mom had polyps removed about 10 years ago and oh, I wish they had removed her uterus as well back then, because she has recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer, which has spread to the cervix and the surrounding lymph nodes. She is currently recovering from surgery where they removed everything and will have radiation therapy in a couple of weeks. We don't know what the future will bring.
When I consulted Dr Google just after her diagnosis, I found a list of 'possible causes' for this cancer. One of them is infertility... Which leads me to the other TT from April 29, 2010 that deals with possible future problems related to infertility (treatment). This made me wonder if every women on my mom's side of our family has to deal with some problems related to our reproductive organs at one point in life, and mine happens to be infertility, or if I should expect to be a future endometrial cancer candidate because of my infertility history. Of course I don't have the answer to this question, but it seems like some pieces of the puzzle are coming together, no idea what the final shape will be though. Time will probably tell.
The first one is related to the TT from May 21, 2010 - which made me wonder if my infertility is a stand-alone thing or if there is a genetic link somewhere. There are two instances of known infertility in my family - my aunt didn't have any children because her husband had a fertility problem (and their marriage wasn't strong enough to endure the treatments) - but there is no blood connection between him and me, so that doesn't count. Then my maternal uncle and his wife were never able to conceive, but they never went to the doctor to find out why, so I don't know where the problem was for them. My dad and his siblings are all five years apart, which could be an indication of fertility problems, but I've never asked my paternal grandmother and don't think I will (as it's pretty impossible to talk about anything except the weather with her).
I know that I have some similarities in the woman's department with my maternal grandmother: we both experience(d) very painful menstruation cramps and carry our babies (well, I've only had one, so no idea if it would be the same for a second one) well past term, almost to 10 months. However, she had four children in a row (between 14 and 28 months apart), so she didn't seem to have any fertility problems. My parents' first child was stillborn and my mom had a miscarriage after that (probably because she got pregnant too soon after the first one - the only thing the stupid OBGYN had said to her was "I hope you'll get pregnant again very soon". So she did, and when she miscarried he scolded her for getting pregnant so soon...). My sister was TTCing for about two years before getting pregnant, which ended in a missed miscarriage. She then got pregnant about six months later and now has two beautiful children.
So... no definite clues for infertility problems, but there is a history of problems later in life with the reproductive organs on my mom's side of the family. Both her sisters had their uterus removed around the time of menopause (I don't know the exact reasons, but I think it was a bit of a 'better safe than sorry approach'). I think my grandma had something similar. My mom had polyps removed about 10 years ago and oh, I wish they had removed her uterus as well back then, because she has recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer, which has spread to the cervix and the surrounding lymph nodes. She is currently recovering from surgery where they removed everything and will have radiation therapy in a couple of weeks. We don't know what the future will bring.
When I consulted Dr Google just after her diagnosis, I found a list of 'possible causes' for this cancer. One of them is infertility... Which leads me to the other TT from April 29, 2010 that deals with possible future problems related to infertility (treatment). This made me wonder if every women on my mom's side of our family has to deal with some problems related to our reproductive organs at one point in life, and mine happens to be infertility, or if I should expect to be a future endometrial cancer candidate because of my infertility history. Of course I don't have the answer to this question, but it seems like some pieces of the puzzle are coming together, no idea what the final shape will be though. Time will probably tell.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Update on resolutions
Well, about time for a bit more optimistic post since my last one which was pretty depressing. I'm doing a lot better now and as for the resolutions - I've got most of them covered.
Have been seeing a psychoanalyst for the past month and a half, it's interesting, to say the least. Baby has been taking the bottle for about the same time. Coincidence? Not really - a friend was babysitting when I went to see the therapist and she asked me if she should try to give my son the bottle - I said 'sure, good luck' and didn't believe she would manage - but she did - the next day he didn't want it from me, but two days later he accepted it from hubs and has been taking it ever since. What a relief! Still nursed evenings and mornings for a few weeks, until he refused to take the breast in the evening, than just early mornings, followed with a bottle including cereal around (our) breakfast time. But I haven't nursed the past three days because he woke up pretty late, so I guess the breastfeeding period will soon be completely over. Even though I wanted it, it's still kind of a weird feeling.
I've been taking yoga classes again as well - but only when hubby is not away on a business trip, don't find it important enough yet to get a babysitter for. Music is also on the program again - I can put my son in the playpen and play while facing him. The first time he looked quite startled, but now he just continues playing, and sometimes starts 'singing' along! I've also sent a message to my fellow musicians that I'm ready to take up the trio again, but haven't had a response back yet, hmm... maybe eight months was too long of a wait for them?
None of the daycare centers around the neighborhood had a free spot for my son (as the French system is all about equality, you can't just 'buy' a spot at a good center if you would have the money for it) but as of May I have a spot for 2.5 days a week with a nanny (at her home, with a maximum of four kids at a time) who also takes care of our neighbor's 2-year old girl. So that will be great, because I had a small work project for the past two weeks and it was nearly impossible to do - only time I could work was during naps, a little playtime and in the evenings. Took me a week longer than I had hoped.
Have been seeing a psychoanalyst for the past month and a half, it's interesting, to say the least. Baby has been taking the bottle for about the same time. Coincidence? Not really - a friend was babysitting when I went to see the therapist and she asked me if she should try to give my son the bottle - I said 'sure, good luck' and didn't believe she would manage - but she did - the next day he didn't want it from me, but two days later he accepted it from hubs and has been taking it ever since. What a relief! Still nursed evenings and mornings for a few weeks, until he refused to take the breast in the evening, than just early mornings, followed with a bottle including cereal around (our) breakfast time. But I haven't nursed the past three days because he woke up pretty late, so I guess the breastfeeding period will soon be completely over. Even though I wanted it, it's still kind of a weird feeling.
I've been taking yoga classes again as well - but only when hubby is not away on a business trip, don't find it important enough yet to get a babysitter for. Music is also on the program again - I can put my son in the playpen and play while facing him. The first time he looked quite startled, but now he just continues playing, and sometimes starts 'singing' along! I've also sent a message to my fellow musicians that I'm ready to take up the trio again, but haven't had a response back yet, hmm... maybe eight months was too long of a wait for them?
None of the daycare centers around the neighborhood had a free spot for my son (as the French system is all about equality, you can't just 'buy' a spot at a good center if you would have the money for it) but as of May I have a spot for 2.5 days a week with a nanny (at her home, with a maximum of four kids at a time) who also takes care of our neighbor's 2-year old girl. So that will be great, because I had a small work project for the past two weeks and it was nearly impossible to do - only time I could work was during naps, a little playtime and in the evenings. Took me a week longer than I had hoped.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Year's Resolutions
So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.
So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:
1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing
#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.
I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.
So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.
I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.
So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:
1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing
#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.
I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.
So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
"Just relax"
Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.
So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?
I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).
The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...
Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.
So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?
I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).
The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...
Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
No more faith in the French legal system
A bit off topic, but I have to vent...
I met a very nice woman about two months ago at a meeting of the local version of La Leche League - she had 6-month old twins, who she had been breastfeeding since they were born.
We met again by chance a week later and then found out we lived really close to each other. So we met up a few times to go to the park with our babies. She then mentioned the relationship with her husband was not good, but didn't go into detail.
Last Saturday she called me and asked if she could come by. I sensed something was wrong. And I was right: a few days before her husband had come in with a court order and snatched the babies - who were still (exclusively) breastfed! - away from her, on some false accusations that she was mistreating them (and him).
This is now more than a week ago. She still has no idea where her children are. She calls her husband every day, but doesn't get many answers. In the meantime, the judge acknowledged that she made an error, but nothing can be done until a hearing next Tuesday (two weeks after the babies were taken from their mother).
I first thought she just had a bad lawyer - found her a good one - but that one says the same.
It's true that I don't know the full story, and I haven't known my friend that long, but long enough to know she's very friendly and a loving and caring mother to her twins. So wtf is this? How can it happen that babies are taken away from their mother just like that, without hearing both sides of the story? I thought a mother always had a stronger position than a father when it comes to child custody... I find this all very upsetting.
I met a very nice woman about two months ago at a meeting of the local version of La Leche League - she had 6-month old twins, who she had been breastfeeding since they were born.
We met again by chance a week later and then found out we lived really close to each other. So we met up a few times to go to the park with our babies. She then mentioned the relationship with her husband was not good, but didn't go into detail.
Last Saturday she called me and asked if she could come by. I sensed something was wrong. And I was right: a few days before her husband had come in with a court order and snatched the babies - who were still (exclusively) breastfed! - away from her, on some false accusations that she was mistreating them (and him).
This is now more than a week ago. She still has no idea where her children are. She calls her husband every day, but doesn't get many answers. In the meantime, the judge acknowledged that she made an error, but nothing can be done until a hearing next Tuesday (two weeks after the babies were taken from their mother).
I first thought she just had a bad lawyer - found her a good one - but that one says the same.
It's true that I don't know the full story, and I haven't known my friend that long, but long enough to know she's very friendly and a loving and caring mother to her twins. So wtf is this? How can it happen that babies are taken away from their mother just like that, without hearing both sides of the story? I thought a mother always had a stronger position than a father when it comes to child custody... I find this all very upsetting.
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