The boys get their blog names

Now that I've been writing a bit more regularly again I find it annoying to keep referring to my two boys as either "the preschooler" / "the eldest" and "the baby" / "the youngest" so, since I still don't want to use their real names here, I decided to come up with names I could use on this blog and that would be more or less accurate descriptions of them.

So please meet

Monsieur Sensible
(pronunciation and meaning in French, i.e. Mr. Sensitive in English)

M. Sensible is 3.5 years old, goes to (pre)school and won't be easily tricked. He's curious and sweet, but also a very sensitive boy. His balance can be easily disturbed if he's in a new situation, with foreign people, or if he's tired or not feeling well. He can wrap his mommy around his finger but also make her pull out her hair!

and

Monsieur Gourmand
(i.e. Mr. Glutton)

M. Gourmand is one year old and almost always in a good mood. He'll be smiling even when he's sick.  He likes to eat all the time and he'll eat everything! He'll only refuse food when he's really really sick or when his emerging teeth are causing him too much pain.

Winter Shed: Week Four

Another week has passed, so time again for a Winter Shed post! The full back story of this blog hop hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed can be found here.

It was a pretty tiring week as our eldest son (now 3.5 years old) had a few very restless nights, including nightmares, bed wetting (although more PJ wetting, the bed was still OK), and hysterical crying. Apart from having a sore throat and a stuffed nose, there was nothing wrong with him, so I'm not sure what he was dealing with, but it seems to have passed, as the last two nights have been much better. Of course to keep mommy on her toes the youngest (1 year) decided to wake up screaming a few times last night - also major stuffed nose and I suspect an imminent appearance of tooth #8 to make his life (and mine) miserable. Apart from that it I was in preparation mode for the big work project to start - getting organized and cleaning the apartment.

Now to report on how I did during week four:

1. Read more novels.

I finally finished the French novel - I think from start to finish it took me more than a year, oops! - and I immediately started another one which I finished the next day (okay, it was only 133 pages, so not such a big deal). After a one-day break I picked up a thick Dutch novel that my husband gave me last year which should keep me busy reading for a while.

2. Follow the news more.

Well... I still haven't found a way to make this happen. Listening to the radio during breakfast would probably be the best solution as the evening news on TV is smack in the middle of trying to get the kids to bed and reading the New Yorker again still hasn't happened either, as for the moment I prefer to spend the rare spare time reading novels than getting depressed by extended reports on world events, even if they are very well written...

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

Still blogging - two blog hop posts this week, Perfect Moment Monday and this one. I'm happy to say I also commented on almost all the other PMM participants posts. Ideas for the Cultural Differences series are brewing in my head and I would love to get it started by next week, but I also want to announce it on LFCA, which means I need to submit it this weekend at the latest and I'm not sure I will have a first post all thought out by then. I'm also not too sure about the frequency. I want to make it a regular feature, but I think if I do it once a week I will soon run out of topics. So a monthly series? Or should I just hope it attracts enough readers and they will suggest new topics if I ask for it? Most of the topics I have in my head right now are parenting related, as I'm obviously in the midst of that myself and it is also by reading other blogs that I figure out some things are done very differently from one country to another, but it might be too much of a turn-off for those reading LFCA and still battling infertility... Anyway, those are some of the reasons why I'm procrastinating with this project. Any comments and/or suggestions are welcome! 

4. Get my professional website up and running.

I don't think I will give this any time and energy before the project under #5 is finished sometime in mid-March.

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

All focus here is still on the big project I wrote about last week. They asked me for a price quote which I gave last Friday - I think it's more of a formality and it's unlikely they will come back to me saying no, but I did increase my price since last year and I haven't heard from them in a week, which does make me a little bit nervous... However the project manager said they probably wouldn't have the texts (it's a translation job) before the middle or end of this week, so we should still be good, but I did send an email this morning to ask where things stand (and also to let them know we can talk about the price, if need be), just to be sure.

Update: I got a mail back. They want me to stick to my old price but have brought the deadline forward to February 18 (!) and I will not get the texts before the middle of next week.... I've no idea how I'm going to do this. I'll take the weekend to think about it and will talk to them on Monday.

The school granted me an extra day a week at the school restaurant for my son, so that is great! Things are still a bit uncertain regarding the upcoming school holidays though, as one center that offers day camp was already completely booked. I have a registration appointment on February 11 with another one, but they couldn't say anything yet about availabilities - only that they have 16 spots. So we'll see.

6. Start playing the cello again.

This has been put off until at least after the above-mentioned project is over. If I happen to open the case and tune the instrument before, that's a plus!

Perfect Moment Monday: Baristas

My husband likes a good coffee. A very good coffee. He has a kick-ass espresso machine, a grinder, and even a coffee roaster (and green beans), because, of course, fresh roasted coffee is the best. He will not walk into a Starbucks for a coffee. Because ever since they changed from real espresso machines to the full-automatic ones and their personnel are no longer fully trained baristas, but just people who can push a button and burn the milk (his words). He does however miss the great coffee shop with real baristas (who would win barista championships) that we had in the US city where we used to live. He finds the coffee in most French cafés and restaurants too bitter...

At home, he used to be alone in his coffee passion. I like to drink tea...

But since about a year and a half, he has found a new partner in crime: our 3.5 year old son is being trained to be the new barista world champion (and truth be told, if hubby is not around and someone would come over and would like a coffee, I think my son would make a better cup than me!).

The coffee-making usually only happens on the weekends, and the Perfect Moment came to me on a recent Sunday. I had just put our youngest son down for his morning nap and was in the bathroom about to enjoy a long shower, when I heard my husband and son in the kitchen, preparing to make some coffee. Our son asked lots of (sometimes even technical) questions, and hubby explained everything patiently. It was such a joy to listen to these two guys, enjoying their weekend morning ritual of making a good cup of coffee together.

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

Winter Shed: Week Three

This is the third Winter Shed week hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed and my second post on it. The full back story can be found here.

Thank you to those who commented on my first Winter Shed post and told me to take it easy! I want to clarify my goals a little bit - they are my goals for this coming year. I know I can't do them all in one week! But I'll still list them to see if I made any progress, even if it's minimal. 

Now to report on how I did during week three:

1. Read more novels.

I decided to continue reading the French novel that has been on my bedside table for months and I actually read one chapter this week.

2. Follow the news more.

It was not a good week for following the news for me. Too busy preparing and celebrating the baby's first birthday, welcoming my dad, and trying to tame the two boys who have found a new routine: party  instead of sleep (the little one wakes up - or is still awake - when I put his big brother to bed. When I'm lucky they give up after half an hour and fall (back) asleep. Last night the baby was still babbling at 11 pm...)

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

Still going strong with blogging and I like it! The Cultural Differences series hasn't advanced though, I hope to get it started in February.

4. Get my professional website up and running.

No progress here, but good news under #5!

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

I haven't heard back on the quote yet (but not too sad, it would bring in money but the project itself is not very appealing). The other client I contacted has no immediate projects but was happy to know I was available again and I got a call from a client I did two small projects for last year with a request for a big project for the coming six to eight weeks! Yay! So my number one priority this week was to get myself more work time, which includes asking the (pre)school to give our son at least one extra day a week at the school restaurant. I now have to pick him up twice a week for the two-hour lunch break and that means I just can't get anything serious done on those days. If I get a negative response another mother has already offered to help out by taking our son home for lunch a few times. I also have set up an appointment with a center that organizes day camps during the upcoming two-week school holidays at the end of February, which fall smack in the middle of this project. As a backup the sitter who takes care of our youngest four days a week has offered she can take the older one as well during the holidays, as one of the other kids is going on vacation. So I think I'm more or less covered and confidently told the client they don't have to look for a second person to help with the project! 

6. Start playing the cello again.

I have decided (also thanks to the comments I received last week) that I need to put this off a little longer. There's just no room in my head for this right now.

The bracelet - the one she never got to meet

This is the fourth and last post about my mother's bracelet. You can find the other ones here, here and here.

Today we celebrate my youngest son's first birthday. He was born 14 months after my mother died, so she wasn't there anymore to see me pregnant for the second time, to hold her fourth grandchild in her arms, or to have his coin touch her arm on a daily basis. She did know, however, that we wanted to try for another child, and it was a thought that made her happy, even though she knew she would probably not meet that child (at least not in this life).

When gearing up for another round of IVF in our quest for baby #2, my mom's situation got a lot worse. Being in a different country and not able to see her every day, it was hard for me to know how bad it really was. So I started suppression. Just before I was to start stimulation I got a very emotional call from my parents. I knew she was doing a lot worse than before, but my dad said it was really really bad. They were still going on a river cruise organized for sick and disabled people, but, he told me, after that she wanted it to be over. I couldn't believe it, it was so hard. I didn't quite know what "she wants it to be over" would entail, but I knew it would not go hand in hand with our IVF schedule. I told my dad, I asked him if he thought she could hang in there a bit longer. He handed the phone to my mom. I explained my situation to her (it seems so selfish now), asked her if she thought she could wait. We were both crying. She answered that life had become so unbearably hard for her, she didn't think she could do it. I went into denial. Four days after starting stimming, when at my mom's side in Holland, I came to my senses and we canceled our cycle. Three days later my mom died.

We tried again a few months later. It was a BFN. I felt very down. But luckily we had one frozen embryo left from this cycle, with which we did a FET in early May 2011. And now our son is one year old.

I cannot share my son's milestones or funny things that happened with my mother anymore. But somehow I choose to believe that she knows him. As the months since her passing went by, I was looking for that bird, or ray of sunshine, or some other sign that would tell me my mom was somehow still there with me. But I had the feeling there was nothing. Until I realized that if there was somewhere I could find my mother's spirit, it was in my baby's eyes. This boy, so calm, so happy, has something of her in him (even though everyone keeps telling me he looks so much like his dad).

My dad decided to add a coin for him to the bracelet. It is complete now.

Winter Shed: Week One and Two

Kathy over at Bereaved and Blessed started a new blog hop called Winter Shed. Here's what she says about it: "This is a  support group/blog hop for those trying to be accountable for the positive changes we intend to make in our lives in 2013. Whether you are trying to shed weight, find more balance or let go of something else that is dragging you down in the New Year… We can do this — together! Once a week, on Fridays, from now until at least mid-March/Spring, I will check in and share how my week has gone in the key areas I am working on. My hope and intention is that knowing I have this self-imposed report card to file will motivate me to stay focused on my goals." The full back story can be found here.

I think this is a great idea, as there are many things that I'd like to improve or change, but that often don't get done because I'm not actively sharing it with anyone else. Of course as as I was behind with a number of blog posts that were either in drafts folder (whether on my blogger account or in my head), I failed to write my Winter Shed: Week One post on time, so here are week one and two combined.

As I commented on Kathy's original post, the general idea is to get out of what I call "mommy mode isolation" and try to pick up some of my former activities that have fallen by the wayside since the birth of my children (3.5 and 1 year ago).

These include:

1. Read more novels.
2. Follow the news more (including reading the New Yorker).
3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.
4. Get my professional website up and running.
5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.
6. Start playing the cello again (I forgot to mention this in my comment to Kathy's post, but it's a very important one).

Now to report on how I did during week one and two:

1. Read more novels.

I have to give myself a zero here. I haven't read one letter of literature in the past two weeks. I'm halfway through a French novel (been in that state for the past six months or so), but I got turned off when the writer introduced himself in the story, however I do find that despite that the writing is good, so I'm a bit in limbo on whether to ditch it and start a new book or continue reading until the end.

2. Follow the news more.

Well... two days ago I read the newspaper that my husband had brought back from the plane and I listened to (Dutch) news during breakfast a few times this past week. But next week I want to have read at least one New Yorker article!

3. Pick up regular blogging again and start a series/hop on Cultural Differences.

I think I did pretty good here! I had some serious catch-up to do and wrote/finished four blog posts, not including this one, and one already scheduled for next week. My goal is to write and publish at least one blog post a week. Regarding the Cultural Differences series, there are many empty posts (but with topic ideas) in my drafts folder that I hope to fill in the coming weeks. I also commented on a few blogs, but can do better, because I haven't commented on any of the posts of the other December Perfect Moment Monday participants...

4. Get my professional website up and running.

Another zero... Hope to have a better report next week.

5. Find more clients / pursue more paid projects.

Today I followed up on a quote I delivered last month and I contacted a client to see if there might be any projects in the pipeline. So not much, but it's a start...

6. Start playing the cello again.

Another zero... I haven't played since our second son was born a year ago. I don't really know why, there are just always so many other things on my to-do list that I forget, or am too tired. I used to play in a piano trio with two neighbors, who are eager for me to pick that up again, but I recently got very frustrated with one of them over something else and he could drive me crazy too sometimes during rehearsals, so I'm not sure if I want to give up precious weekend time for that...

So... not such a great score. I can say I have an excuse because our youngest son was sick with the stomach flu for a few days, but I know I can do better. Tune in next Friday to see if I can stick to my goals!

The bracelet - 39

After this post and this one, another (overdue) post about my mother's bracelet. It should have been posted exactly a month ago, on December 16, 2012 - the day I turned 39! I don't really have an excuse, I wasn't too much caught up in celebrations - hubby was away on business, so I was alone with the kids. Early in the morning it seemed that the oldest was getting a stomach flu, but the idea of baking a chocolate birthday cake with mommy was apparently the best remedy, because all of his symptoms were suddenly gone!

I was born during the oil crisis and the Dutch government had decided to hold a few "car free Sundays". My mom's labor started in the early hours of such a Sunday. Before they headed to the hospital my dad called the police to ask for a 'laissez passer', which he easily got. He later told me he had hoped for a police escort, haha!

I imagine my birth being the best early Christmas present my parents got. They now had two healthy girls. They were in a new city, no longer tied to the hospital (and the nasty OB/GYN) where she delivered her first two children. Of course her new OB was aware of her history and my mom told me once that he had come to her (I think just after she'd given birth to me) to tell her they were able to deliver a live baby after a woman had come in with the same issue my mom had had with her firstborn (abruptio placenta). What she must have gone through hearing that news, I have no idea. I guess it was a good thing she had a healthy newborn in her arms herself.

My mom with me, 2 or 3 days old.

This was my third birthday without my mom. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it.