New Year's Resolutions

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

"Just relax"

Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.

So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?

I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).

The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...

Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.

No more faith in the French legal system

A bit off topic, but I have to vent...

I met a very nice woman about two months ago at a meeting of the local version of La Leche League - she had 6-month old twins, who she had been breastfeeding since they were born.
We met again by chance a week later and then found out we lived really close to each other. So we met up a few times to go to the park with our babies. She then mentioned the relationship with her husband was not good, but didn't go into detail.

Last Saturday she called me and asked if she could come by. I sensed something was wrong. And I was right: a few days before her husband had come in with a court order and snatched the babies - who were still (exclusively) breastfed! - away from her, on some false accusations that she was mistreating them (and him).

This is now more than a week ago. She still has no idea where her children are. She calls her husband every day, but doesn't get many answers. In the meantime, the judge acknowledged that she made an error, but nothing can be done until a hearing next Tuesday (two weeks after the babies were taken from their mother).

I first thought she just had a bad lawyer - found her a good one - but that one says the same.
It's true that I don't know the full story, and I haven't known my friend that long, but long enough to know she's very friendly and a loving and caring mother to her twins. So wtf is this? How can it happen that babies are taken away from their mother just like that, without hearing both sides of the story? I thought a mother always had a stronger position than a father when it comes to child custody... I find this all very upsetting.

IF mindset

The other day we had dinner with friends who have four kids. When we sat down at the table, the youngest girl said all excitedly "I'm sitting between the daddies!". I immediately thought, "well, yeah, but my hubby's not really a daddy", when I realized that he is! We are finally parents too! But I guess after all those empty years, there's some adjusting to do in my head...

Private blog for the little man

I finally got my act together and started a private blog with info and photos of our little man.

If you want in on it, please create a wordpress account and email it to lostintranslation73 [at] gmail [dot] com, together with some info about yourself (if you've never commented on my blog and I don't know you) and your blog URL, if you have one. If all's well, I will then grant you access and send you a link to the private blog.

As I'd like to keep this blog anonymous, please do not reference to it or to my user name here on the private blog!! Thanks!

Eulogy for my stillborn brother

I have a brother. He would have celebrated his 40th birthday today, but he was stillborn, so we never got to know him. My mother had him with her for almost nine months, felt his kicks, his hiccups, until one day those were gone. She called the doctor, a young and inexperienced replacement, who came and told her she shouldn't worry, he thought he still heard a heartbeat. About 10 days later she gave birth to a lifeless son - the medical personnel treated her like she was a stupid, ignorant woman. My dad was not allowed to be in the delivery room with her, they were not allowed to see the baby, to see if he resembled mommy or daddy, nobody had ever thought about memory boxes with foot or hand prints in those days... They were led to believe it was for the best they never saw him - that he had 'blown up' because he had taken in all the amniotic fluid.

My dad and granddad buried him while my mom was still in the hospital. She wanted to visit the grave later, but she was afraid to ask, they weren't supposed to talk about it anymore, so she never went. She didn't get to say goodbye...

They were supposed to forget - just get pregnant again and have another baby. Don't think about this one. But of course they didn't forget, they couldn't, the pain remained, even after my sister and I were born. They didn't talk much about it, I always used to forget the date, until I noticed one of them shed a tear or they gave each other an emotional hug and then I remembered...

Now that I have been pregnant myself and am blessed with a healthy baby boy, I will never ever forget my brother's birthday anymore. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for my mom, those 10 days without feeling any life, knowing something was so wrong, but the doctors not listening to you. My parents are going to the cemetery today, for the first time after 40 years, even though the grave is no longer there. And I'm so happy Carly honored my Names in the Sand request, it is good to see his name spelled out.

Trying to multi-task