We say IVF they say FIV

Perfect Moment Monday - hey mommy

2012-01-23T21:06:00.001+01:00

The moment when he opened his eyes and looked at me like "hey, I know that voice, that's my mommy". In love for the rest of my life.

Our second son and little FET miracle, born today at 14:54 (2:54 pm) CET. Birth story to follow soon.

Quick update

2012-01-19T21:47:00.001+01:00

I had intended for my next post to be about the two blog awards I recently received, but that one is taking too much time (as I want to inform the other bloggers etc. beforehand, and don't seem to have the time for it at the moment).

So instead a quick update on the pregnancy front. I'm currently 39w3d pregnant, everything still going well and not much going on, except for lots and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, especially this afternoon and evening, and just hoping that this baby won't make us wait as long as our first one did (who was 10 days late).

Hubby and toddler put together the playpen on Sunday, after which our toddler climbed in, laid on his back and started fake-crying like a baby, haha.

I thought we had made a decision regarding the name, but then hubby started to question it again this weekend, without of course coming up with an alternative. We listed some names and read them out to our toddler, but he was too busy with his toys, food or youtube video to pay attention and give us any kind of clue (and anyway, if it should come from the youtube videos he'd probably say "mickey mouse" or "caillou"). But I think it'll be OK. We have one favorite and two backups, in case when the baby is born we think the name doesn't fit him.

On Monday I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom (too bad dust always reappears so quickly) and yesterday I filed away a year's worth of administration. Seems like I'm nesting (or just getting long overdue tasks done). Fun stuff...

So, in other words: we're ready!

Maybe this one will not be the spitting image of his dad...

2012-01-09T22:40:00.000+01:00

Me, 1 day old (back in 1973)

Baby #2, 32w u/s 4D scan

Dropped

2012-01-07T11:25:00.001+01:00

On Tuesday, December 27 I was sitting on the couch when I suddenly realized that there was more room between my breasts and my belly, and it was easier to breathe. I also felt more pressure on my bladder. My only conclusion was that the baby must have dropped!

My feeling was confirmed yesterday during my last regular OB appointment of this pregnancy, at 37w4d: baby's head is now really down in my pelvis, cervix is shortened and I'm one finger dilated. So we both hope that this one will come around my due date and not let us wait another 10 days.

BP and fundal height were fine but I didn't get the measurements. Weight +2 kg from last checkup, so I'm now at a total weight gain of +11 kg since the first checkup at 9 weeks, or +13 kg since pre-FET.

My strep B test came back positive, so I will need an antibiotics drip during labor and delivery to minimize the risk of transfering it to the baby.

Got my final blood test (toxoplasmosis) just after the consult and went home with a bloody shirt sleeve...

In other preparing for baby news: I got the stroller out of storage, washed and cleaned the various parts, put it back together and added the wheelyboard for our toddler to stand on. The bookcase with our administration and office stuff is now in our bedroom and the chest of drawers with toys moved from the living room to the kids' bedroom, with a dressing part on top of it (same system) and rearranged some other stuff in that room.

Finally as proof that my bump looks indeed different, a belly shot from yesterday (37w4d):

My mom, my back ache, and how it's all related

2011-12-27T16:00:00.000+01:00

I had intended to write a post about my mother one theone-year anniversary of her death, November 19. But for several reasons (one being that it was emotionally not easy towrite such a post), I didn’t get to it until now.

When I was composing the post in my head at the time, it wasmainly about what my mom’s death had brought us. Besides the tremendous sadnessof losing her, I also wanted to share that somehow, her death (and the factthat my dad found a new partner rather quickly and wasn’t a bundle ofloneliness and misery we had to go and take care of) gave my sister and me akind of liberty. Of course we would never say that we favored this liberty overhaving our mother, but – at least to me – it did offer some peace of mind. Theumbilical chord had finally been completely cut. Let me explain: ever sincewe’d been living abroad, and even more so since the birth of our son, I alwayshad this urge to move back to Holland. Not immediately, but someday in the nottoo far future. I wanted to be close to my mom, to have her around to babysitmy child(ren), to be my reliable source to fall back on when I was in doubt. Tohave that person close to you whom you don’t need to explain anything to, shealready knows. This feeling made me restless – always wanting to leave, eventhough hubby had no desire to move back to the lowlands any time soon. However,when she had died, this feeling was almost immediately gone. I wanted to staywhere I was. I had good and affordable childcare for my son, we had built somenice friendships with local and international people, I liked this city, I evengot some more interesting work projects. It was as if I finally was able toappreciate this and value it for what it was. In a way, I think a similar thinghappened to my sister. She lives in the US and talks at least once a year aboutmoving back to Holland, about wanting her kids to grow up with their Dutchcousins, etc. However, just before my mom got her death sentence, they had soldtheir house in a very uninspiring town, to move to a town close to a big city,with all the cultural offerings they were missing so much. They briefly thoughtabout abandoning that move and moving straight back to Holland, but luckilythey didn’t do so. My mom got to experience the positive change it made for mysister, but also the rest of her family – and even when she was sick mentionedto me once that moving to that town was the best decision my sister had made.Then my mom died, and my sister had the urge to stay in Holland to take care ofmy dad. But they were getting into each other’s space, and not much later, mydad met someone new (something my sister had a lot more trouble with than I,but that’s a separate story). A year after they had rented their new home, theygot the news that the owners wanted to get rid of it. So it was move or buy.Again there were discussions about family in Holland, etc. etc. But in the meantime my sister had alsoobtained her US citizenship (my brother-in-law had done it a few years before –having to give up his Dutch citizenship, but my sister could keep dual, thekids already had dual citizenship since birth). They bought.

So something along this line would have been my initialthought for a post. I didn’t dwell daily on missing my mom. I was even gladthat the tensions that were there sometimes between us and my parents (mainlybecause of stuff my mom did that irritated the hell out of my hubby) were nowgone. I did miss that I couldn’t call her regarding my pregnancy, talking to mydad about it was just not the same. But since we lived far away, she hadn’tbeen present much in daily life, so that just continued. If I stopped andreflected, I could get very sad (and still can) about the memory that is gone.My mom remembered everything, my dad remembers hardly anything, She was abetter listener, or at least made an effort to register things from our dailylives –my birthday was almost two weeks ago, on a Friday, of course my dadcalled when I was at the pool for my prenatal swimming that I’ve been doingevery week since September – and I cried when I heard his voicemail, knowingthat if my mom still had been alive, she would have remembered, and they wouldhave called early, to catch me before I left.

For the first anniversary of her death we went to Paris withmy dad and his girlfriend (I didn’t want to drive all the way up to Holland andwasn’t sure airlines would still allow me to fly). I had mentioned to my dad afew weeks earlier that I wanted to light a candle for my mom at the Notre Damecathedral. We would also take a walk at the Père Lachaise cemetery. My dad’sgirlfriend would be there, but she had already indicated that there would beenough opportunity for my dad and me to take some time apart and mourn. It allseemed to be a good plan and we were enjoying the weekend and the fact that wewere spending time together. The day we arrived we took the walk at thecemetery (beautiful views over Paris), I saw a grave of an artists we’d been toan exhibit of once when we were vacationing in France. He made a lot of (crazy)paintings with violins, which I really liked and I had tried to get (areproduction of) one of his works, but to no avail. I made a photo of thegrave. I asked my dad if he’d seen it, he said he did, but he didn’t rememberthe vacation story. I emailed the photo to my sister. She didn’t remembereither. My mom would have.

The next day, November 19, we went to Notre Dame in themorning. When we arrived there it seemed my dad wanted to split up – but notthe way we had talked about, but him staying with the girlfriend. He wasnervous. I told him I wanted to light the candle with him, what the girlfriendand my hubby wanted to do was up to them, if someone could take the toddler,that would be good. So finally my dad asked his girlfriend to walk around withour toddler, while he and I lit a candle and hubby was there too to take apicture. Then when we had taken our moment, my dad asked me to give thegirlfriend a hug later, because this was difficult for her too. I didn’t reallyreact at first, but when I was outside again I screamed “No” in my head. This wasour moment. If someone needed to be comforted it was me not her!

Then a few days later, when we were all back home, my dadcalled me and told me he and the girlfriend had had an argument. Apparently shehad first said she didn’t even want to come to Paris, because it was too hard.Then she still came, but had said she didn’t want to come to Notre Dame with us,but in the end she did. I was mad. I told him she could have opened her mouthat breakfast, when we were discussing what to do that day. But maybe it wasalso my dad, because he always wants to have everyone around him and doeverything together, so maybe she did suggest she would go do something elseand meet up with us later, and he convinced her to come along anyway. I don’tknow. I told him they should find a way to deal with it. I understand it isdifficult, but my dad clearly still doesn’t know how to manage dealing withmourning my mom and having a girlfriend, but it doesn’t work this way – we nowcannot talk about my mom when his girlfriend is there, so even though when wesee each other we all have a nice time, and I don’t blame him for having foundsomeone new (yes, it was soon, but these things sometimes just happen, that’s life),but we can’t shut out my mom. The girlfriend should not see my mom ascompetition. They are incomparable anyway.

That was the anniversary weekend. A month later it was mybirthday, a week later it was Christmas, and I entered the final month of pregnancy.On Friday I made a very ordinary but apparently completely wrong movement andpulled my lower back. It hurt the entire weekend, I couldn’t bend, walking wasdifficult, etc. Thanks to some stretching and massaging I started feeling alittle better on Sunday afternoon. On Monday evening the osteopath thankfullyhad time to see me. These are the to-go to specialists in France for muscleaches, back pain etc, but I always forget that they are part shrinks (they workfrom the ‘cranio-sacral’ standpoint, I’m more used to physical therapists orchiropractors who massage or ‘crack’ you and give you exercises), so there Iwas, lying on the table and then the question came, if something had happenedrecently. So I first said no, and then I said well, maybe I’m missing my mom abit more around the Holidays and the nearing end of the pregnancy, and oh,there was this thing that happened around the anniversary of her death… Sowhile he was working on me, my back pain went from a 5-6 to an 8 - which the osteopath said was perfectlynormal, because I need to release it all, it will start to feel better soon anddisappear in a few days.

The hour on the massage table made me reflect again. On howI have lost an anchor place with my mom’s passing, on how difficult it can bethat that one person, who knew everything about me, is just no longer there.And I thought about the text again that was on a condolence card someone sentus last year. It’s part of a poem by a Dutch (Christian oriented) poet:

Zeven maal omde aarde te gaan, (to go aroundthe earth seven times)

als het zoumoeten op handen en voeten; (if necessary onall fours)

zeven maal, omdie ene te groeten (seven times,just to greet that one person)

die daarlachend te wachten zou staan. (who would be waitingthere, smiling)

Zeven maal omde aarde te gaan. (to go aroundthe earth seven times)

Sometimes the urge to just wanting to see her, touch her,one more time, smiling, like she used to be, before she got sick, can hurt somuch. And I wish her grave wasn’t 900 km away, and I could go visit it often, and just sit there, and be with her in spirit.

(and yes, my back is already starting to feel better…)

Thanks for reading all the way to the end.

Feeling sorry for myself

2011-12-24T07:36:00.001+01:00

I'm not having the best morning. Yesterday when taking the breakfast stuff from the dining table back to the kitchen I pulled my back. Even lying down an entire night didn't do anything to relieve the pain and turning was almost impossible and caused two bouts of leg cramps. So of course I didn't sleep well. Our toddler was at our bedside at 6:30 am and after 15 minutes in our bed wanted to get up and I had to join him (as usual).

Hubby has been absorbed in work unhappiness for weeks so is no fun to be around let alond that I should expect him to get up and entertain our son so I could get some more rest. Instead we closed the bedroom door so he can sleep for at least another hour.

Tonight we'll put the Christmas presents under the tree (earlier would only result in the toddler unwrapping everything). I had a lot of fun buying presents for our son and my hubby. I know there'll be one present for me, that hubby and I bought together, but I think that's it. Maybe I'll relabel the CD I bought hubby and give it to myself. How pathetic is that.

Boo. Time to get myself in the holiday spirit...

33w5d belly pic

2011-12-11T16:00:00.000+01:00

I realize I officially suck at taking and posting belly pics, but here's one anyway, taken late last night...

Nesting

2011-12-10T22:35:00.000+01:00

I assume what I've been doing in the past week / days has something to do with nesting, and not just my usual sense of organization (and my apparent lack of common sense, when it comes to some actions, but more on that later).

Ever since the conference I was working on has happened and my workload has significantly decreased, I've been catching up on things around the house that were patiently waiting for me to have more time, but there was a definite tug from the baby department, calling me to start preparing for the arrival of baby #2.

First, I'd been having my eye on a very cool design co-sleeper - something I'd like to have as I don't want to repeat the first six months we had with son #1 (and of course this baby's sleep habits might be completely different, but I want to be better prepared this time in case they are similar to #1), i.e. getting up every 1.5-2hrs at night for 4 months in a row until I was so exhausted that I had completely lost myself (both mentally and physically - I lost way too much weight). However, as is always the case with a cool design, it came with a heavy price tag and it wasn't in stock for a long time. When I told hubby about it he thought I was completely nuts - why spent so much money on it if you're only going to use it for about six months. I knew he was right, and though I had planned to ask it as a gift from my always very generous grandmother, I was wondering if I wasn't overstepping it. So... to make a long story short, I started browsing the lovely interweb and found a very suitable alternative, available here in France, with a much friendlier price tag and grandma was OK with paying for it. So I immediately ordered it because I had a 15% discount coupon (but of course the next day I received a 30% discount coupon from the same store, which made me a little mad) and a few days later it arrived at our doorstep and of course I immediately had to assemble it.

In co-sleeper mode, with one side down

In bassinet mode, with all sides up

Next to our bed, with the veil my mom made for the crib #1 slept in (and #2 will use too when it outgrows this one)

It is still standing in our bedroom, but of course not directly next to the bed. When our toddler saw it for the first time, he wanted to know what it was, so I said it was a little bed for the new baby. The next day he walks into our bedroom, he sees the bassinet and he says "shh, baby's asleep".

Then, as we only have a 2BR apartment, both kids will have to share a bedroom once the baby has got some sleep routine going. Our toddler's room still contains some office elements (a desk, which we never use anymore, except to put piles of bills on to be filed away and a few books for evening story time; and a file cabinet) which have to be moved out (desk to be put away in storage, file cabinet to our bedroom) so there will be room for the baby's crib and a second chest for a combination of toys (a system from the well-known blue and yellow Swedish superstore) and clothes for our toddler. The lower part (a three-drawer chest) is currently in the living room, but will have to make room for the play pen which we're going to set up again, and then we'll put a taller unit on top of it with wire baskets and a clothes rail).

So for the past two weeks I'd been composing my shopping list on the Swedish superstore's website, I also added a bar stool for myself, so I don't always have to stand when preparing meals, step stools so the toddler can brush his teeth without me having to pull him up to the vanity, underbed storage boxes (for more toys) etc. Last Thursday the store near our city finally had everything in stock what I needed, so off I went, with toddler in tow and my shopping list all printed out (which very handily listed where in the warehouse part of the store various items could be found). It all started out great, still had toddler contained in the shopping cart when passing through the Christmas ornaments (and of course buying them too), but then I needed a second cart for the bigger items. And then he stood up in the other cart, wanted to be on the flatbed cart - started running through the warehouse aisles, and oh my.... I was sweating and cursing myself for doing this (but at the same time I really get a kick of going to this store and being able to check everything off my list, even when eight months pregnant, just the toddler-chasing did me in). Then we arrived at the checkout and there were huge lines, also for the priority (ie pregnant women) checkout lanes. I never feel comfortable cutting in front of a lot of people just because I'm pregnant, but a woman waiting in line in front of me took one of the carts and brought me right up to the checkout, I gave an apologetic look to the lady who was first in line, and she graciously let me pass (and then looked at my carts and I could see her think "this woman is nuts").

All in all the trip went well, despite having to change shirts once home (and yes, I left the heavy items in the car for hubby to take out when he gets back) but this trip, in combination with the broken nights I've been having because our toddler is abusing the fact that daddy hasn't been home for the past week (so he wakes up in the middle of the night, wanting to sleep with mommy in the big bed. I'm mostly too tired to try to keep him in his own bed, but he takes a while before falling back to sleep if at all) really got to me yesterday evening. Of course our toddler isn't getting the sleep he needs either, so he's crying and throwing tantrums, while I try not to lose my temper (not always successfully) or cry myself, while my whole body hurts and tells me to just please lie down. It only got better this evening, after we'd both had a good long nap and we just stayed home and cooked dinner instead of running errands or trying to see friends.

Three more sleeps until hubby's back home. Hopefully our toddler will come back to his senses when it comes to his nighttime sleeping then too.

Pretty stupid

2011-12-08T22:03:00.001+01:00

So in yesterday's post I wrote a little bit about the various meds I'm taking. The magnesium tablets however were giving me a hard time, in that they are pretty impossible to swallow. I was already breaking them in two or three pieces, but even then it remained a challenge. So this morning I had a look at the box to see what was actually in them (various homeopathic forms of magnesium) so I could go to the pharmacy and buy those ingredients as granules.

Then my eyes wandered over to the directions: three times a day (OK was doing that, as the pharmacist had told me so), preferably not during mealtime (oops, had taken them at mealtime, as that's the easiest way for me to remember), by breaking them and then letting them dissolve under your tongue.

Right... no wonder they were hard to swallow! Today's tablets have been a lot easier to take...

And then partly in response to Valery's question whether they were doing anything against my leg cramps. Yes, I do think so, even when I swallowed them... (but as a rule with all homeopathic medicine, you have to believe!)

8-month checkup

2011-12-07T22:10:00.001+01:00

Just a quick update on my checkup of this afternoon at 33w2d. Everything still going great! Doc said the baby is still very high so I shouldn't worry about anything this month. The little one is super active, which is a joy to feel each and every time.

The stats:
Weight: +1.5 kg since last month
BP: 110/60
Fundal height: perfect (didn't get the measurement)
Cervix: Long and closed
Belly/Uterus: Soft
Fetal HR: good (didn't get reading)

Currently (still) on the following meds:
2 iron tablets a day
1 baby aspirin a day (which I can stop at 35w0d)
1 stool softener a day
2-3 magnesium tablets a day (this was not prescribed by my OB, but the midwife whom I'm taking the birthing classes with advised me to take them when I mentioned my leg cramps)
3x 3 9ch granules of cuprum metallicum (homeopathic medicine) a day (self medication, also for leg cramps)
1 prenatal vitamin a day (self medication)

Got my blood work done right after seeing the OB so that'll be ready for my consult with the anesthesiologist coming Monday.

Am planning to write a few more thoughtful posts than these easy stats and updates, but have to find a time of day to do that when I'm less tired.

Third trimester ultrasound

2011-11-30T21:47:00.001+01:00

This morning we had our fourth and probably last (unless I go past my due date) ultrasound, at 32w2d. Everything's looking good with the little man! He seemed to be snuggled up against the placenta, head down, back on the left, so in a good position for delivery in about eight weeks! Also looks to be a bigger baby than his brother, his estimated weight is 2186 g (+/- 320) (compared to 1928 g for baby #1 at his 32w2d u/s), and head and belly circumferences are above the 90 percentile.

Cervix is still long and closed, at 44.6 mm (compared to 51.5 mm at the 20w ultrasound).

Below a few candle wax images of our sweet bub's face.

This and that

2011-11-28T21:52:00.001+01:00

Oh my, I'm so behind with posting (and commenting too), that I hardly know where to start... I have some notes in my phone from my 7-month OB checkup, which is now almost a month ago. I have ideas for writing a post about the first anniversary of my mom's passing, there are regular pregnancy-related tidbits...

Well anyway, the big conference I was working on happened on November 10 and I think we can call it a success, which is of course great. There are some things that need to be done as follow-up, but overall the enormous pressure is off and that is good, because I'm out of second trimester energy and have definitely entered the third trimester feeling of "oh, what is this belly feeling heavy and tight" and "I could use a good nap". So the first two weeks after the conference I caught up on sleep and other items that had been patiently waiting on my to-do list. There is still a huge pile of bills etc that needs to be filed, but other than that I got most things covered (it's a shame though that once the apartment is clean it gets dirty quickly enough again...).

Things continue to go well with the pregnancy. I've had the first two of eight birthing classes reimbursed by the state health insurance. I'm doing them with the same independent midwife as with my first pregnancy, so it's a nice "Aha Erlebnis", but also different as I'm now the 'experienced one' compared to the women who are pregnant with their first child, and when doing breathing exercises can think "yeah, this is great for the first 4 cm, after that you have to find a different technique".

The stats for my 7-month check up, which I had on November 2nd, at 28w2d:
Weight:+0.5 since last checkup
BP: 105/60
Fundal height: 26 cm
Everything else perfect and she told me I could do the conference, so that was good news (for some reason I had worried a bit that after all the long workdays she would tell me my cervix had shortened and I would have to take it easy, or something, but no, I was allowed to continue the craziness for another week).

The other things will come in a separate post. Off to bed now.

6-month checkup and other updates

2011-10-21T23:12:00.000+02:00

Sorry again for the long hiatus in posting - I'm just extremely busy - and I even forgot my blogoversary again (the third, I've missed all of them)! Things should be slowing down after November 10, when the conference I'm co-organizing will be over. Of course I got two paid projects this week (one has to be finished by Monday morning, the other by Friday), so I work many days (especially the ones when I have my son at home) from when the toddler is in bed until about 11:30 pm. Yeah, probably not very wise for a 6-month pregnant woman, but luckily I'm still in my energetic second trimester, hopefully the feeling will last until the magic date of November 10!

Last week Monday I went for my 6-month OB checkup. The doc was as enthusiastic as ever and everything was fine!
The stats:
Weight: +1 kg since last check-up
Blood pressure: 100/60
Fundal height: good
Cervix: no changes since last time (long, closed, firm)
Uterus: tonic - and the doc was all excited that she could feel the baby.
Fetal HR: good (didn't get the reading) - with the mention that boys' HRs are often a little slower than girls' (so then can run faster later...)

Continuing the baby aspirin and stool softeners, and got a prescription to get some compression stockings because she thought my legs looked a bit damaged. Well, I didn't really agree - or at least, to me they don't look more 'damaged' than usual or than with my previous pregnancy: spider veins and bruises (I often take corners a bit too sharp in the house). My legs don't hurt and I do have cramps sometimes, but they were much worse in my first pregnancy and then she just prescribed magnesium supplements and never mentioned compression stockings. But the good girl that I am, I went to the pharmacy and bought two pairs anyway and even tried them on. They are really long (like real stockings, not like the ones that come up to your knees only) and the compression part is OK, but the 'glue' band on top is really annoying! I told the pharmacy when I went to pick up the second pair (that was on back-order) and they sold me some 'barrier' cream, which is supposed to help with the scratchy feeling, but to be honest, it doesn't do much. Anyway, we'll see how much I'll use them...

Then this Monday I had to go to the lab for my glucose tolerance test. Two hours 'lounging' in the lab room with a total of three blood draws (fasting, 1h after glucose intake and 2h after glucose intake) with an iPod that I'd forgotten to charge... (did have my iPhone, but after updating to iO.S 5 I somehow had lost my music because I synced it with one of our other computers...). When I got up for the final blood draw I got a very weird and painful feeling in my legs. I mentioned it to the lab technician and she said it might be from getting up too soon after having laid down for two hours and told me to sit in the waiting room until it felt better... Luckily it did, although I felt funny the rest of the day (and almost fainted at the butcher store at the end of the day). Got the results back yesterday and I passed (funny though that my glucose level at 1h was lower than the fasting level).

OK, this post has become way too long. I know there have been requests for a belly pic and I will do my best... also would like to post a graph of the weekly belly measurements I take (did the same with my first pregnancy, when I didn't take any pics at all). But that will all have to wait for another post, hopefully I'll have some time next week.

Things I've learned during this pregnancy

2011-10-05T16:37:00.001+02:00

In no particular order...

Prenatal swimming / aquatic exercises are heaven for my lower back.

Homeopathic anti-constipation medicine just doesn't work. I had hoped I could stop the stool softeners but that was just wishful thinking...

Homeopathic anti (leg) cramp medicine does seem to work, but not always...

Taking baby-gym courses with my toddler is super exciting for him, but exhausting for me. Fortunately we do it with two friends, so they can pitch in when I need a break.

Toddler swimming is fun for us both (and not so exhausting for me).

I think I'm going to live in the maternity yoga pants I just bought for the remainder of the pregnancy (oh, and I love online shopping for maternity wear, very dangerous!).

I love the thought of having two boys and don't understand people's reaction when they ask if I'm disappointed that we're not having a girl.

I have no idea what is going through my toddler's head when he sees my growing belly, but every evening he wants to read the book about the girl who's getting a little brother. He especially loves the images where the baby is upside down in the mother's belly. He also seems to get more clingy the bigger my belly gets.

I love being pregnant (I already knew that from the first time, but this time is even better/more relaxed).

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's a boy!

2011-09-19T12:19:00.003+02:00

We had our 22 week ultrasound this morning and the first image we saw on the screen didn't leave any mistake: we're expecting another boy! (I considered posting the pic, but I know some people might be offended, so I decided not to - below are two 'safer' ones).

I already had a feeling it would be a boy, but it's nice to have the confirmation now. The little man was moving around a lot, even stuck his tongue out! All organs and bones looked and measured great, and he's a bit above the curve with everything, but I think we had the same with our first one and when he was born he wasn't any bigger than an average (French) baby. She also measured the cervix, which was long and closed at about 5 cm. Placenta is fare enough away from the cervix, so that's good to know too.

After the ultrasound I had my 5-month check-up with my OBGYN. Of course I already knew everything was fine, but it's always nice to see my doctor pleased and enthusiastic. I still didn't get my blood pressure reading (I think this time she said 110 over 60), but she said it was good. Fundal height at 22 cm so right on target, very supple/soft uterus, tonic cervix. Baby's heartrate was fine too (didn't get the exact measurements either).

I'll have to make an appointment with the lab for later this week for the routine checks and then next month it will be fun with the glucose tolerance test and some additional blood tests. My next OB check-up is only three instead of four weeks away due to scheduling of appointments with the hospital for the last three months (still with the same OBGYN, but next month will be the last checkup at her private practice, and for month 7-9 it will be at the hospital. Since my due date is at the end of January, appointments at the hospital have to be made for the beginning of the month, and until now my appointments were more towards the middle/end of the month).

A weekend away

2011-09-16T14:45:00.001+02:00

Just a quick update from the airport, where I'm about to board a flight to London, sans hubby and toddler. Going to attend a conference tomorrow with a colleague/friend and then be back home on Sunday afternoon.

Left our toddler with the sitter this morning with a 38.7 degree fever (celsius obviously, which equals about 101.7 Fahrenheit), other than that he was a happy camper, so no idea what the problem is. Hopefully he won't get really sick and will still be able to go with hubby to the toddler swimming session tomorrow morning.

Went to prenatal swimming session this morning myself, which was really nice. But somehow looking at the other pregnant women I didn't feel pregnant myself! Weird...

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I take that back...

2011-09-10T21:29:00.004+02:00

...regarding the leg cramps.

Woke up this morning with a horrible cramp in my left leg - but not the back, but on the side - horrible place, because the usual trick of pulling your toes in the direction of your nose doesn't work...

Past the halfway mark

2011-09-09T22:41:00.000+02:00

That's right - I'm 20w4d today, so even according to my French city's standards - which counts 40w3d for due dates - I'm into the second part of my pregnancy. Only if this one decides to stay inside as long as his or her older brother, then I'm not quite there yet...

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Everything is going the way it should. Belly is growing, I feel the baby moving more and more, and I'm feeling pretty good. Leg cramps are nothing compared to my first pregnancy, but maybe that's still to come or the homeopathic treatment I gave myself (cuprum metallicum and nux vomica) did the trick, who knows...

I bought a doppler after I saw that it was much cheaper than I thought those things would be, but to be honest, I hardly use it. I prefer feeling the baby's kicks and moves - somehow I feel that those are signs he/she wants to give me him-/herself that everything is going okay in there, and with the doppler I'm somehow intruding on his/her space, or is that weird?

We should know the baby's sex at the next ultrasound in two weeks time. Somehow I'm thinking it's a boy, but no real reason for it other than that I don't know any better as my previous pregnancy was a boy. Friends around my son's babysitter say it must be a girl because a few of their pregnant friends who are due in January are all expecting girls. But then I think that ours was conceived a few months earlier, so their 'wisdom' might fall short...

I had my first prenatal yoga class this evening and it was good. A different class and teacher than I had with my first pregnancy, I think I like this one better (she's also a midwife), a little more down-to-earth. Classes are every other week, so I will try to get some discipline to also do some exercises at home, although knowing myself that will probably not happen...

I've also signed up for prenatal swimming/water exercises for which classes begin next Friday (you see, it's "la rentrée" - referring to start the new school year at the beginning of September, but also meaning all other activities, even if they're not meant for school children at all, have a summer hiatus and start up again in September - and oh my if you're trying to get into a class in mid-season!). Looking forward to that. It's in an aquatic center a bit out of town, but looks very nice, much better than the municipal swimming pools close by. We've also signed up for Saturday morning 'swimming' activities with our toddler at the same center since he showed so much love for being in the water this summer, so that should be fun too.

Other than that I'm still extremely busy with work. Had a huge deadline today, which I still haven't met, but I'm now waiting for input from two other people before I can send the docs off, so it's pretty much out of my hands (and I figured everyone has gone home anyway, so not much difference if they get it now or tomorrow or Sunday - besides, did I mention I don't get paid for this job...?! - but it's worth it, I hope). Luckily I didn't get any angry emails or phone calls, so I'm pretty zen.

18w4d - belly pics

2011-08-26T15:12:00.004+02:00

By popular demand... ;-)

Two pics, belly looks much bigger in the second one (must have something to do with hollow or straight back I guess), so for you to decide which is the more realistic one...

Recap of the past month

2011-08-24T23:27:00.008+02:00

Thankfully the heat wave is over! After a short and pretty mild thunderstorm cool air is flowing into our apartment again.

Our vacation didn't exactly go as planned, but was really nice nonetheless. It started with a drive up north (not all the way to Holland, but to Belgium) to celebrate my husband's uncle 50 years of priesthood. It was nice but also a bit weird - to hubby's uncle, his brothers are clearly more like family than his real family, which is understandable, but makes these celebrations in a way a bit awkward as well. But it was good to see the family, even though most things stayed pretty superficial (which was OK with me, no need for another fight between hubby and his sister).

After that we drove a few hours south, to a chic Parisian suburb, where my sister was staying with her family (they had done a house exchange for the holidays). The weather turned a lot better and it was great fun seeing our toddler interact with his cousins (whom he doesn't see that often as they live in California).

Then the plan was to drive in the direction of Bordeaux, where we would exchange our car for my dad's camper van (who was already vacationing with his girl friend there), take a 10-day trip with the camper van, after which we would return it to my dad at our home. But, my dad got sick. It wasn't very clear what kind of infection he had picked up, and whether it was viral or bacterial, but the main message was "your daughter can come visit but there should be no contact". Well, that seemed super artificial to us (and try to tell our toddler that he cannot hug his granddad, or maybe he can, but if he does, he cannot be held by his mommy anymore? Not a good idea). So we made the decision to cancel those plans, go home first, and then see from there what we would do.

I must say that the whole idea of going back home made me feel pretty miserable. I was supposed to be on holiday! But once we were back home, having our own things, sleeping in our own bed, it wasn't that bad after all. Also because by the time we were back, we had made a plan what to do next: we decided to stay home for a few days, let a cold/rainy front come through and once the sun would come out again, we would put our tent and other camping gear in the car and drive two hours to a valley we'd passed through a couple of times on our way south (via country roads) and had fallen in love with.

If we ever win the lottery, we want to live here...

So off we went. The surroundings were even more beautiful than we remembered, the campsite was nice, but the first night was interesting! I had consulted the weather forecast for the area, but only looked at day temperatures, which were really nice and warm. However, the first three nights were cold! Our poor son woke up the first night because his sleepsack and summer PJs were just not warm enough. We took him between us where he fell asleep immediately again, despite our air mattress slowly getting softer and softer, until we were on the ground! I also felt some leg cramps (which were horrible during my first pregnancy) coming up, but fortunately they stayed pretty mild and were manageable. So the next day we went to the store to buy a warm camping sleeping bag for our son and a new air mattress for ourselves, because despite having a repair kit handy, we couldn't find the leak!

The following days and nights were much better, even though our son was suffering from two emerging molars, and winced every time we had to wipe his red butt. Being pregnant while camping had its challenges too: I decided to stop taking my anti-constipation medicine, because it made me go to the toilet a bit too often. And speaking of toilet, of course I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee - quite an excercise, but oh well, luckily it was only once a night (and the stars were beautiful!).

All in all we had a lovely week, but when we came home we were also very glad to find our own bed again, having a fridge, and not having to bend over a tiny cooking stove when preparing meals.

Then the work crisis hit that I wont' bother you with.

And finally we did manage to meet up with my dad and his girl friend. They drove up with the camper van to a campground near our city and we spent last weekend with them, which was really nice. They're now on their way back to Holland.

And to finish this post, yesterday was my third OB appointment (at 18w1d) and both the bub and I are doing great! I didn't get any of the measurements other than the upper part of my BP (110) and my weight (again +2 kg from last month's appointment, so +4 kg in total), but everything was fine. Got to hear the bub's heart beat via the doppler which was wonderful. The OB was somewhat surprised that I already felt movement (since around week 15) and remarked that my belly had really popped (it has). She also had my T21 results: 1/617 (threshold is at 1/250). Maybe not super great numbers, but better than the result with my first pregnancy (which was somewhere around 1/450) which turned out fine and the OB told me there's no reason to worry, and I agree. So everything is going well! I just have to go to the lab early next week again for monthly blood and urine work and then the next OB checkup and ultrasound will be on September 19.

I'm back and will update soon

2011-08-23T22:18:00.005+02:00

Sorry for the radio silence. I've been back home for a week now, but got into a work crisis right away (so bad that almost walked off the project), not a really nice way of coming back from vacation I must say... Fortunately we were able to work it out and all is OK again.

Currently suffering through a heat wave (38 degrees Celsius outside, 28 degrees Celsius inside with all the blinds and windows closed - no A/C obviously). Should be over by Friday. Went to the OB for a checkup today. All is well. I will write more about that and give a little recap of our summer holidays tomorrow evening.

Have been reading my blog list via google reader so am pretty up-to-date on what's going on with all of you, now only have to go back to commenting (but you're all in my thoughts!!).

Vacation hiatus

2011-07-30T22:20:00.001+02:00

We're on vacation - in search for the sun. Back to blogging in about three weeks...

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13w0d - second OB appointment

2011-07-18T12:27:00.005+02:00

Just came back from my OB appointment and subsequent blood tests. Everything is fine (which I already more or less knew from last Wednesday's ultrasound).

BP: 110/? (I thought she said 40, but that cannot be true - and I didn't ask again)

Weight: +2 kg from last month's appointment - and it's true, I can eat all day! Favorites: potatoes (especially potato salad), green beans (which I normally don't really like), chips - anything salty really, not much of a sweet tooth these days.

Cervix: long and closed

Uterus: 'supple' (intestines not so much - have horrible constipation. Doc prescribed me something for it, hopefully it'll help!)

Continuing the baby aspirin, but I can now stop the progesterone suppositories. Yay!

Overall she said that I gave the impression of being very serene about the pregnancy (I guess I am, in any case much more so than about work!).

Then after I saw the OB I went to the lab for the monthly blood work (toxoplasmosis) and urine sample plus the T21 blood test. Results for the latter will be communicated via my OB (might even have to wait until the next appointment...). Nuchal scan at the ultrasound showed no signs to worry though, so I hope the blood test will confirm that.

Still a little less than two weeks before we go on vacation! Can't wait...

Wordless Wednesday - 12 week scan

2011-07-13T14:01:00.003+02:00

Sharing stories

2011-07-10T21:35:00.003+02:00

A little over a month ago I had lunch with someone to ask her to come work with me and another woman on the organization of a one-day conference planned for November. It was the day of our first scan and somehow I told her that day that I was pregnant (I don't exactly remember why, but it had something to do with that she was telling me to go after this, do that, apply for jobs, etc. and I couldn't think of any good excuse so I just told her I was pregnant - it was also after that meeting that I wrote here that I felt like a complete professional failure).

Anyway… I knew that she had one child, and she mentioned that when applying for jobs she didn't mention her age, marital status and whether she had kids or not (it is quite common in France to provide all that info, including a picture of yourself…) because it had led to questions before about whether or not she wanted another child, etc. I didn't ask her about it, figuring there must be a story - secondary infertility, or something else.

She joined the team, got very active (which is great, and I love it, but it also drives me nuts because I see myself in her but can't do what she does right now because of my pregnancy fatigue) and last Thursday, during a break in our 6-hour meeting, she told me that she had had four miscarriages when trying for baby #2 - all just before the end of the first trimester. Her revelation was triggered by the fact that she asked about my pregnancy and I told her that I would have our 12-week scan next week (of course after hearing her story now I'm freaked out something is going to be horribly wrong - and the fact that hubby told me he has to be away for business that day doesn't make it any easier).

So of course I told her our IF story too, and heard more details about hers. When her employer found out about her first miscarriage, he summoned her into his office and asked her what the hell she had been thinking getting pregnant (as she had just been working there for nine months and recently had gotten a fixed contract - he made it seem like she was taking advantage of the situation). If I ever meet this guy I will punch him in the face!

Her doctors kept telling her that she was young and could still have lots of babies. Even after miscarriage #3… No one talked to her about RPL and she had to go back to her home country to get all the blood tests done (she did consult a lot with Dr Google, so she asked her doctors for lots of test, but most of them just ignored her), her new OB (a colleague of my RE - whom she also saw, btw, but then she fell pregnant again so he just referred her to the OB, who told her she was just worrying too much...).

When she started bleeding again - miscarriage #4 - and couldn't get hold of her OB, she went back to the one who delivered her son. Finally people started listening to her. She had a hysteroscopy, they found adenomyosis (endometriosis of the uterus). She's now under the care of another specialist, again trying naturally. I do hope she's now finally under proper medical care and her RPL will be taken very seriously. I cannot imagine how stressful those 13 weeks of the first trimester must be for her. I can only wish her lots of strength and luck.

I'm still here

2011-07-09T22:32:00.002+02:00

Thanks St Elsewhere to giving me a little push to post again.

Have been wanting to do that for a long time, but either didn't have the energy or the time. Right now I have a splitting headache, but am babysitting at my neighbors (using our own wifi) while hubby is at home with our toddler - and since normally hubby doesn't want me to be typing away in the evening hours (while him sitting with his ipad on the couch all evening is perfectly OK and absolutely not the same thing…), I have to take the opportunity to update my blog.

Not that there's that much to tell, to be honest. I've been mainly either extremely busy or extremely tired. More the latter than the former, but since the fatigue makes me have to take naps, I get behind with my work, and don't ever seem to get through my to-do lists, which is frustrating the hell out of me.

I went to Holland for three days with our son, because I had to sign some papers for my dad's tax filing concerning the inheritance and my mom's tombstone (although it's not a stone, but glass, with pebbles underneath, but I don't know what I should call it) had been ready for a few weeks and I wanted to see that as well. My sister and her kids had arrived in Holland from California a few days earlier, so it was a nice opportunity to see them too.

But man, was it exhausting. First of all, my dad was super stressed and distracted (it already started at the airport when he came to pick us up - didn't know where he had parked the car, so we were wandering through the car park for a few minutes before we finally found it). This mainly because of his new relationship and the way my sister deals with it (not well). And also because this woman is so different from my mom, that he has to get used to that too - which makes him uncertain and stressed. And besides, they mainly communicate via text messages, which of course leads oftentimes to misunderstandings and almost break-ups etc. I can tell you, I'm already getting some training for when my son will hit puberty and get his first girlfriend! Pfff…

Then of course I tried to plan too many things in those three days, which I had to abandon almost immediately, because I was way too tired (partly due to the situation above, partly because my dad's house lacks blinds in front of his windows, and curtains didn't keep out the sun that was shining into my son's room at 5:30 am - so he would be wide awake by that time).

So I was somewhat relieved when the day arrived that we would fly home again. Only to find a message from the airline when I woke up that our direct morning flight had been cancelled and that they'd rebooked us on a flight in the afternoon via Paris. Ugh. Both flights were delayed as well. My son was a trooper on the first flight but fatigue overtook him on the second one, so he only cried, until he fell asleep, then woke up when they started the descend, and then cried again until we were in the terminal. To make it all complete, our luggage had stayed in Amsterdam and was only returned to us three days later…

Of course the next day I had belly cramps and lower back pain all day and it took me a while to recuperate. Last week was better, but trying to catch up on work, which worked relatively well, but still get frustrated when I see how much someone else on my team is getting done while I have a few items for this big project on my to-do list that have been there for about two months. I know, she's not pregnant (but ah, I will dedicate a post to her next as hers is not an easy story either), so I have an excuse, but I don't always want to have to hide behind that.

OK, I think I'm going to search for some chips here now (or call hubby to bring me some…)

9w0d - first OB appointment

2011-06-20T15:13:00.004+02:00

First of all, my apologies for my badly written previous post. Somehow I had intended to write a really eloquent post about time and missing my mom, but it came out pretty horribly. Oh well...

Today was my first OB appointment. I still have to laugh when all the doctors here immediately grab the color wheel to determine how far along I am in my pregnancy/what my due date is. The ultrasound doc even asked me if I had one at home when I told her I was 5w4d pregnant before she had set the wheel to the right dates. I answered that no, I didn't, but that I do have internet...

When I made the appointment I had told the assistant about the pregnancy, but my OB hadn't checked my file yet, so she didn't know and was happily surprised when I told her. She knew about the FET (I had told her when I came in with my son a few months ago when he was sick - she also does pediatrics) and she kept repeating how happy she was for me during the consult.

She checked my BP (I forgot to ask the numbers), weight (+2 kg from pre-FET), breast and cervix (all fine) and gave me a prescription for all the blood tests I have to get done during my pregnancy. The T21 test has been moved up from the second to the first trimester, so that will have to be done right after my next appointment, when I'm around 13 weeks pregnant. We also set up appointments for the coming five months (up until the 7th month of pregnancy, from then on the consultations will still be with her, but at the hospital instead of her private practice).

The crampy belly/lower back pain seems to have been replaced by headaches. Not really an improvement, but for today another excuse not to get anything done that's on my to-do list (which I will regret again tomorrow of course).

Time

2011-06-16T14:09:00.002+02:00

Sorry for being MIA for a while - I've been a bit too busy and with two long public holiday weekends my 'me-time' was limited.

Other than that I'm fine. I think I'm starting to get a little belly (hubby says it's because I eat too many cookies - he's crazy). My regular size pants don't fit anymore in the evenings. Until my first pregnancy I wore a size larger and I kept those clothes - they now come in very handy (I also unpacked some of my maternity clothes, but those are still way too big - also partly due to the fact that these are in my previous size). Worst part of the day for me is somewhere between lunch and dinner - my belly then feels slightly crampy, I have lower back pain and am tired. Sometimes the crampy belly prevents me from taking a good nap. I'm hungry most of the time. Yesterday I was watching a cooking program on TV after dinner and I swear, I could have eaten everything that I saw.

I got my registration for the hospital's l&d and maternity ward sorted - am #7 for the registrations that started this week for due dates end of January/early February (as I live in an area with many fertile myrtles and a popular hospital, you have to register pretty early on in your pregnancy to be sure there is a bed available for you).

Time is playing strange tricks on me - when I think about my due date (end of January), I picture it as being only about five months away, upcoming OB appointments or ultrasounds are in my idea somehow scheduled in November/December instead of June/July. It seems that I relate everything back to my first pregnancy (which debuted early October '08), but I wonder if it also is somehow linked to my mom's illness and passing (she received her 'death sentence' in last September and passed away in November), because when I read about friends' babies that were born in January/February I think they're only three months old instead of five - somehow I'm still stuck in November.

I'm feeling my mom's absence more and more now - my dad inquires about my health and feelings, but when I then tell him about my symptoms he will ask "is that all normal in this stage of pregnancy?" - so far away from what my mom's reaction would be - relating to her own pregnancies, or maybe my own first - I cannot call her anymore to tell her about new appointments or funny symptoms. I also missed her a lot when we were in the south of France two weeks ago, my dad (and his new girlfriend, but that's a whole other story) were with us - we were housesitting a friends' of my parents house. Our toddler just got over a stomach flu and was still waking up every morning at six (luckily he's now back to his usual routine of 7:30 am). Taking him to our bed for some extra snooze time was no option - he wanted to get up and mommy had to come with him. So I watched Sesame Street with my son while the rest of the house was still asleep, I made him a bottle and myself a cup of tea, and I longed for my mom, who was always an early riser, and who would have gotten up if she had heard us and made us some breakfast. Now the other adults didn't show their faces until two or three hours later (when my son and I felt ready to take a nap!).

Nauseous

2011-06-01T11:17:00.003+02:00

Yeah... but most probably not pregnancy-related morning sickness but a stomach bug picked up from my toddler, who's been sick since Sunday evening.

Hubby wasn't feeling too great this morning either. Timing could hardly be worse - we're leaving tomorrow for the south of France for the long Ascension Day Weekend...

Ugh.

5w4d - first scan

2011-05-28T08:09:00.000+02:00

Yesterday we had our first ultrasound scan. Meet my little over-achiever! At 5w4d we saw a gestational sac (8,7 mm although the printed report later said 18 mm?!?), a yolk sack, and then a fetal pole of somewhere between 1.7 and 1.9 mm with a tiny flicker of a heart beat! Still too early to measure the heart rate, but it was there and oh, it felt soooo good to see it on the screen!

We went for a some coffee/tea with cake afterwards to celebrate.

My next appointments are as a 'regular pregnant woman': checkup with the OB on June 20th, next ultrasound on July 13.

The rest of the day was very stressful because of work and at the end of the day I felt like a complete professional failure (but that's something for a separate post, or not). And then when hubby came home he got mad because I had told his sister (whom he doesn't want to speak to anymore because of something that happened last summer) about the pregnancy. Ugh.

Third beta and some ramblings

2011-05-25T10:16:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I went to the lab for my third and final beta: 1626! So still with a steady doubling time around 41 hours. All is good.

This also means I've graduated from my RE - we're on our own for our first scan, even though the RE would like to be kept updated (I still don't understand why they don't do the first scan at their clinic and then hand you over to your regular OBGYN, but oh, well, that's French logic for you).

With the first pregnancy this took me by surprise, but of course now I was prepared, so I booked the scan as soon as the results of my second beta were in. I go to separate OBs for the checkups and the scans (my OBGYN, who's actually a GP, but does mainly OBGYN and pediatrics, doesn't have u/s equipment). Both are always overbooked. So while I was thinking about a scan in the week of June 6 (we're away the week before), the 'u/s OB' proposed this Friday, which surprised me, because it's really early (5w4d), but she assured me it would be a good time to check the development and said that we might even be able to see a heartbeat. So I took the appointment, figuring that if we wouldn't see a heartbeat yet, I could try to get a second scan two weeks later. (My first regular OB appointment is not until June 20).

Of course, because I have nothing better to do, I consulted Dr Google on this as well, resulting in very vivid and strange dreams (one time even a nightmare involving my toddler, I will spare you the details, but I was quite shaken when I woke up) on the subject for the past couple of days/nights.

I POAS a total of three times (the day of my first beta, right between beta #1 and beta #2 and right between beta #2 and beta #3) and every time I look at those different gradations in intensity of the second line it puts a smile on my face.

Some minor symptoms are appearing as well. I love taking an afternoon nap, but at night I am often full of energy, feeling really happy, and I have difficulty falling asleep. My breasts don't hurt, but they seem to have become a bit firmer (after being a bit 'sloppy' as a result of eight months of breastfeeding), which is not a bad thing. I'm becoming more moody, which isn't helped at all by my toddler's "terrible two" tantrums. And generally I prefer sweat pants and comfy shirts to anything else (but I'll wear them only around the house, this is France after all!), much to hubby's dismay.

Second beta

2011-05-20T14:26:00.005+02:00

Just got the results from my second beta test this morning: 337! This means a doubling time of 41.19 hours. I will have a third and final beta on Tuesday and then a first u/s next week Friday (5w4d).

The results are in...

2011-05-16T14:09:00.003+02:00

My first beta, at 12dp2dt is 67!!!

Woohoo - first beta with IVF#1 was 55, so I find 67 to be a great number (I read somewhere that FETs give lower betas? Well not in my case)! Second beta will be on Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for great doubling numbers...

OMG!

2011-05-16T11:25:00.004+02:00

I had to pee after having my blood drawn, there was a HPT in my bag, so I thought "what the heck", and used it. And OMG, a second line appeared!

I sat on the metro with a stupid grin on my face.

Now just, please, don't let this be a residue from the booster shot I had last week... I googled it and apparently it takes 24 hours to get 1000 IU of a HCG booster shot out of your system. I had a 1500 IU shot last Tuesday, so that should be gone by now, right..?!?!

Lab results will be in at 2 pm.

At the lab

2011-05-16T09:54:00.002+02:00

Should have gone in earlier. Waiting room is packed...

I kept to my own promise not to POAS. Maybe I'll do it just after I get my blood drawn, but HPTs have pretty much always meant disaster for me, so I'm not sure... too afraid to see only one line. No AF yet, but usually that would be 15dpo, so not until tomorrow.

HCG booster shot

2011-05-11T10:22:00.005+02:00

First of all, thank you for all your words of encouragement on my previous post, it means a lot to me!

Yesterday morning I had to get my blood drawn for an estradiol level check. This time I went to the clinic's lab and I was so glad I did - blood drawn around 7:30 am, results in by noon, much better turnaround time than the lab around the corner from where I live.

The deal with the estradiol level check is that if it's under 500 pg/ml, you have to get a 1500 IU HCG boosters shot. With IVF#1 it was 1980, with IVF#2 it was >1000, but this time the level was 324 pg/ml. Of course this first freaked me out completely, but then I realized that with the two fresh cycles, my estradiol level at trigger time was near 3000 because of all the stimming. This time there had been a little stimming, but not nearly as much as with a fresh cycle, and my estradiol level the day before triggering was at 304 pg/ml, so I guess it would only be logical that my current level wouldn't be so high either.

So I called a nurse to make an appointment for the shot - she would come by around 6 pm, enough time for me to let my son have his afternoon nap and get the meds at the pharmacy afterward. We came home from our little walk to the pharmacy (with tricycle, uphill, so a normal 10 minute walk now took us almost an hour - the way back went a lot faster, although there were the usual distractions of phone booths, parking meters, garage doors that would or wouldn't open, etc.) just before the nurse arrived about 20 minutes before schedule.

She gave me the shot, but when I looked at the box I was confused - she had used two ampules, but there were still 10 left in the box. Why? In case you screw up? There was only one syringe provided and the two ampules she used (powder and solvent) were sufficient for the 1500 IU, but still, those things make me nervous. I just don't get pharmaceutical companies.

Other than that I have nothing to report, no new symptoms, nothing.

5dp2dt - too normal

2011-05-09T15:35:00.003+02:00

I don't really have anything to report. I'm feeling fine. No symptoms whatsoever, except for the occasional lower back pain and light abdominal cramping. I'm already starting to think about a next fresh IVF cycle...

Relaxing

2011-05-05T20:47:00.004+02:00

My RE doesn't believe in (bed)rest after transfer, and I don't really think it makes a difference either, but after bringing my son to the sitter, buying groceries and getting my post-transfer prescriptions filled, I got home, and I didn't really feel like doing anything (besides reading blogs). So I did this:

Btw, the book is totally awesome (but in Dutch, and I don't think it was translated into English). It's called "Letters to Sleeping Beauty" - every day of the year, for an entire year, the prince, who's on his way to kiss Sleeping Beauty, writes her a letter. One day optimistic, the next desperate, etc. - very humorous and philosophical.

Another award!

2011-05-05T13:13:00.002+02:00

Wow, it really is award season in blog land! The amazing St. Elsewhere, from My Lady of the Lantern, awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award.

It's about the same exercise as for the Versatile Blogger Award:

*Put the image on your blog
*Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award
*Say seven things about yourself
*Pass the award on to 10-15 other bloggers you feel deserve this award

*Contact the awarded bloggers to let them know they've won

With the first two items covered, here we go for seven things about me:

I cannot stand it when someone is wrong, I always have to correct them. My sister refers to this habit as me saying "no, it's not like that!" (which I said to her when I was four).
I am very much my mother's daughter. I realize that even more now that she's gone.
I find it hard to just sit down and relax (a habit inherited from my dad, and rooted in Dutch calvinism).
There is one lady at my pharmacy who's super nice and caring regarding my IF journey, but somehow I have the feeling she jinxes my chances (because I've been having BFNs every time she gave me my meds) - I almost walked out when I came in this morning to get my post-transfer prescription filled and saw her behind the counter. But then I told myself I'm not superstitious and went in anyway.
When we just moved here I was absolutely not into the warm meals for lunch (that last for two hours), but recently my ham, cheese, and peanut butter sandwiches have become increasingly boring.
I should be doing some serious work instead of spending so much time blogging, but especially during the 2ww I just can't seem to concentrate on anything else.
I wish the sea was still only a bike ride away.

I'll now pass this award on to:

(insert pause for a commercial break)

And I'll keep it at that. It was hard enough to get to 15 blogs for the previous award show...

PUPO

2011-05-04T16:03:00.000+02:00

Today was transfer day of our lone frozen embryo. I put on a necklace and earrings that belonged to my mother - somehow I needed her to be there with me today, especially since hubby couldn't accompany me either because he's in China for work.

Before I headed off to the clinic I had to call the embryologist to hear if it survived the thaw. Yes it did! Pfew, first hurdle taken.

I had to be at the clinic at 11:30 am. Was well on time, but unfortunately everyone else seemed to be running late. A little after noon the embryologist finally called me in, went through the paperwork, gave me a report of today's transfer to put in my file, and sent me on to the next waiting room, where I had to wait for the RE. Apparently I was the only one having a transfer today as the waiting room was completely empty and had to wait another 40 minutes before the RE finally arrived.

This time no u/s guided transfer, like with IVF#2, but a 'simple' transfer (that's how it's described on the report the embryologist gave me), done by my own RE. In a way I'm glad, because this is how it went with IVF#1 and that one worked (no, I'm not superstitious...).

The RE told me I could get up and dressed whenever I wanted. I stayed down for about five minutes, talking to my little embryo and tearing up when I told it he/she had an amazing bigger brother. Got dressed, went to the secretary to pay for Friday's u/s, Saturday's trigger and today's transfer and got my post-FET prescription. Had planned to have lunch with a friend who works close to the clinic, but since everything happened so much later than scheduled, she didn't have time anymore, so I went home.

Took my first baby aspirin this afternoon and will continue the progesterone suppositories that I started two days ago. First beta is in 12 days. I've promised myself that I will not POAS if my breast won't get sore, because that's the early sign my body gives me when I'm pregnant (said she who's only been pregnant once).

It's award season again!

2011-05-02T22:27:00.002+02:00

Awards were handed out left and right during last week's ICLW and I was the lucky recipient of the Versatile Blogger Award, thanks to two wonderful ladies - Krissi @ Stress Free Infertility, and Summastarlet @ Just us... For Now.

With blog awards come rules, so here they are:

A) Grab the award: Done (see picture above);

B) Link back to the person who gave it to you: Krissi and Summastarlet (see above);

C) Share 10 things about yourself: I'm going to be really lazy here and link back to a) my IF ABC post, and b) a post from over two years ago when I received the Honest Scrap and Sisterhood Awards and had to perform a similar exercise;

D) Award 15 recently discovered blogs: wow, that's a lot - and many of my recently discovered blogs were also showered with awards last week, but luckily I also gained a few new commenters and followers, so hopefully the list below doesn't contain any repeat award winners. So without further ado, here are the winners (in no particular order):

The Barreness @ The Barreness's Blog
Joey @ The Childless Mom
Valery @ POF and now what
Fran @ Everyone Else But Me
Mr Thompson and me @ Viva la vida
Tami @ Just one more thing…
OliveLEAH @ Olive You
Chon @ My Path to Insanity & Beyond
tintedsky @ Waiting for u, baby
uneggsplained @ uneggsplained infertility
Angela and David @ a toddler, a triathlete and an entrepreneur
Lucy @ Diaries by Lucy
Lora @ Every day is a winding road
Jill's Infertility Document @ Infertility Unexplained
Kelli @ Cinderella wore glass slippers

and

E) let them know you awarded them - will do that tomorrow, time to go to sleep now.

Transfer date set

2011-04-29T20:30:00.003+02:00

Went to the clinic this morning for blood work (LH and E2) and u/s to see where we are in preparation for our FET. The RE was very happy - everything looked fine - lining was around 7.5 mm, so she said probably two more days of Puregon, then triggering on Sunday and transfer on Thursday, but she would confirm (or change) that later after she'd seen the results from the blood work.

The secretary called me around 5 pm to say that I should indeed take another shot of Puregon tonight (this time 75 IU instead of 100) but then trigger tomorrow and so the FET will be on Wednesday (providing our lonely embryo will survive the thaw). As I was in the car when she called I forgot to ask about my E2 and LH levels. I have to call the clinic on Tuesday to hear at what time I'm expected on Wednesday (both my sister's and my SIL's birthday - hopefully that's a good sign) and then the lab on Wednesday morning to see what the status is.

Infertility Myth: when all tests come back normal, you're just not trying hard enough

2011-04-26T21:41:00.006+02:00

BUSTED! There is such a thing as "unexplained infertility" - many of us in the IF community are diagnosed with it, and me and my hubby part of that group.

It is, however, a very difficult diagnosis - even though it still keeps all options open regarding treatment, it brings with it a big test in self confidence. I delayed fertility treatments because of nothing showing up on the tests, of everything being normal - and for not getting the real diagnosis until much later. After each test coming back normal, there would be someone in my entourage saying "just relax", "take a vacation", "wear some nice lingerie and drink a glass of wine". Or, probably even worse: "you're probably not trying hard enough" - it's a big slap in the face when you're hearing this while your marriage is almost falling apart because you've been charting, using OPKs, checked your CM, put a pillow under your butt, stood on your head, demanded your hubby to reschedule his business trips because of your monthly fertile window, which all resulted in sex having almost nothing to do with love making anymore but just becoming a chore.

But still, sometimes I have this weird guilty feeling, thinking that probably we really didn't try hard enough. We stopped the charting, the OPKs, the CM checks, and tried to go back to normal love making, because we didn't want our marriage to fall apart. Did we really do everything possible in trying to become pregnant naturally?

And then I have to remind myself, that yes, we did try hard enough, if we hadn't, then at least one of those six failed IUIs should have worked. No, infertility, even if there is no medical explanation, is a disease, and it has nothing to do with not trying hard enough.

This post is part of the "bust an infertility myth challenge" in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week® (and by doing so I'm trying to expand it from National to International, as I'm in France!). To get a basic understanding of infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility 101 website. For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week®, please visit the NIAW website.

IF ABC

2011-04-22T10:37:00.008+02:00

I found this on Liz's blog and thought it would be nice to fill out, especially during ICLW.

A. Age when you started TTC: me 29, hubby 35
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: sex
C. Children wanted: when I was still blissfully ignorant about our IF problems: 3 or 4. When going through IF treatments (and getting BFN after BFN): one would be great. After birth of our son: two would be wonderful. When hitting a low due to sleep deprivation and stress around the time my son was 4-7 months old: one is enough. When he started sleeping through the nights: two would be wonderful. When we were doing IVF#2 and we transferred two great embryos and put one in the freezer: four might still be possible! After the BFN: two would be wonderful, but maybe we'll have to be content with one.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: none
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: prenatal vitamins. Have been taking them since starting TTC.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: clomid, decapeptyl, enantone, puregon, orgalutran, ovitrelle, utrogestan.
G. Gain: didn't gain anything during IUIs and first IVF, then lost lot of weight after birth of my son (about 8 kg - due to sleep deprivation and stress), lost a bit more when my mom died. Gained about 3-4 kg around the time of IVF#2, but don't know if it was related to the IF meds, or just my body getting back to normal after too much weight loss.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Had a sonohysterogram in the US and then a fertiloscopy here in France, which is an invention by my RE and basically is a trans-vaginal laparoscopy, which combines Lap and Dye, Salpingoscopy and Microsalpingoscopy (MSC) and Hysteroscopy.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "We weren't even trying"
J. Job title: proofreader/editor (or whatever I like to call it - I freelance)
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: already happened - my mom's middle name. My sister took it for her daughter.
L. Length of time TTC: 5 years
M. Miscarriages: none
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: not counting the switches due to our transatlantic moves, I switched OBGYN here in France once. Still with same RE.
O. Ovarian quality: good (but I'm getting older…)
P. POAS or wait for AF: wait. Every time I did cave in and POAS it was a disaster.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Now I cannot properly celebrate my 30th birthday (read: with lots of alcohol) because I'm pregnant" (said by someone who got pregnant on her honeymoon)
S. Sperm: nothing wrong with it
T. Time you tried naturally: 1.5 years before clomid cycle in US, then again 2+ years before first IUI in France (now that I write that down I can't believe we wasted so much time, especially the second period, but oh well, it is what it is…)
U. Uterus quality: fine
V. Vagina: would like some more privacy
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: lots, as we have a now almost 2 year old running around.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My parents, my sister, two or three friends, and my blog readers.
Y. Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes, even though I wonder if it's really necessary.
Z. Zits: Not too bad - but always a few to show that either AF or ovulation is around the corner.

Statistics

2011-04-20T14:31:00.001+02:00

Is what I got as answers from the RE to my questions about our failed IVF#2 and plans for FET#1 when we met with him on April 7.

(He actually tried to end the consult after five minutes, by saying, "so you don't have any questions?")

Chance that the embryo won't survive the thaw? Yes, there's that chance. We won't know until the morning of the transfer. Next.
Why did IVF#1 work and IVF#2 not? Well - there's only about a 30% chance of it working anyway, last time you were so lucky to be in that 30%, this time you were in the 70%. Next.
Would assisted hatching be an option for the FET or a next IVF? Well, we do offer that technique here, but you'd have to talk to the embryologist to discuss whether if it's something they'd do in your case. Next.
Would the day 2 transfer (of our failed IVF) versus the day 3 transfer (of our successful IVF) have played any role in the result? Well, it's up to the embryologists to decide when to set the transfer date.

OK, so... I wasted time and money with that consult, I would have been better of making an appointment with one of the embryologists (who are both very friendly and even though they are excellent scientists, they are less scientific in their doctor-patient relationship than our RE).

Luckily they are also very willing to talk to you over the phone, which I did a few days ago.

My main question I wanted answered was about the assisted hatching, as it would be relevant for the upcoming FET. Well, his answer was that they do it on occasion, but only after multiple IVF failures. As we've only had one failed IVF, we do not fall into that category (yet) and would have to have at least two or three failed cycles before they might consider this option.

I then also asked about the possible different outcome because day 2 transfer versus day 3 transfer and he said (yes, another statistic) that their lab gets the same percentage of pregnancies with day 2 or day 3 (and he explained to me that they usually do day 2 transfers, but if ER is on a Friday, then ET is on a Monday, so then it will be a day 3 transfer), so that it makes absolutely no difference. The only difference is between day 2/3 or day 5, when the embryos have developed into blastocysts - and that that could be a point of discussion for us if the upcoming FET will be unsuccessful as well.

He told me that for the moment, the only real risk is the frozen embryo not surviving the thaw, and since we only have one, that would mean the FET would be cancelled at the last minute. I'm well aware of that risk, but there's unfortunately nothing I (or anyone else) can do about it, so we'll just keep our fingers crossed and hope that our frosty is as strong as that little embryo in 2008 which turned into our gorgeous toddler.

AF just showed her face, so I called the RE's office to let them know. FET#1 is officially on!

The Dollars and $ense of Family Building

2011-04-19T11:00:00.025+02:00

This post is part of an initiative by Write Mind Open Heart and Baby Smiling in Back Seat. The financial part of my story will no doubt be very different from those of most other participants, as I live in France and therefore enjoy the benefits of the French government healthcare system, which is very generous when it comes to ART.

There are two parts to this post – first an overview of my personal family-building process (with some special attention to finances) and second a Q&A part (questions provided by BabySmiling and Lori Lavender Luz).

Background story:
We started our TTC journey when living in the US. When I finally dragged myself to the OB to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant, we were 1.5 years along. Apart from several tests (for both me and hubby) and a first Clomid cycle, we didn't consult with an RE an didn't embark on any ART treatments. This had nothing to do with finances, but with emotions. All tests had come back normal, so I was still in complete denial that something was wrong. I still listened to people who said I should just relax. No-one had really sat me down and uttered the words “unexplained infertility”. Besides, we were planning on making our second transatlantic move and I didn't feel like starting all kinds of treatments a few months before moving.

The new country (with its own culture, language, job search rules) took quite some time and energy to get adjusted to. By the time I felt like finding an OB we had been there for six months. By the time I'd built a little network and got a referral to a great RE (the OB sucked and wasted too much of my time), our first French year had passed... By the time I finally convinced myself that yes, despite all the normal test results, if I wanted to have a baby I should really get some medical assistance, we were definitely “tourist off” and finishing our second year of French live.

We talked with our RE about the options. IUI or IVF. He suggested starting with IUI, being a lot less invasive than IVF and that sounded great to us (still struggling emotionally with doing all of this, absolutely not ready for IVF yet). The government health care system would reimburse a total of six IUIs and four IVFs in our attempt to have a baby.

We did the first three IUIs in a row. All BFNs. Then we had a break, took a nice vacation, and on the plane back home I just didn't want to deal with it all anymore and was in no place emotionally to start IVF. So we opted for another three IUIs... Well, what a waste of time (and taxpayers' money, but I couldn't - and still can't - care less). Again, three IUIs in a row, again three BFNs.

Finally, after five years of TTC and three years in France, we started IVF#1. And lo and behold, I got a BFP and am now the proud mommy of a gorgeous toddler. I did a post at the time about the total cost of an IVF cycle in France. If interested, you can find it here (I think some rates have gone up a bit and I might have forgotten some costs of the hospitalization for ER (which were all covered), so I'll try redo one for IVF#2 soon).

We would love to bring a second child into our family, so we started IVF#2 last February, which unfortunately resulted in a BFN. We had one embryo frozen and should be going for FET#1 as soon as AF arrives again.

Q&A:

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?
I hope that we can explain to them – and that they will understand - the difficulty we had in conceiving them, that we paid a higher price (financially and emotionally) for them than couples who had no difficulty conceiving and that they made (and still make) us so incredibly happy. Plus that they will go through life aware of and sensitive to the fact that being able to have children is a real gift, not readily available to everyone.
How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, "Mom, how much did I cost?" How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?
I would be extremely surprised if my child would ask that at age 7, mainly because ART treatments are very well covered within the French government health care system, so the financial aspect would not really be a topic of conversation that he/she could have picked up somewhere and then ask me about it. At age 18 it would be a possibility, as by then I think my child would know exactly what it took us to bring him into the world and therefore I would be completely open and frank about the financial aspect as well (in our case, the question could also be “mom, how much taxpayers' money was spent on me?”).
When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn't directly lead to your child's existence in your life, such as cycles that didn't work, adoption outreach avenues that didn't work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?
My initial reaction would be to just calculate the costs of the cycle(s) that resulted in the pregnancy and subsequent birth of my child(ren). But when I would look at it as a whole (after deciding that our family-building journey has finished, whether by our own free will or due to health or insurance constraints), I think I would add everything up, all the testing, the six failed IUIs, the first successful IVF, the second failed IVF, and any future ART cycles we would have had...
To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional...?
When we were still living in the US, I never really thought about what the financial impact would be if we would have continued with treatments after the initial Clomid Challenge Test. Had I been emotionally more ready, it would of course have been something to make us pause. The bills for the few tests did make me realize once more that health care was so much more expensive in the US than what we were used to in the Netherlands, but part of it was covered by our PPO and we had no problem paying the remaining sum. I often thought that I wasted so much time with this 'not being ready', but I guess financially it has been a good thing that we waited until we were in France.
Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.
When we decided to move from the US to France, it had absolutely nothing to do with the financial aspects of ART, but you'd almost think it did! We are extremely grateful for living in a country where ART treatments are so well covered by the government healthcare system. For that (and for the 30 vacation days a year, and being closer to our relatives, and a number of other reasons), we happily gave up at least half of our salaries... The details of the French deal: everyone who legally lives in France is covered under its government health care system. ART treatments are covered for 100% (but there is a cap per treatment or consult and many clinics have set their prices higher than what the government health care plan covers – for that there are additional insurances that you can either get as an individual or through your employer – we have the latter). An IVF cycle counts as one if there has been ER. Any FET is for insurance purposes part of the previous IVF cycle and has to be done before you can try for another fresh cycle. Also, if you have conceived through IVF, and you want/need to use it again to try for baby #2, the clock will be reset and you can again try four times. We do always pay great attention when our employers are about to change plans on the additional insurance and will vote against it if the proposed plan includes less coverage for ART treatments.
Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?
My answer is a bit the other way around, as we were already in a foreign country. When we were starting the ART treatments here in France, I briefly thought about how it might be easier to be back in the Netherlands for this, especially because of language nuances on such emotionally charged procedures. But insurance-wise it would have been hell, and medically I prefer to be in France too to be honest (as Holland often has long waiting lists before you can even do your first IVF, ER without anesthesia, only pee sticks and no beta tests to find out if it worked, etc.).

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1st, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

Finding a friend

2011-04-13T16:26:00.003+02:00

It's CD36 today and still no AF yet. Apparently my body needs some more time to recuperate before I can inject it with hormones again, which is fine. The only thing that's slightly annoying is that I cannot plan any getaways right now (we'll have a long weekend coming up for Easter and have had two invitations to which I don't know what to respond) as I don't know if we'll be in the middle of our FET or not. But that's just minor.

I had intended to write something about the whole PETA affair (see http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/ for more details if you don't know what I'm talking about), but just didn't have enough down time to find the right words for that.

I did post the FB blurb about Infertility Awareness Month on my FB Wall. And guess what? A neighbor, whom I'm also FB friends with, sent me a message, asking how long it had taken us to have our son. Turns out she had 5 failed IUIs, 3 IVFs before having her son and 5 failed IVF in an attempt to have a second child. I'm so glad she reached out. Even though the whole IF blogosphere is such a great help to me, it is wonderful to know that there is someone in my own building, whom I like a lot, who knows exactly what it feels like, and on whose door I can knock when I'm tired of other neighbors or nannies etc telling me that a BFN doesnt' matter, and that we should just try again. So yay for FB.

Random thoughts

2011-04-05T10:38:00.004+02:00

It's CD27, I'm anxious to start our FET, but I think my body is asking me to be a bit more patient. AF lasted almost until CD10 after the failed IVF, based on my CM I would say that I ovulated last week, but this morning I had this typical ovulation pain on the right side, so who knows what's happening right now (I didn't take any OPT). Consult with the RE is on Thursday (but he will not do any u/s or bloodwork, just talk for 10 minutes and charge me 70 euros).

I don't really know what to expect of his FET. We only have one embryo frozen, how big is the chance it won't thaw properly? It's the same Grade A excellent quality as one of the embies that was transferred for IVF#2 - which didn't make it. So why should I believe its frozen brother or sister will have a better chance?

With IVF#1 I was hopeful, but didn't expect much - we had six failed IUIs behind us, so BFN had become the norm. But it worked... Then with IVF#2 I was worried that they wouldn't be able to retrieve any eggs - there were less than the first time, but still a decent amount. Then I worried that they wouldn't fertilize - but they did, and actually better than the first time. So when those hurdles were taken, and we had three perfect embryos, I was convinced that it was going to work, just like last time, and that I might even be pregnant with twins.

So the BFN hit me hard. I felt exactly the way Sarah described it in her comment on my previous post. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm a bit pessimistic, it might work better (oh, the logic of an IFer...).

The insurance stuff is almost sorted. I got a confirmation for one of the forms I'd sent them copies of, but nothing had been reimbursed yet. So I called to check what happened to the other form and when I could expect to be paid back. Well, turns out they OK'ed all procedures (for both forms), but just bothered to send a confirmation for one. And regarding the payment - I have to send them back the printout of their electronic file before I can get paid. That's insane! We have an insurance card with electronic chip, which means that payments are automatically transferred from whichever medical office you're paying your bill for, to your insurance company and you will be reimbursed with a transfer directly into your bank account - no paperwork, no checks in the mail, everything electronic. Now I have to send them back a printout of these payments that were on-hold instead of that they just click a checkbox or whatever in their software at the same time that they OK the forms... Of course I did send the printouts back, because I want to be paid ASAP, but this is bureaucracy at its finest I must say.

FET plans and insurance stuff

2011-03-14T15:27:00.006+01:00

When I picked my son up at the nanny's on Friday afternoon, I finally told her about the failed IVF. But I immediately wished I hadn't, because the reaction I got was so full of all the well-know clichés ("oh, just try again; you know, I know of this couple who tried everything, even adoption, then went on vacation, and tadaa, she was pregnant; the mother of one of the other kids she takes care of also had 'help' with kid #1, but then kid #2 came naturally, and then she had a m/c with kid #3 and they decided they that was it..."). I don't know why I had expected anything else, after all she's not the brightest of people (but even bright fertiles can say stupid things - my neighbor, who graciously helped out taking care of our son when we had to be at the clinic at 7 am for ER - also said something like "oh, it doesn't matter, just try again").

When I told my dad about it over the weekend, he had quite a good remark though: "maybe they just didn't know how to deal with your grief at that moment" (he must have been in similar situations since my mom died...). I guess he's right, but I also think that many people just don't understand that we IFers can really grief about a BFN. For me personally this BFN after IVF was a lot harder that the BFNs after IUIs (or timed IC), because with those I never even knew if fertilization had taken place at all, whereas here I had seen those two beautiful embryos...

On Saturday the paperwork for FET #1 came in the mail. A form to send to the insurance company so they'll reimburse the procedure + preceding u/s, bloodwork etc., a statement to sign for the clinic demanding the FET for our own couple (and thus proving we're still a couple, because, if you're not, then French law doesn't allow it), and the prescription. The treatment doesn't start on CD04, as the assistant had told me on Friday, but on CD07: 100 IU of Puregon on CD07, CD08 and CD09, then go in for first u/s and blood work on CD10 - continue until RE deems me 'ready' (no idea how long that would be - similar to IUI cycle?) - trigger - start progesterone suppositories two days later, (and ET also around that day?). So having read this I think I could have waited until my RE appointment on April 7 with getting all the paperwork and still cycle in April, but I'm still glad I already got everything, so now I know a little bit what to expect from the FET and I can get the paperwork to the insurance company well in time.

Regarding insurance paperwork - when we started to gear up for IVF #2, back in October, I was waiting for a confirmation from the state run, mandatory, health insurance/social security that my insurance had been switched from the payment center for salaried persons to the one for independent workers. I had set up my own business in May 2010, but the French bureaucracy of course needs almost six months before acknowledging the change. So when we had to fill in the insurance forms, I had to fill out the information from my old payment center, because I didn't know the details of the new one yet. Of course I got the confirmation of the change a week later, so I sent a letter to both payment centers, asking to transfer my file, especially those forms concerning ART... After a few weeks I got a new statement from my new payment center - confirming the 100% reimbursement of all procedures/meds concerning ART. Didn't hear anything about the two other forms I filled out in October, but with those it says 'if you don't hear anything within two weeks after submitting them, consider it approved'. So I didn't think about it anymore.

We had our cancelled cycle in November (due to my mom's passing), then our real IVF #2 in February, and then last week (on the day I got my BFN) I get a letter from the payment center that they got a request for reimbursement for these procedures (u/s, ER, ET) and they don't have the forms, so they can't pay me... (luckily these procedures are not as prohibitively expensive as they are in the US, it's 'only' 434 euros, but I'd still like to get it back!). So I sent them a letter, with copies of the two forms, copies of the letters I sent them before, and hope that that's enough. But now I want to hold off sending the new form for the FET, because some procedures on there (like the u/s, and ET) are similar to the ones for the fresh cycle, and I'm sure that if I send the form now, they're going to think this is in response to their letter and then when we'll have our FET, they will again say that the form is missing... Hmm, I hope I won't get tangled up too much into this bureaucratic stuff. I tried to call them this morning, but after being on hold for almost five minutes, the computer told me they had too many incoming calls at that moment and hung up...

Afraid of losing time

2011-03-11T12:04:00.005+01:00

Today, without the distraction of my son (who's at the nanny's), is more difficult than yesterday. It started out OK, but then we arrived at the nanny's and I had intended to tell her about our failed IVF, so she would know why she had to take care of our son so much more than normal two weeks ago, and by doing so, hoping that her hurtful remarks that we should hurry up having a second baby would stop. But it wasn't the moment. Both her kids were there (preteen boy and teenage girl) and it just felt bad. So I just left.

Then I went to the lab to pick up my copy of Wednesday's beta test. While waiting, I saw that the lab technician who had drawn my blood on Wednesday was pregnant (I hadn't noticed on Wednesday). It stung. Somehow I had hoped that my beta would be super low, but still above 2 (so there might have been implantation), but it wasn't: <2.

I felt like crying when I left the lab. Back home I called the RE's office to make an appointment to discuss what went wrong with IVF #2 (not that I think he can enlighten me much on this) and what to expect from FET #1. I had called them yesterday as well, asking if a consult was necessary before the FET. The assistant said that it was up to me, but that she could also just mail me the prescription. Since I didn't think the RE would be able to say much about why IVF#2 failed, I opted to have the prescription mailed. But then hubby and I talked, and we decided it would be good to talk to the RE anyway (discuss why day 2 transfer, why day 2 frozen embryo, maybe even assisted hatching?), so that's why I called to make the appointment today.

Appointment is set for April 7 (earlier not possible). So the assistant said she would put away my file again and not mail me the FET prescription, because the RE would give it to me on April 7. After I'd hung up, my mind started racing again... what if next month's AF would show before the appointment, and I would thus run the risk of having to wait another month with the FET, because the treatment might start on CD01...?

Just the fact of looking into my agenda, thinking, ok, so maybe no FET until May, then if that fails, wait another month before being able to start IVF#3 (which I don't want to do at all right now), and with the long protocol, that would mean ER/ER late July/early August (hopefully just in time before the entire country, including RE and staff, would leave for a month of summer vacation)... which would mean my son would be almost three if and when that IVF attempt would be successful (plus, probably more importantly, I would be 38 by that time), made me cry.

After running around in circles for about an hour, I decided to call the RE's office again. Explained very apologetically what I was thinking/worried about and asked when treatment would start (CD04) and if she could maybe still mail me the subscription. "Comme vous voulez, Madame". OK, well, then, yes, please mail it to me (and I'm sorry for being such a nervous wreck - but I hope you understand a bit an IFer's mindset).

So I feel better about that now - and now that I wrote it all down (and thanks for reading my ramblings until the end), I should really get something done today - after all, this is supposed to be my work day.

Perfect day

2011-03-10T22:40:00.005+01:00

Despite my sadness over the BFN, today I spent a perfect day with my son - we laughed, we played, we cuddled, we sang, and we rode our bike (he in his seat in front of me, babbling, pointing at things, sometimes looking up at me so I could plant a kiss on his face) along the river in the beautiful sunshine. I'm so glad I have him, my little miracle.

So this song is for him...

Lost

2011-03-09T20:13:00.005+01:00

How desolate can one feel, at 6:15 am, staring at a pee stick, wishing for that second line to show up. Especially when just a moment ago, I woke from a nice dream in which that second line was definitely there.

I had an appointment at the lab at 9:15 for my first beta. I noticed some super light pink spotting before I left. Had my blood drawn. Went to Ikea to try to distract my mind. Felt crampy, with lower back pain. Typical first day menstrual symptoms.

I went to the bathroom. There was more blood. I cried.

Hubby decided not to return to work after our morning trip to Ikea, but to accompany me home. That was nice.

I called the lab at 4 pm. They confirmed what I already knew. I hugged hubby and cried more. I kept thinking about those two perfect 4-cell embryos that floated into my uterus, and then just died.

We picked up our son from the nanny's, and I thought about those two embryos again, what beautiful possibilities there could have been, what dreams I already made, but that were now gone forever.

Our son had fun playing with his friends, and didn't want to go home. The nanny made one of her typical innocent remarks, that we should just make another baby, so she could keep him. Hubby picked up our son, I turned away and cried behind my sunglasses.

I had a glass of wine with dinner. Maybe I'll have another one.

Cramps

2011-03-08T15:16:00.002+01:00

Ugh, been having menstrual-type cramping almost all day. No spotting or bleeding though, and I had this too the day before beta with the first pregnancy, so still hopeful. Would like to POAS, but no First Response or similar pee sticks for sale here, and if my beta tomorrow is as low as it was last time (55), I'm afraid the regular ClearBlue stick will give a negative result, even if I might be pregnant. So will not POAS until tomorrow am, before I go to the lab.

Time to vote!

2011-03-04T14:21:00.007+01:00

The poll to vote for your favorite limerick (mine, mine!) in the Limerick Chick 2011 contest is now open over at Write Mind Open Heart. Round 1, flight 1 (which includes my entry) is open until Sunday morning (EST I guess). Vote early and often!! ;-)

Poll: Which are your two favorite limericks from Flight 1? (Vote for 1 or 2.)

Edited on March 6: sadly I didn't make it to the final round (I came in second, just 5% shy of #1), but a big thanks to everyone who voted for me! Please vote for the other entries in flight two (poll now open) and three (poll opens March 8) and then pick a winner in the final round on March 11.

French precision

2011-03-02T20:39:00.004+01:00

I had to go to the lab this morning to get my blood drawn for an estradiol level check. If it would be below 500 pg/ml I would have to get a HCG booster shot... With IVF#1 my level was well above that (1982), but this time I wasn't so sure, as my boobs are still not sore (which starts freaking me out - to me this is the early sign of pregnancy, I had it with #1, but so far nothing this time). I first thought that if the level would be below 500, the chance of being pregnant would be about zero, but luckily, when I went through old emails I exchanged with a friend, I found out that she did have the hcg booster shot, and she had a successful pregnancy, so that eased my mind a bit.

It was very busy at the lab and the ladies were there usual charming self... I asked them at what time I could call for the results - important as if the level would indeed be below 500, I would have to go to the pharmacy to get the meds and then try to contact a nurse to give me the shot - they told me 3 pm.

So I called around 3:10 pm. "Are you sure the results would be ready at this time?" Yes, I asked this morning and you told me to call at 3... "Well, but normally we don't have the results before 4 pm". You told me to call at 3 pm, and I need to get this stuff sorted if my level is too low... After a few rounds of stupid music she finally came back to me to say that my level was above 1000. So no booster shot needed.

When I picked up my son at the nanny's around 5:30 pm I went by the lab to get the results (on paper this time). When she told me over the phone "over 1000" I assumed they hadn't completely finished testing or something and that the final number would be on the paper. No... the paper also says "> 1000". WFT? They can't give me a freaking number? I mean, it doesn't really matter, because it's over 500, so I don't need the shot, but come on, with IVF#1 they were able to give me an exact number, why not this time? You might wonder why I didn't ask them - well, she gave me the results in an envelope and I didn't open it until I was in the elevator on my way down again. As this was a tiny elevator, my son was freaking out (is afraid in small elevators since we almost got stuck in one a few weeks ago), so I didn't feel like going up again.

I'm really getting a bit fed up with this lab. This morning they also asked me twice what the date of my last period was. I told them, but I also said that it wasn't relevant, since I had a long IVF protocol... I'd prefer to have these IVF-related tests done at the clinic's lab - at least they don't ask stupid questions (like for the vaginal exam where the lab near my house manages to ask why I need this test done - do I have a yeast infection?) and they have their results a lot quicker than this lab. But the downside is that it's 30-45 minutes away by bus and metro while this other one is a 15-minute walk...

Anyway... I guess I'm happy that I didn't need the booster shot. Things seem to go OK inside me, at least as far as the lining is concerned... Still feeling bloated, slightly crampy sometimes, but not as much as last week, having night sweats and crazy dreams (but why don't my boobs hurt? - I googled a bit, apparently some women do have sore boobs with one pregnancy and not with the next. Hmm, ok, I hope I'm one of them then!). One more week until beta.

Limerick challenge

2011-02-28T13:15:00.007+01:00

I just found out through Baby Smiling in Back Seat that there's a limerick contest going on at Write Mind Open Heart (deadline today, so if you want to enter, hurry up). So of course I had to come up with something. It was a good distraction from the 2WW/WUB anxiety, but as you can see, it's still about the only thing on my mind right now...

The wait until beta is trying

Are my embryos sticking or dying?

But c'mon girl, you're strong

Just keep calm and carry on

One or two lines - I'm sure I'll be crying

Please vote for me! (voting opens March 4)!

Well...

2011-02-28T10:46:00.005+01:00

2WW/WUB is not making me a very happy woman...

Symptoms so far:

twinges/cramping in uterus/ovaries area
lower back pain
feeling bloated
crazy dreams
emotional / grumpy: yesterday I started crying because my 19-month old didn't want to eat his lunch (he even threw it on the floor), this morning I bitched at hubby for asking me all kinds of questions that I didn't know the answer too (they were of an organizational kind, and normally I respond that I'm going to look it up for him/take care of it, but this morning I just told him I didn't know and he had to figure it out himself - he was not happy).

Other than that, nothing, my breasts are still not hurting or anything, so I'm a bit pessimistic (even though I know it's still super early).

Images

2011-02-25T21:08:00.003+01:00

Two images keep floating into my head: the first is of the two embryos being brought into my uterus, the second one the photos of the three perfect 4-cell embryos the embryologist showed us before the transfer (no, we didn't get a copy).

These images make me happy. They also fill me with anxiety. I've followed enough blogs where I've seen photos of perfect looking embies, only to read a BFN report a few weeks later.

The anxiety is different than with IVF#1 - then, I was almost sure it would fail (but of course I hoped it wouldn't). Now, I sometimes wonder I'm too sure of it working, because the first one did.

I can hardly concentrate on anything besides reading IF blogs. I'm going back into my own blog archives to see what I wrote during the 2WW/WUB with IVF#1. Scold myself for not being more detailed (when did my breast get sore...?). Today I was sooo tired, but not being tired is more an exception than the rule since my baby was born, so it doesn't mean anything (although I do think I'm extra tired from all the emotions coming with ER and ET etc).

So yes, welcome back 2WW/WUB! Please don't drive me insane...

3 = 2 + 1

2011-02-24T15:21:00.003+01:00

Embryo transfer was today. Called the embryologist around 9 am to see if everything was still OK. Yes - she told me three embryos were 'interesting', more info when we would get there around 11:30 am.

So, all of the eight eggs fertilized (initially seven, but apparently there was a late bloomer...), of which three were perfect-looking 4-cell embryos, the others were rather messy and fragmented, so not usable. Two of the three would be transferred, and the third one frozen.

After we'd seen the embryologist we waited a little while before the RE led us into the transfer room. Everything went very smoothly. It was u/s guided this time, so it was kind of cool (and surreal) to see the two embryos floating into my uterus.

Got a prescription for progesterone suppositories (that I already started the evening of the ER), baby aspirin, and the bloodwork for later.

Had a nice lunch with hubby afterward. First beta will be on March 9.

Seven

2011-02-23T10:47:00.002+01:00

Just got off the phone with the embryologist. Seven eggs made it to the embryo stage. Yay! So much more than I expected, I dreaded the call because I was afraid they would tell me only two made it or something. Pfew! ET is probably tomorrow around 11:30 am, but I have to call the lab again tomorrow around 9 am to confirm.

And our lucky number is...

2011-02-22T20:18:00.002+01:00

...8!

So yes, egg retrieval was today. We got up very early, woke up the little man at 6:10 am, dropped him off at the neighbors at 6:30 am and took the car to the clinic, where we arrived just before 7 am. Had to wait a little before a nurse brought us to my room, that I was sharing with another woman also there for an ER. Got paperwork sorted, changed into the hospital gown, said goodbye to hubby who was off to the lab, and then someone already came to wheel me to the OR.

The nurse told me Dr Speed (reference to IVF #1, see the blog archives) would do the procedure. This time that didn't make me more stressed, but brought a smile on my face - and when he walked in belting an enthusiastic "bonjour messieurs'dames" and "ah, c'est ma fiancée" I was instantly relaxed.

The nurse brought in the IV for the anesthetic. She first tried near my wrist, but that was so painful that she gave up and used the inside of my elbow instead. The anesthesiologist was the same as I'd had for the consult and he was very nice, so everything was good. The anesthetic hurt though! Must be different stuff than time, but it worked immediately, because I didn't even have a sensation that I was drifting away - felt the pain when he put it through the IV and then next thing I know I woke up in the recovery room (or was it still the OR, I don't remember). It took me a few seconds before I knew where I was, I first thought I had overslept and missed the ER!

I stayed for about 20 minutes in the recovery room, which looked more like a hallway and was also used for impromptu meetings by the nursing staff. A bit too much chatter for my foggy head I must say...

Then I was wheeled back to my room (it was 8:15 am by then), where I drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour, then I felt a bit better, and after an initial glass of water they also brought me some breakfast, which was appreciated. In the meantime my roommate had been brought back into the room as well and now we were both waiting for the embryologist to come tell us what the harvest score would be, and after that for the nurse to take out the IV needle and the anesthesiologist to sign the discharge papers.

The embryologist came by between noon and 1 pm. Result: 8 eggs retrieved. A bit disappointed, but no big surprise as the RE had said on Friday that there were 7 (this in contrast to my roommate, who was told on Saturday there were six follicles, only to hear today that 22 were retrieved! So she was quite shocked - have the feeling someone did not pay attention along the way, somehow I was glad when I found out she's with a different RE team than I am). I have to call the lab tomorrow to ask how many were fertilized and at what time I have to come in for the transfer on Thursday (so 2-day transfer this time instead of 3-day). So now we have everything crossed that out of the eight eggs we'll get at least one or two decent embryos that can be transferred back and grow into a healthy baby. Here's hoping...

Anesthesiologist came at 2:15 pm. By that time both my roommate and I were bored out of our heads. We were finally home about an hour later. Felt very tired and slightly crampy. Will make it an early night tonight.

CD32 -Triggered

2011-02-20T22:08:00.003+01:00

Got myself the trigger shot tonight at 8:30 pm. I'm as ready as I can be and hoping for the best on Tuesday.

CD30 - getting pessimistic

2011-02-18T15:17:00.005+01:00

Well, everything is basically still as OK as the last few days, but today I asked the RE how many (usable) follicles we can count on, and the answer is seven (...).

Last time (yes, 2.5 years ago) they retrieved 14 (of which eight were fertilized, of which only two were good enough to be transferred). So I'm a bit scared that it won't work this time. I know you only need one great one, and some smaller ones could still mature over the coming two days, but hmm, I'm a bit blue. Oh, and for the records, estradiol level is 2621 pg/ml today.

But the good news is that we do have a date set for ER and it will be Tuesday, so exactly the same cycle length as last time, even though I'm reacting differently to the stimulation and the dose for the last few days is also much higher than for IVF #1. I guess that's due to being 2.5 years older than last time? So tonight and tomorrow night again 225 IU Puregon injections, then triggering Sunday night.

Update: the RE's secretary called to say I should change back to 150 IU Puregon for tonight and tomorrow night (based on my pretty high estrogen level).

CD29 - second u/s

2011-02-17T16:02:00.003+01:00

We all had to get up very early this morning so I could make the 7:30 am appointment at the clinic for u/s and blood draw and hubby could catch his 8 am TGV. This meant waking up our son at 6:30 am, which he did not appreciate at all - try to change his diaper and get him dressed while he was throwing a 'I don't want to wake up yet' tantrum, give him a bottle, deliver him to the neighbors (which hubby did, by that time I'd already left) who took him to the nanny... I was about 10 minutes early at the clinic, the female RE was there again and early as well, again just one person in front of me, so my turn was exactly at 7:30.

Lining was great at 8 mm. Then she looked at the follicles and first said ER would either be Saturday or Monday, but after closer inspection decided it would rather be Monday or Tuesday. I didn't ask the exact numbers but apart from a few that are already too big, there seem to be about five on each side which are now around 14 - 16 mm. I'll try to get more details tomorrow.

Got my blood work done right after that and just got the results: estrogen level is now at 1597 pg/ml.

I have to up my dose of Puregon from 150 IU to 225 IU tonight and then come back in for another u/s and blood draw tomorrow. When I asked the RE what time she said she didn't know yet. Told her about this morning with our little one. She told me I should just have asked to come in later, they could have taken me between patients... Secretary just called to confirm the dose for tonight and told me that the RE had mentioned I could come in at 11 am tomorrow (when she's starting her regular schedule)! Yeah, that relieves me of quite some organizational stress as hubby won't be back from his business trip until tomorrow evening. Have to get my blood work done earlier though, so they will have the results the same afternoon.

CD26 - First ultrasound

2011-02-14T16:27:00.004+01:00

I had to be at the clinic this morning at 9:30 for the first ultrasound and blood draw to see how the stimming is going. I was early, only one woman in front of me and the RE (a woman whom I hadn't met before) was early too, so everything went pretty fast. I didn't get exact numbers, but the RE murmered something of about five follicles on each side. I don't know if that means 10 in total or 10 usuable in total, because there were some that were already measuring 17 or 18 mm and she told me those would be 'discarded' and the focus would be on the ones now measuring around 13 mm. In any case, I seem to respond quicker to the drugs than two years ago - when after six days of stimming follicles were only measuring around 10 mm. My estradiol level seems to be telling the same story: 545 pg/ml (while two years ago it was 310 on the same cycle day). Don't know if this is a good or bad thing or that it really doesn't matter...

I have to continue with the daily 150 IU Puregon and come back for the next u/s on Thursday morning. This time at 7:30 am - which will be a bit of a logistical nightmare as this is a day our toddler normally doesn't go to the nanny and on top of that hubby will be away on business. So hopefully with the help of my neighbor, who's kids go to the same nanny, and some flexibility on the nanny's part, I will be able to get it all sorted out.

I also had a consult with the anesthesiologist and went by the admission's office for my pre-admission. Everything was fine, but I have to get some additional blood work (coagulation) done, but will do that on Thursday, didn't feel like getting stabbed with the needle twice within a one-hour period.

CD20 - stimming day 1

2011-02-08T21:12:00.002+01:00

Started with 150 IU Puregon again today. Six days at home (or actually on ski vacation right now!) and then going in for the first u/s on Monday. Same protocol as last time.

We met with the embryologist last Friday. Not much news, she went over our bloodwork and admin stuff again, same thing the RE did in October.

There was however one thing we wanted to check with her. Hubby's sperm test results in October showed some tiny presence of streptococus, so the RE had prescribed him antibiotics and to redo the test two weeks after the treatment. He did take the antibiotics right away, but could only redo the test a few weeks ago because of my mom's passing and everything. The result was about the same, so he again got a letter from the RE with a prescription for an antibiotics treatment. However, he had just taken one a few weeks ago, this time for dental surgery, so we were a little hesitant to start a third round of antibiotics when the previous two apparently hadn't done their work.

The doc still advised to take the antibiotics, but wait until I had been stimming for about four days, so the meds would still be active just before ER and there would't be strep in the culture used for the IVF. So that's what he'll do now, hopfully that will all work out OK.

WiseGuy and Lola

2011-01-24T10:29:00.003+01:00

My heart aches for WiseGuy, whose little Lola passed away two days after birth. WiseGuy was kept in the dark for almost a week. If you want to help remember Lola, please visit Kristin's blog.

We're on again!

2011-01-21T21:21:00.003+01:00

Yes! AF showed her face again yesterday after a 2+ month absence. I don't think I've ever been so excited about it (we IF'ers live weird lives). So IVF #2(bis) is on!

Went to the nurse yesterday with toddler in tow to get my decapeptyl shot. It was obvious to him the nurse was going to do something to his mommy and he didn't like it. Could not be distracted by the big empty syringe the nurse offered him to play with. Just held my leg and wanted a hug when it was over.

Stimming starts in 19 days (during our ski vacation, but hey, at least u/s won't be until a week later so I don't have to drive back and forth from the Alps, or worse, cancel the vacation, or even worse, postpone the cycle - which I was all nervous about when I booked the trip a few weeks ago)...

Waiting for AF

2011-01-09T10:45:00.003+01:00

Yes, that's right. After I had to cancel my cycle on November 16, I'm still waiting for AF to show up. Didn't think it would take that long. I now even realize more how all those hormone drugs (I assume especially the decapeptyl) mess up a woman's body. I want to start a new IVF cycle!! But hey, I guess I have to let nature take its course before I'm allowed to screw it up again...

My mom

2010-11-20T21:57:00.004+01:00

My mother passed away peacefully at home on Friday morning, after a four-month battle with cancer that we knew she couldn't win. We were able to say our goodbyes, and to be at her side until the end. She was only 64 years old. Way too young to die. I still can't believe she's gone. I will miss her so much.

Last June, at home with us, before she got sick.

Cycle canceled

2010-11-16T22:14:00.003+01:00

We drove to Holland yesterday. My dad called Sunday afternoon to tell me my mom had been asking for us. While we were driving up north, I called pharmacies in cities along the way to check if there might be one that would have some more Puregon for us (I only had enough for two or three more days of injections). Did find one in the end, which made us feel good, for just a short while. Arrived at my parents' place in the evening - even though my dad had told me she was doing much worse, I was still a bit shocked at how much sicker she was than when I last saw her, three weeks ago. I called my RE and we talked with my mom's physician this morning. She's entering the final stage - of course it might still take two or three weeks before she dies, but this is no time to leave her side. So... no injection tonight. We'll see when we can do another cycle.

CD21 - stimming has started!

2010-11-12T22:11:00.004+01:00

Started stimming yesterday - 150 IU of Puregon - same protocol as two years ago. First u/s will be next Wednesday. No jitters at all this time while taking the injections. Apparently I've become a pro.

I do however have a weird feeling for another reason this cycle - I don't know if we'll be able to finish it properly (i.e. with ER and ET) because my mom's situation is deteriorating fast, so the chance that we have to go to Holland to be at her side is growing by the day. She has already said that she wants it to be over, no more pain, no more suffering. I can understand that and I respect it, even though I don't want to lose my mom, but oh, please, I don't want to have to break off this cycle.

I thought about not starting the Puregon and postponing everything - called the RE's office, my GP, and talked to a good friend, plus of course hubby. The logical thing to do seemed to discontinue, start again in a few months time, but on the other hand, we shouldn't put our life on hold for something that we can't control. So we decided to continue after all. It felt good giving myself the shot yesterday and today. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Ugh

2010-10-31T14:18:00.004+01:00

Not feeling so great this weekend: headache, hot flashes, some nausea and a stuffy nose. First three symptoms seem to be the lovely side effects of the decapeptyl, the other one is a cold, with thanks to my son (who is in a far worse state than I am at the moment).

CD01

2010-10-23T22:05:00.006+02:00

AF showed up this morning which means we're on for IVF#2! Exciting and scary at the same time (I'm already worrying on what to do for babysitting the day of the ER when I have to be at the clinic at 7 am...).

We went to the RE again on Wednesday. This time he was busier than a month ago and we had to wait for an hour to see him for only five minutes. Oh well... Got all the forms signed and took prescriptions home for all the meds for the entire cycle. The sperm test showed hubby apparently has an infection somewhere, so he has been started on antibiotics and has to redo the test in about three weeks, but luckily that doesn't mean we had to hold off cycling for another month.

I thought my recent pap meant I didn't have to go to the lab to get a vaginal test like last time, but unfortunately I was wrong. So I scheduled that in yesterday because I didn't want to run the risk of having my period and then maybe getting the test results in too late for my REs liking. It was OK, sort of. I hate it that they always assume there's something wrong (yeast infection etc), and then you have to explain 'no no, it's just a preventive measure before the start of our IVF cycle'. I still don't understand why the RE can't do it himself.

I went to see a nurse this morning to give me the IM shot of Decapeptyl 3 mg (replacing the Enantone that I had to use two years ago). Stimming starts on CD20. So nothing much going on other than stupid cramps (thank you AF) and hubby a bit afraid of me being very grumpy for the coming three weeks.

Past experience comes in handy

2010-10-06T13:16:00.004+02:00

Before we meet again with our RE on October 20th, we have to get some tests done. I had my blood drawn last week, hubby still has to do his, which can be done at basically every medical lab in the city (of which there is one on almost every street corner here in France). But he also has to have his sperm tested again. Which of course he doesn't want do at a random lab, but at the one belonging to the fertility clinic. So he called... and they told him they didn't have space before October 28th, which of course isn't possible for us, as the RE needs to have the results on the 20th.

Luckily, we've done this before. And we know our RE. I remember several occasions where I would be in the waiting room, or in one of the transfer rooms, and he would come in, complaining to the biologists that nothing worked, etc. etc. So, I sent the RE an email, explaining the situation, asking if he could recommend another lab, or maybe find a spot at their own lab for us after all...?

Within an hour I got a call from the RE's secretary, who told me he had gone over to talk to the biologists (haha, I know exactly how that conversation went) and that we should call the lab again, ask for the biologist, tell him we spoke with the RE, say that it's urgent, and get our appointment fixed. If we still would have problems, we shouldn't hesitate to call or email the RE again. So I called. Appointment's set for next week Tuesday.

First appointment for IVF #2

2010-09-23T10:48:00.003+02:00

So yesterday we had our first appointment for IVF #2. The clinic had moved since we'd last been there in 2008, so it was all a bit new to us. We had expected a waiting time of at least 30 minutes, but it seemed like our RE is going through some meager times (or it was just a slow day yesterday), because we were seen almost immediately and his cell phone didn't ring either during the consult (which was always the case last time around, very annoying).

There are some tests to be redone (blood work for both of us, sperm for hubby, and pap for me, but luckily I have one scheduled two weeks from now with my OBGYN, so I don't have to do that at the lab like last time) and then we have another appointment in about a month (mandatory reflection time + time to get all the tests done and fill in the paperwork) and then we should be good to go at the end of October.

Of course we hope this time around will be as successful as last time, but to me it seems there is some extra pressure. My mom's cancer turned out much worse than initially thought: it has spread to her brain, so the prognosis is quite bleak (survival rate somewhere between two months and two years - for the moment she's doing ok and in fighting spirit). I hope she'll be able to hold another grandchild - our second child. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but it would be such a wonderful gift, to all of us.

Here we go again

2010-09-03T15:25:00.003+02:00

Well, of course there were friends, family, and my GP all saying that probably, for #2 it would all go the natural way. My body would now know what to do. Yeah, maybe, but so far it's not working and I don't want to wait (read: waste) another year or two. So I called the fertility clinic. Appointment's set for September 22nd.

Pieces of the puzzle...

2010-09-02T10:11:00.002+02:00

Two recent "Thoughtful Thursday" questions made me think and gave me reason for not just commenting on the posts but writing a bit more here on my own blog.

The first one is related to the TT from May 21, 2010 - which made me wonder if my infertility is a stand-alone thing or if there is a genetic link somewhere. There are two instances of known infertility in my family - my aunt didn't have any children because her husband had a fertility problem (and their marriage wasn't strong enough to endure the treatments) - but there is no blood connection between him and me, so that doesn't count. Then my maternal uncle and his wife were never able to conceive, but they never went to the doctor to find out why, so I don't know where the problem was for them. My dad and his siblings are all five years apart, which could be an indication of fertility problems, but I've never asked my paternal grandmother and don't think I will (as it's pretty impossible to talk about anything except the weather with her).

I know that I have some similarities in the woman's department with my maternal grandmother: we both experience(d) very painful menstruation cramps and carry our babies (well, I've only had one, so no idea if it would be the same for a second one) well past term, almost to 10 months. However, she had four children in a row (between 14 and 28 months apart), so she didn't seem to have any fertility problems. My parents' first child was stillborn and my mom had a miscarriage after that (probably because she got pregnant too soon after the first one - the only thing the stupid OBGYN had said to her was "I hope you'll get pregnant again very soon". So she did, and when she miscarried he scolded her for getting pregnant so soon...). My sister was TTCing for about two years before getting pregnant, which ended in a missed miscarriage. She then got pregnant about six months later and now has two beautiful children.

So... no definite clues for infertility problems, but there is a history of problems later in life with the reproductive organs on my mom's side of the family. Both her sisters had their uterus removed around the time of menopause (I don't know the exact reasons, but I think it was a bit of a 'better safe than sorry approach'). I think my grandma had something similar. My mom had polyps removed about 10 years ago and oh, I wish they had removed her uterus as well back then, because she has recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer, which has spread to the cervix and the surrounding lymph nodes. She is currently recovering from surgery where they removed everything and will have radiation therapy in a couple of weeks. We don't know what the future will bring.

When I consulted Dr Google just after her diagnosis, I found a list of 'possible causes' for this cancer. One of them is infertility... Which leads me to the other TT from April 29, 2010 that deals with possible future problems related to infertility (treatment). This made me wonder if every women on my mom's side of our family has to deal with some problems related to our reproductive organs at one point in life, and mine happens to be infertility, or if I should expect to be a future endometrial cancer candidate because of my infertility history. Of course I don't have the answer to this question, but it seems like some pieces of the puzzle are coming together, no idea what the final shape will be though. Time will probably tell.

Update on resolutions

2010-03-21T21:19:00.004+01:00

Well, about time for a bit more optimistic post since my last one which was pretty depressing. I'm doing a lot better now and as for the resolutions - I've got most of them covered.

Have been seeing a psychoanalyst for the past month and a half, it's interesting, to say the least. Baby has been taking the bottle for about the same time. Coincidence? Not really - a friend was babysitting when I went to see the therapist and she asked me if she should try to give my son the bottle - I said 'sure, good luck' and didn't believe she would manage - but she did - the next day he didn't want it from me, but two days later he accepted it from hubs and has been taking it ever since. What a relief! Still nursed evenings and mornings for a few weeks, until he refused to take the breast in the evening, than just early mornings, followed with a bottle including cereal around (our) breakfast time. But I haven't nursed the past three days because he woke up pretty late, so I guess the breastfeeding period will soon be completely over. Even though I wanted it, it's still kind of a weird feeling.

I've been taking yoga classes again as well - but only when hubby is not away on a business trip, don't find it important enough yet to get a babysitter for. Music is also on the program again - I can put my son in the playpen and play while facing him. The first time he looked quite startled, but now he just continues playing, and sometimes starts 'singing' along! I've also sent a message to my fellow musicians that I'm ready to take up the trio again, but haven't had a response back yet, hmm... maybe eight months was too long of a wait for them?

None of the daycare centers around the neighborhood had a free spot for my son (as the French system is all about equality, you can't just 'buy' a spot at a good center if you would have the money for it) but as of May I have a spot for 2.5 days a week with a nanny (at her home, with a maximum of four kids at a time) who also takes care of our neighbor's 2-year old girl. So that will be great, because I had a small work project for the past two weeks and it was nearly impossible to do - only time I could work was during naps, a little playtime and in the evenings. Took me a week longer than I had hoped.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-31T17:14:00.000+01:00

So... 2010 is just around the corner. 2009 was definitely the most beautiful year of my life, with the birth of our long-awaited baby. But the first few months of motherhood have not always been easy - I'm exhausted, for lack of sleep and stress about all kinds of things - the baby, but also things that have been brewing for years and years, things that probably contributed to the diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

I want my life back. I feel like I've lost myself. I love caring for my baby, but I need my own things too - some people say "you have to do what's best for your baby", but I have to do what's best for my baby and me. This is difficult, because after having given up a career, having struggled with IF for years, resulting in some lack of self-esteem, I find it absolutely amazing that there is this little human being that needs me, for whom I'm the most important person in the world. So I think that leads to me having difficulty handing things over when it comes to my baby, and not being able to switch off, even when someone else is caring for him, or when he's sleeping.

So I've made some New Year's Resolutions to change this situation, hopefully I can stick to them:

1. Make appointment with therapist
2. Try to get baby to accept bottle so I will have more freedom (and can drink wine again!)
3. Take up yoga classes again
4. Start making music again (alone and with the trio that I've more or less abandoned)
5. Try to get a daycare spot for baby for a few (half) days a week (our first request was denied) so I can do #3, #4 and #6 more easily
6. Start own business / freelancing

#1 is pretty scary, but I know it's necessary to get out of the vicious circles I'm in - I had hoped I could just talk to hubby and friends/family, but hubby made it clear the other day that he's willing to support me in whatever I choose to do, but since I don't make choices/decisions, but just keep going around in circles (and get info left and right, but don't do anything with it, other than becoming even more insecure), he says he can't help me right now. That was hard to hear. But I guess he's right.

I don't want to sound so depressed (but hey, this blog is my place to vent!), especially since I know how many women are out there still struggling with IF. I have the baby I longed for - but that just doesn't solve all my problems and I want to be as happy again as the first few weeks after his birth. I know it's possible, but I also know I'm the only one who can do something about it.

So that's my wish for 2010 - that I'm strong enough to change things so I can fully enjoy the beautiful gifts of life again.

"Just relax"

2009-11-12T12:58:00.005+01:00

Yes, right - the words I heard so often during TTC are back. I now have a baby, everything went fine the first two months, he was a model baby, slept great, ate well, grew well. Then he hit a growth spurt and ever since his sleeping has been worse and I started to stress. Then at the 4-month checkup my pediatrician said he hadn't gained enough weight, so I started to stress more. She talked about spacing out nursing / complement with a bottle. I asked around, got advice which basically said the doctor was nuts, so I kept things the way they were. Went back to the pediatrician today, no change, just me completely stressed out (because baby's demand for feedings increased too and his sleeping got worse) and almost in tears.

So... she told me I'm too stressed, I worry about things that are not important, therefore I can't take position, just ask around for advice, and don't get any further. She's so right, I don't know what to do, I don't want to be stressed, I want to enjoy my baby, but I'm turning around in circles. Oh man, why do I make it myself so difficult? Why can't I decide if I'm just going to continue breastfeeding, if I'm going to add a bottle now and then, or if I'm going to start with solids (even though my baby is hardly 4.5 months old - the doc recommends it because I didn't want to complement with a bottle, but now that I'm home I wonder if that wouldn't be better after all - maybe his current 'growth spurt' isn't a growth spurt (because he didn't grow) but just a sign that he's hungry all the time because my milk doesn't give him all he needs?) - I know I am the only one who can change this, but how?

I'm going to see another doc tomorrow (to add to the stress), who's specialized in breast feeding. See what she has to say - and then I have to make a decision based on what my pediatrician said and what she says (at least I hope she doesn't think "growth spurts" are nonesense, as my pedi seems to think).

The doc gave me the name of a psychoanalyst, in case I want to talk to someone. Jeez, I'm pathetic, but it's probably a good idea (if someone can babysit?)...

Oh, btw, my baby is adorable and I love him very very much.

No more faith in the French legal system

2009-11-05T14:44:00.003+01:00

A bit off topic, but I have to vent...

I met a very nice woman about two months ago at a meeting of the local version of La Leche League - she had 6-month old twins, who she had been breastfeeding since they were born.
We met again by chance a week later and then found out we lived really close to each other. So we met up a few times to go to the park with our babies. She then mentioned the relationship with her husband was not good, but didn't go into detail.

Last Saturday she called me and asked if she could come by. I sensed something was wrong. And I was right: a few days before her husband had come in with a court order and snatched the babies - who were still (exclusively) breastfed! - away from her, on some false accusations that she was mistreating them (and him).

This is now more than a week ago. She still has no idea where her children are. She calls her husband every day, but doesn't get many answers. In the meantime, the judge acknowledged that she made an error, but nothing can be done until a hearing next Tuesday (two weeks after the babies were taken from their mother).

I first thought she just had a bad lawyer - found her a good one - but that one says the same.
It's true that I don't know the full story, and I haven't known my friend that long, but long enough to know she's very friendly and a loving and caring mother to her twins. So wtf is this? How can it happen that babies are taken away from their mother just like that, without hearing both sides of the story? I thought a mother always had a stronger position than a father when it comes to child custody... I find this all very upsetting.

IF mindset

2009-09-04T16:53:00.004+02:00

The other day we had dinner with friends who have four kids. When we sat down at the table, the youngest girl said all excitedly "I'm sitting between the daddies!". I immediately thought, "well, yeah, but my hubby's not really a daddy", when I realized that he is! We are finally parents too! But I guess after all those empty years, there's some adjusting to do in my head...

Private blog for the little man

2009-07-24T12:57:00.004+02:00

I finally got my act together and started a private blog with info and photos of our little man.

If you want in on it, please create a wordpress account and email it to lostintranslation73 [at] gmail [dot] com, together with some info about yourself (if you've never commented on my blog and I don't know you) and your blog URL, if you have one. If all's well, I will then grant you access and send you a link to the private blog.

As I'd like to keep this blog anonymous, please do not reference to it or to my user name here on the private blog!! Thanks!

Eulogy for my stillborn brother

2009-07-23T07:00:00.006+02:00

I have a brother. He would have celebrated his 40th birthday today, but he was stillborn, so we never got to know him. My mother had him with her for almost nine months, felt his kicks, his hiccups, until one day those were gone. She called the doctor, a young and inexperienced replacement, who came and told he she shouldn't worry, he thought he still heard a heartbeat. About 10 days later she gave birth to a lifeless son - the medical personnel treated her like she was a stupid, ignorant woman. My dad was not allowed to be in the delivery room with her, they were not allowed to see the baby, to see if he resembled mommy or daddy, nobody had ever thought about memory boxes with foot or hand prints in those days... They were led to believe it was for the best they never saw him - that he had 'blown up' because he had taken in all the amniotic fluid.

My dad and granddad buried him while my mom was still in the hospital. She wanted to visit the grave later, but she was afraid to ask, they weren't supposed to talk about it anymore, so she never went. She didn't get to say goodbye...

They were supposed to forget - just get pregnant again and have another baby. Don't think about this one. But of course they didn't forget, they couldn't, the pain remained, even after my sister and I were born. They didn't talk much about it, I always used to forget the date, until I noticed one of them shed a tear or they gave each other an emotional hug and then I remembered...

Now that I have been pregnant myself and am blessed with a healthy baby boy, I will never ever forget my brother's birthday anymore. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for my mom, those 10 days without feeling any life, knowing something was so wrong, but the doctors not listening to you. My parents are going to the cemetery today, for the first time after 40 years, even though the grave is no longer there. And I'm so happy Carly honored my Names in the Sand request, it is good to see his name spelled out.

Trying to multi-task

2009-07-14T16:07:00.002+02:00

Birth story

2009-07-14T16:01:00.000+02:00

Warning: This has turned out to be an extremely long, detailed, and maybe tedious post. Consider it to be more for my personal reference and skip it if you think it's TMI...

I kept telling the baby every day that time was running out if he wanted to be born without induction - he didn't seem to listen. We went to the DD+7 consult and an appointment was set for the DD+9 consult for Sunday late afternoon - after which they might already admit me for early induction on Monday morning. The thought of spending Sunday night in the hospital alone made me cry...

Saturday nothing happened... until we went to bed around 10:15 pm. Contractions. More painful than the ones I'd had before. More regular too - about every 10 minutes. If this continued, than maybe...? It made us both giddy. I tried to sleep a bit, but after a while the contractions came more often, and I started using the big exercise ball and some other techniques I learned at the birth preparation classes. It was still all very managable. The intervals became shorter - 8 minutes - 5 minutes, sometimes even 3-4. At 1:30 am, after they'd been 5 minutes apart for a bit over two hours, we decided it was time to head to the hospital.

We were both very excited and nervous at the same time. At the hospital we were greeted by a student-midwife, who brought us into an exam room. A few minutes later the midwife came in. She did a cervical check: 2 fingers dialated... I was a bit disappointed. The contractions had slowed down too. So they put me on a fetal HR and contractions monitor to see if things would progress or not. After about 45 minutes the verdict was: go back home and just come back at 5 pm for your DD+9 consult and the induction on Monday.

So off we went again. We were both a bit pissed of about the comment that we just had to come back for the induction. WTF? OK, it had all slowed down again, but these were not just BH contractions, this was the real deal, we were sure!

Back home we tried to get some sleep, which was more or less impossible for me, because the contractions were still coming every ten minutes, and were too strong to sleep through. At around 7 am the frequency increased again, and so did the intensity. As the hours passed, it became more and more difficult to deal with them. Hubby helped me a lot, especially with providing some pressure and warmth to my lower back, as the contractions were strongest there.

Around noon I decided to lie/sit on the bed, to see what effect that would have on the contractions - if they would slow down again, then they would certainly do so when they would put me on the exam table at the hospital, so it would mean we had to stay home a little longer. And yes, as soon as I did so, the frequency (but not the intensity) decreased from every 3-5 to every 8-12 minutes.

Three hours later we decided to call the hospital. The frequency had stayed about the same, but would increase if I moved around, and all in all the contractions had become really painful. I didn't really want to wait until the 5 pm consult... Got a really nice midwife on the phone, who told us just to come in so they could check the situation.

So off we went again. Were at labor & delivery around 4 pm and met by the friendly midwife. Cervical check: 4 cm. We were transferred to a L&D room, I was put on monitoring, but the cables were long enough to still be able to use an exercise ball too - with which it was much easier for me to deal with the contractions.

I'd told the midwife about my desire to try to do without an epidural and also that I'd prefer to deliver (push) on my side and not on my back. She was very open to it and told me she would do everything to help me, but that if ever I changed my mind, other options were open too.

At 5.30 pm we were at 6 cm, which was good progress according to the midwife. But after that things didn't progress so well - normally the last part should be quicker than the first, but in my case it just all progressed slowly. She put me on a magnesium + spasfon drip to help soften the cervix. It helped a bit, but not enough. Also, the baby had moved a bit and his head was now tilted backwards. In order to try to change this, the midwife put me on my side with one leg more or less in the air. It was excruciating, there was no way I could handle the contractions in this position. So I asked to bring in the (laughing?) gas to take the edge off. She brought the thing and the first try worked, I felt nice and high, but after that I was just screaming in the bloody inhaler during contractions - it was useless. So after a while she told me to try sitting on hands and knees on the bed. This was indeed better, but wow, things were getting really tough. In the meantime the midwife had also broken my water, as it hadn't done so by itself. The last cervical check she did before her shift was over around 7 pm, I was about 7-8 cm dilated. I also felt some slight desire to push, which the midwife said was a good thing, as it meant the baby was descending. She said I was very brave, wished us luck and told me the new midwife would come check on me soon.

But she didn't... or at least it seemed to take forever. I finally pressed the call button, because the feeling that I wanted to push was getting a bit stronger, and I wanted to know where we were. A student midwife came in, who I think was not prepared to deal with a screaming and moaning woman in labor without epidural, because she reacted very strangely and told me the midwife would be there soon. And indeed, she was (by then it was 8:30 pm). Another cervical check still showed only 7-8 cm. She told me I could use the ball again, which was great, because the hands/knees position was not doing it for me anymore. I was able to breathe through contractions as long as I felt them coming, but some of them just hit me out of the blue (or came immediately after I'd already dealt with two heavy ones), which was very difficult to deal with. Hubby tried to do the best he could by providing back pressure, and without him it would have really been impossible.

I was put on another magnesium/spasfon drip, but it did not have the desired effect. Contractions were also becoming irregular, so the midwife told me she wanted to put me on oxytocin to stabilize/increase them which would then also hopefully soften the cervix more. The side effect would of course be that they might be even more difficult to manage for me, and if it wouldn't soften the cervix, the only option left after that would be a c-section. So, I could go with that risk, or, as she proposed, take an epidural after all. It would give me some time to recuperate (by that time we were around the 24-hour mark), let the oxytocin to its job, and hopefully be fully dialated soon. If I wanted, I could then always choose to let the epidural wear off and not use it for the last stretch.

I was exhausted and also wanted to avoid any chance of a c-section, so I chose the epidural. A few minutes later two anesthesiologists came in. They were good, they were nice, nothing like the arrogant people I'd met during the info session and the consult (which became one of the reasons I wanted to try without epidural, just to teach them). They told me they would give me a very light dose, the first one would work for about an hour, and after that I could press a button to administer another dose myself. It was hard to deal with the contractions while they were putting the epidural in, but somehow I did manage, as during the 15-minute wait (being obliged to lie on my side) for it to start working... It was so good when it finally did. It took a bit longer on the upper right side (actually never really went away) but was very managable and I had a chance to recuperate a bit. The midwife came in to check and told me to try to push - we tried four different versions: on my side while slowly breathing out and while blocking my breath and then the same but on my back. She asked me which version I preferred and to my own surprise, I chose on my back, blocking, the version I liked the least beforehand (so you see, you can do 'dry runs' but when it comes to the real deal, it's a whole different story).

When after about an hour the first dose of the epidural was wearing off, I called the midwife again before pushing the button for another dose. Fully dilated - ready to push! The pain was back in full force, but I didn't feel it when pushing - but could feel everything else that was going on, so that was great, just what I wanted. The top of his head came out and a few pushes later it was there completely. The midwife pulled the rest of the body out to avoid having to give me an episiotomy (I had only three minor tears, which were stitched up later). And there he was, our son! So unbelievably amazing! I will never forget that moment that I saw that tiny body coming out of me and a moment later being put on my belly. It was so beautiful. - it was 0h47 on Monday, July 6 -

After delivering the placenta, they told me they had to give me another dose of the epidural, because there was some membrane tissue still in my uterus, and they had to get it out otherwise my uterus would keep bleeding and might infect. So it was a good thing the epidural was already in place and they could do this rather easily. It was a weird feeling though and the student midwife told me I could hold her hand, which was so sweet (Hubby was outside calling the family).

During that last procedure they had taken Jules from me to do the different tests and when they were finally done (including stitching me up) I could hold him again and feed him for the first time. It was magic.

About two hours after delivery they put me in a wheelchair (which was hard to get into from the bed as my legs weren't working at all because of the epidural) and brought us to my (private) hospital room at the maternity ward. Of course I didn't sleep at all, I was just staring at Jules. We waited so long for this moment... I was completely exhausted, but have never been happier.

The wait is over - our little man is here!

2009-07-09T19:45:00.000+02:00

Our son was born on Monday, July 6 at 12:47 am, after 26+ hours of labor, weighing 3300 g (7 lbs 4 oz) and measuring 51 cm (20"). We're all doing great, and are now back home after three days in the hospital (standard in France).

I'll probably post a full birth report somewhere in the coming days and am also planning on starting a private blog with more personal info and updates on our little man. If/when I do so, I will of course let you know.

41w3d - 4th past-due-date consult

2009-07-03T15:42:00.000+02:00

Yes, I'm still here and so is my big belly... which means we had to go to the hospital again this morning, for our DD+7 consult. Again, everything was fine. Little man was sleeping in the beginning and awake in the end, so his HR was somewhere between 130 and 150. My BP was back into its normal range: 115/63. No contractions registered to speak of, which is consistent with the last few days: the BH contractions don't really start until around lunchtime and get more frequent (but not more regular) in the evening.

More mucus plug / bloody show late yesterday afternoon and this morning, but other than that, no impending labor symptoms at all. The last consult is now scheduled for Sunday late afternoon - after that they'll either admit me directly and start induction by preparing the cervix early Monday morning with a prostaglandin gel, or if the cervix is ripe enough, I can go home again Sunday after the consult and come back on Monday morning to start the induction with oxytocin. Of course I still hope this won't be necessary after all and I'll go into labor on my own in the coming hours/days (the clock is ticking...)!

41w1d - 3rd past-due-date consult

2009-07-01T19:37:00.001+02:00

So we went to the hospital again this afternoon for the DD+5 consult. They put me on the fetal heart monitor for almost 45 minutes - little man was awake and quite active, so his HR in a range between 130 and 170 bpm this time. The contraction monitor also showed more contractions than two days ago, although still mostly painless and irregular.

My BP was a little higher than before: 124/74. They also did a urine test, which came back fine. Cervix check showed basically the same as during the previous checks. I had hoped it would have maybe already changed a bit, since I lost the mucus plug this morning (yay! at least some development, although it is not a real indicator of impending labor).

The midwife told me that since I've passed the due date, I can no longer deliver in the 'pôle physiologique', as they want to monitor the baby constantly during labor, to make sure there won't be any complications or at least to catch them early. I really hope I go into labor on my own in the coming days, otherwise it'll be induction on Monday and I'd like to avoid that, because that also means that I can't do the first part at home and will be on the monitor (= restricted movement) quite soon.

Currently quite some BH contactions - rock hard belly most of the time, but all still rather painless. Next consult (DD+7 ) is scheduled for Friday morning...

41 weeks - BOO!

2009-06-30T16:49:00.001+02:00

Still nothing.

After having to wait more than five years before getting pregnant, I apparently get to enjoy it until the very last minute!

Yesterday evening I had quite some BH contractions, so I was hoping that labor would start in the night... Nope, nada, today everything is quiet again.

I'm bored. I've run out of things to do. My neighbor suggested vacuuming the house might induce labor... but that just gives me a backache.

I'm hot too. It's 33 degrees C (91 F) outside, so I closed all the blinds in order to keep the apartment as cool as possible (no A/C). It's not going to get any cooler the coming days either.

I removed the babystrology widget from my blog because although it was still counting my pregnancy, it no longer showed an image of a baby, just an empty womb. I found that a bit morbid... (luckily the real one in my belly is still kicking around happily).

My parents have been here since Saturday. We had dinner with them on Sunday evening, to celebrate their 41st anniversary. Saw them briefly yesterday and this morning too. My dad complained that he would go crazy if he had to stay here in the city much longer (because every day he has to think of an activity to do...) and that he has to be back in Holland on Monday for an important meeting. I asked them if they really intended to leave on Sunday if they'd knew the baby would be born at the latest two days later (if nothing happens naturally in the coming days, I will be induced Monday or Tuesday)...

Ugh. First they say they won't come until the baby's here, then they come anyway because my mom wants to be close to me and then my dad gets bored... So maybe they're driving 6 hours down to the south of France tomorrow to stay with friends, who have a big house with a pool. Whatever. My dad did send out an email to his work though, saying he might not make the Monday meeting.

40w6d - 2nd past-due-date consult

2009-06-29T17:57:00.001+02:00

So, nothing happening yet... A few more BH contractions and lower back pains, but that's about it. We went for our second past-due-date consult (DD+3) this afternoon - again about 30 minutes on the HR monitor for the little one, who was mostly sleeping - his HR moved between 112 and 145, all fine. My BP was 110/60. The other monitor on my belly registered a few BH contractions, but not much. She asked if I wanted a cervical check or not - I said yes, not that I like them, but I wanted to know if something had changed. Well, no... she even said it was still quite long and also mentioned that as long as the contractions don't increase, it'll probably remains unchanged, which makes sense of course (so no, having eaten fresh pineapple this weekend did nothing...). Next check-up on Wednesday.

40w3d - due date

2009-06-26T16:35:00.001+02:00

Yeah right... It might be my due date, but so far the baby has shown no intention of wanting to come out. No signs of impending labor at all.

So we went to the hospital today for the first 'post due date' check-up. Normally this takes place on DD+1, but since that's in the weekend, and the consults are only from Monday-Friday, we already had it today.

First 30 minutes monitoring the baby's heart rate (between 122 and 151, depending on whether he was asleep or awake) and my contractions (none to speak of). They also checked my BP: 113/67. Then cervix check: not much change from the 9-month check-up I had three weeks ago - about a finger dilated, shortened and soft. The baby's head is putting quite some pressure on it, as it's super low in my pelvis (but that was the same three weeks ago too).

After that it was on to another room for an u/s: still head down, back to the left, in perfect position to come out. Baby in fine condition. Placenta too, although a little bit calcified, but apparently that's normal at the end of a pregnancy. Still enough amniotic fluid everywhere. Baby's estimated weight: about 3 kg (6lbs 10oz).

So everything's ready for a smooth delivery. Now, where are those contractions?!?!?!

(If nothing happens this weekend, we'll have the next check-up on Monday afternoon.)

40 weeks - still waiting

2009-06-23T11:53:00.005+02:00

Exactly 40 weeks pregnant today. If I were in the US or in Holland this would be my due date, but here in France they add three days extra, so still have until Friday before I have to start calling about past-term consults etc.

No signs at all of impending labor, but I really hope that the little man won't let us wait too much longer, because I'm more than ready and want to hold him in my arms! But there's nothing I can do about it - it's weird, an IVF pregnancy is so controlled from the beginning, with set dates etc, but at the end, it's still mother nature that you have to let take its course.

Luckily I'm feeling so much better than yesterday. Also had quite a good night of sleep (all relative of course, but good for a 9-month pregnant woman that is) so feel rather energetic today.

Little meltdown

2009-06-22T10:59:00.002+02:00

I had a small nervous breakdown this morning around 5.30 am. I had been up for bathroom breaks at my usual hours, but then couldn't sleep anymore from 3.30 am onwards.

Due to the terrible itch (it was horrible all day yesterday too, luckily a bit better now) and too much stuff in my head - how long before the baby will come? How long can my parents wait patiently in Holland before driving south anyway, even when they said they won't come before the baby's born (but they booked a place from this Wednesday on - why didn't they just take our neighbor's apartment who offered it for a week from July 3rd on)? What if I go way past my due date? Can people please stop calling every other day to ask how it's going? Can I tell them 'don't call us, we call you' or is that rude? Do I need to call day care centers when I don't know yet if the company will offer me a new contract? But what if I wait too long and there is no more space? Will there be more high school kids jumping into our garden today to fetch balls they accidentally threw over the fence? Will our landlord repair the fence (broken by the high school kids on Friday) quickly or will it take months and months, like everything else we ask them to do? Why am I worrying about all these things? Why do I have this horrible itch? Why can't I sleep? Etc. etc.

I think it's all got to do something with the idea I had that the baby would definitely come earlier than my due date, and somehow I had set D-Day in my head for yesterday - wouldn't it be wonderful: born on a Sunday, just like his parents, on Father's Day (hubby was born on mother's day), on the first day of summer, on the 'fête de la musique', on his mommy's and grandpa's name day... Yes, I know, too good to be true. Or so tacky that the baby, like his daddy would do, would just refuse to be born on such a day, out of sheer recalcitrance.

So of course no signs at all of impending labor, and all the thoughts mentioned above going round and round in my head. So I started crying, which woke hubby up, who tried to console me, fell back asleep, while I stayed awake. As soon as the alarm went off at 7 am I stood beside the bed. After breakfast and hubby's departure I took it easy by doing some prenatal yoga and breathing exercises (which almost made me freak out instead of relax because I couldn't breathe out for more than 25 seconds, while the goal for labor contractions is 30-40 seconds - but in the end I did manage) and then took a shower. Doing a bit better now, but still very tired, so I'm in for at least one good nap today.

39 weeks - tired

2009-06-16T13:39:00.002+02:00

Well, here I am at 39 weeks exactly. Everything's going well, but... I'm tired! Especially in the mornings. I sleep horribly at night, waking up around 1 am, 3 am, and 5 or 6 am every time for a combination of reasons (having to pee, belly cramps and ligament pain - one of my favorite positions, on right side with lower leg stretched, upper leg bent, now actually hurts! - , the baby having a party inside my belly, being too warm, being too cold). Almost every night I dread going to bed and I'm happy when it's 5 am and I hear the birds singing outside and know that daylight is not far away. I'm so ready for the baby to be born (not that that's gonna make me sleep better of course)!

Yesterday afternoon I went for my pre-birth acupuncture session. I was somehow disappointed he only stuck four needles in me (two in my left breast, and one in each shin)... We'll see if it really did anything once I'm in labor. ;-) There was a funny moment when he looked at my chart and thought that my infertility sessions that I'd had in the fall of 2006 had been in 2008 (the assistant hadn't bothered to add the year back then) so that those had really worked and immediately resulted in a pregnancy - but I helped him out of that dream pretty quickly. Other than that it was a very nice and relaxing experience.

Funny how the mind works

2009-06-12T12:07:00.004+02:00

I woke up from a dream around 3 am in which I told myself to take two Aleve because I was having menstrual cramps... Out of my dream state, I was still feeling cramps and immediately thought 'oh crap, not now', because today hubby has a little one-day work trip to Antwerp, so it would be really bad timing if I would go into labor right now.

I got up, went to the bathroom and took a paracetamol (not that those things ever help when I'm having cramps, but it's the only thing I'm allowed to take, so what else could I do). Felt my belly, not really contraction-rock-hard, the pain wasn't coming and going in waves either, just a general belly and lower back ache. So I went back to bed and tried not to worry too much.

Alarm went off at 4:45 am, made hubby breakfast and printed his boarding passes. The cramps hadn't increased. I actually felt quite OK, and was convinced this was just my mind playing tricks on me because hubby was leaving (he did leave with a whole scheme of flights and trains that he can take back home earlier than his original evening flight, just in case). At one of the hospital info sessions they had already warned for going into false labor with the example 'when your husband has a business trip to Paris'. Oh yeah, and the other thing that made me have contractions was very likely the fact that I had cleaned the windows and washed + ironed the curtains yesterday (what do you mean, nesting?), of course way too much activity for a 9-month pregnant lady!

After I promised hubby I wouldn't do anything today (he didn't believe me, I could see it) and he had left for the airport, I heated up a pad to put on my belly and went back to bed. Slept for a couple of more hours, which was great. Woke up without pain. Had a lazy shower and breakfast and am lying on the couch right now (which my lower back actually doesn't like very much. I'd love to be in the hammock, but the frame is not set-up and it's too heavy for me to carry). The only things on my to-do list for today: make grocery list for for tomorrow (done), update blog (almost done), play cello, read New Yorkers (still six, eh... eight issues behind). Was really tempted to do a load of laundry, but I'll wait until tomorrow, so hubby can help.

Luckily this is the last business trip that hubby's taking before my due date. I told the little one he can come any time starting Tuesday (so I can still have the acupuncture session on Monday afternoon). Officially I still have exactly two weeks to go. We'll see what happens...

Call from the midwife

2009-06-11T12:58:00.000+02:00

So the midwife from the hospital called regarding the 'pôle physiologique'. Everything is A-OK for me to have the delivery there. Basically it means once we arrive, the midwife will make sure to leave me as autonomous as possible. Monitoring in the beginning for 30 minutes, then 10 minutes every hour. No epidural, unless I change my mind and do want one, or unless something's not quite right with the baby and they need to intervene. I also mentioned my desire to deliver on my side and she said that in principle that's OK, but not all midwives have been trained in that, so it might happen that 'my' midwife doesn't feel comfortable with it and wants me to deliver on my back. In any case, she told me to clearly tell the midwife my wishes when we arrive, so she can also encourage me to go on when at one point I don't think I can do it anymore and am tempted to ask for an epidural. All sounds good. We'll see how it goes on the big day.

I also made an appointment for Monday afternoon for a pre-birth acupuncture session. My curiosity / hope that this will positively influence the labor and delivery process is bigger than my fear that the doc will screw up again with a 'double consult'.

38 weeks - in waiting mode

2009-06-09T09:24:00.002+02:00

Exactly 38 weeks pregnant today. Not too much to tell, we're basically in waiting mode.
One very annoying thing though: the itch is back. Aarghhh! My own fault. I took a bath on Sunday night, to relieve some BH contractions - used calendula bath oil, which is supposedly for sensitive skin, but I remembered (stupidly only after taking the bath) that during the 'itchy period' it always seemed to make the itch worse, instead of better. And so yes, since Sunday night the horrible itch is back and making me miserable. I hope it won't last too long.

The OB called me yesterday to say that she had good news for me regarding the 'pôle physiologique': she had discussed it with the hospital team (so apparently my comments made her rethink what she had told me during Friday's check-up) and now a midwife will call me on Thursday to discuss things further. So I'm really happy about that, and I can then also already tell her I'd like to deliver the baby on my side (hubby told me I should have mentioned that to my OB today too, and of course he's right, but I somehow forgot...).

So this weekend I was like 'let the baby come', now I'm telling it to stick around for at least another week, so I can get this organized with the hospital before we come in for the delivery.

I'm also contemplating whether or not to go for a pre-birth acupuncture session. A few women talked about it at last week's prenatal yoga class and were very enthusiastic about it. I did have some acupucture sessions three years ago, regarding our infertility. Although the acupuncture itself was OK, I had a weird experience where one time he told me, after the acupuncture itself, to go into his office for a small consult and to wait behind the screen, on the exam table, until he returned from giving something to his assistant. So I did, but when he returned, he had forgotten about me and had brought another patient in, whom he then also directed behind the screen, where we said an awkward hello and the OB/acupuncturist quickly took the other patient away. He otherwise has a great reputation for acupuncture with pregnant women and everyone else whom I talk to is super enthusiastic about it. So...what to do?

Another phase

2009-06-07T16:23:00.006+02:00

I've got the feeling I'm in a new phase (the last one?) of the pregnancy since Friday.

I have more pelvic and ligament pain, still sometimes want to do irresponsible things like vacuum or move something too heavy, but I just don't have the energy for it anymore, I take longer naps...

Also really have the feeling that the waiting has started - I'm over 37 weeks, so basically full-term, at the last OB check-up everything was fine, I've had all eight birth preparation classes, the baby room is done - so in other words: we're ready.

I also had a great conversation with my mom, and an OK one with hubby, regarding my parents visiting after the birth and hubby taking paternity leave at the same time (I'm so happy he does want to take time off right after the birth), so there's a lot less stress in my head about that issue right now than there was before.

So yes, I'm ready. I sure hope the baby doesn't decide to wait until past my due date...